Monday, June 03, 2019

almost poisoned myself

As if eating rotten soup weren't enough, I almost poisoned myself this past Saturday: I went to the local No Brand store to bulk-buy some No Brand cola, which has a bit more than half the sugar of regular Coke (22 g versus 39 g per 355 ml) but is somehow just as good. I bought five six-packs to last me through the end of this austerity period and walked the heavy load up the street to my office. I plopped down in my office chair, cracked open one of the cans (because why not?), sucked it down, and cracked open another.

Spat out the first mouthful.

An evil chemical smell issued from the can, and a nasty chemical taste invaded my mouth. The chemical seemed familiar, but I couldn't place it. Vaguely bleach-like. I fumbled around my desk until my hand grasped my Mason-jar-with-handle, which I use for drinking tea and water, and I spat the foul liquid into the mug, then spat a few more times to get that unspeakable taste out of my mouth. Unable to help myself, I sniffed the cola can a few more times, thanking Cthulhu that I hadn't swallowed, but worried that I might have absorbed something deadly through my intraoral soft tissues.

For a while, I simply sat and quietly contemplated the situation. It was like the bad-luck version of hitting the jackpot: I had somehow found the one can to come out of the manufacturing plant that had been contaminated with God-knows-what. And only after drinking two cans of soda! This made me paranoid because, in my irrational mind, I now had a 50% chance of drinking tainted cola. Every can was a mine in a minefield. As time passed, I let my inner Spock speak logic to the gibbering-simian part of my brain, and then I calmly took hold of a third can of cola, cracked it open, sniffed cautiously, and drank.

No problem.

This act did much to allay my fears, and today (Monday), I've had a few more cans of cola with no hint of extra chemicals. I'm hoping we're in the clear, but just in case, I'm now sniffing each can as soon as I open it.



6 comments:

Charles said...

Did you take the cola back to the store to let them know it was contaminated?

Kevin Kim said...

No. I dumped it in the sink, threw away the can, and washed out my mug.

If we suddenly hear about a rash of cola-poisonings on the news, I guess I'll have that on my conscience, but I doubt that's going to happen. I'm chalking this up to a manufacturing fluke. If, however, I get another tainted can among the thirty cans I bought, then yeah, I'll take it back to the store.

John Mac said...

Scary stuff. Are you sure you don't want to boil that cola before ingesting?

Hopefully your run of bad food and drink is now complete.

Kevin Kim said...

John,

Like Charles, I'm still alive, so I think I can get away with just sniffing before drinking.

Charles said...

So what you're telling us is you are going to be snorting coke on a regular basis from now on.

Kevin Kim said...

Charles,

That seems to be the case. Which me luck.