These days, whenever I see spam in my Gmail trash bin, I normally just hit "delete forever." (Why the word "forever" is assumed to add any meaning to "delete," I have no idea.) But tonight, for some odd reason, I decided to open one piece of spam and was rewarded with content so spectacularly stupid that I had no choice but to share it with you, Dear Reader.
The following barely literate email comes from a Portuguese email address (no attempt to disguise its provenance), from someone with the very Portuguese-sounding name of "Michael Smith." What you see below is exactly what I was sent. Nothing has been edited:
from: Mr.Michael Smith [firstname.lastname@example.org]
date: Fri, Oct 24, 2014 at 9:16 PM
subject: Sending Package Information: Oct 24th,2014
My name is Mr.Michael Smith,i am the Director Inspection Unit, United Nations Inspection Agent. We are currently in LaGuardia Airport New York, United States for official inspection while i discovered an abandoned shipment from UK via Diplomat with your name/email tagged on it, when i personally scanned it, it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in a Metallic Trunk Boxes weighing approximately 65kg each. On my assumption, each of the 3 boxes will contain more than $5M or above in each.
On further investigation, i discovered that the consignment was abandoned due to wrong declaration of the content, also the Diplomat inability to pay for Non Inspection Fees, because he did not know the content of the boxes.
I will arrange for the boxes to be moved out of this Airport to your address, once we are through I will deploy the services of a secured shipping Company geared to provide the security it needs to your doorstep.
Now i want to strike a deal with you, in your acceptance i will proceed on this. I have the capacity to secure the release of your consignment with my status as an United Nations\Inspection Agent. You will give me 40% of the amount in the consignment and you take the remaining 60%. Consequently.when i cleared it,
If you are not in agreement to this proposal, please disregard it. But if you can meet with my condition, then we have a deal. I can get everything concluded within 24 to 48 hours and proceed to your address for delivery upon your acceptance. Write me on this email: email@example.com ,if you accepts to work with me.
Director Inspection Unit
United Nations Inspection Agent.
LaGuardia Airport New York,
Absolutely priceless. An international inspector tells me that I've got an enormous shipment of money currently being held in New York, then he asks for a cut of it before he'll release it to me. I really should write back and say I'm with the FBI.