Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Stafford tags me

I don't do memes, but no less an immortal than Stafford tagged me, so I am now obliged to present you with the Five Things You Don't Know About Me list.

1. A hard, chitinous beak, like the kind you'd find in a squid or octopus, resides just inside my asshole. Ladies, no rimjobbing or you'll end up giving rimjs for the rest of your lives.

2. I can fire my urine with enough force to bore holes in concrete. Effective killing range is twenty meters. When people ask me whether I can write my name in the snow, I laugh and show them some of my intricate granite engravings.

3. In 1998 I had a botched Lasik operation that left me unable to see women's underwear.

4. My scrotum is divided down the middle with a forcefield because one testicle is concentrated matter while the other is antimatter. Were my testicles to touch, I would destroy the entirety of Seoul. One interesting corollary to this arrangement is that I can either ejaculate photon torpedoes or propel myself backwards at one-half impulse power.

5. My soul has hair.


1 comment:

Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

While I have absolutely no way of knowing about numbers 1 through 4, I can definitely confirm number 5.

I have looked into the Big Homind's eyes and seen his soul. It was indeed a hairy experience.

Jeffery Hodges

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