I don't do memes, but no less an immortal than Stafford tagged me, so I am now obliged to present you with the Five Things You Don't Know About Me list.
1. A hard, chitinous beak, like the kind you'd find in a squid or octopus, resides just inside my asshole. Ladies, no rimjobbing or you'll end up giving rimjs for the rest of your lives.
2. I can fire my urine with enough force to bore holes in concrete. Effective killing range is twenty meters. When people ask me whether I can write my name in the snow, I laugh and show them some of my intricate granite engravings.
3. In 1998 I had a botched Lasik operation that left me unable to see women's underwear.
4. My scrotum is divided down the middle with a forcefield because one testicle is concentrated matter while the other is antimatter. Were my testicles to touch, I would destroy the entirety of Seoul. One interesting corollary to this arrangement is that I can either ejaculate photon torpedoes or propel myself backwards at one-half impulse power.
5. My soul has hair.