BigHominid's Hairy Chasms

re-opened, but not necessarily for business

2009-10-14T11:44:00.002+09:00

Some people emailed me when they discovered that this blog was no longer publicly available. My main reason for shutting it down was that I wasn't doing much here. But I rethought the matter and decided that, hell, if people want to comb through the blog-- even though it's largely dormant-- they should feel free to.

So the blog is open to the public again.

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belated Happy Birthday

2009-07-06T05:40:00.002+09:00

This blog, at which I only rarely post these days because I'm busy posting about my mother's cancer at the other blog, turned 6 on July 4th.

Not to worry: at some point, I'll be back full-time on this blog. Might be another few years, but I'll eventually return.

[silence, crickets chirping]

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mystery solved?

2009-06-12T16:36:00.003+09:00

Why the hell would Japanese women of a certain age go gaga over an effete girly-man like Bae Yong Jun? This article about American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert might offer us a peek inside the Japanese ajumma's mind.

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is Al Gore about to become a hostage?

2009-06-06T14:02:00.002+09:00

It appears that Al Gore is willing to go to North Korea to negotiate for the release of Laura Ling and Euna Lee, the two American journalists being held there.

I'm worried that ol' Al himself might be taken hostage, with Kim Jong Il threatening to send him back to the States piece by piece until we cough up a few trillion dollars. Given how large the Goremeister is, Kim could play this scenario out for a long time, perhaps even selling off slices of Gore as ersatz whale blubber. But if the North Koreans capture him and put him into a labor camp for ten years while returning the two women to the States, the joke is on North Korea: Gore will leave the experience leaner and meaner than ever.

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when headlines collide

2009-03-29T03:22:00.000+09:00

HOUSE OF FILTH: 80 cats found in NJ home; 2 feet of feces in room...

plus

Madonna applies to adopt baby girl in Malawi; Human rights group says would violate law...

equal

HOUSE OF FILTH: Madonna violates 80 cats in NJ with 2 feet of feces

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the Facebook interview

2009-01-13T04:08:00.002+09:00

Superblogger Elisson sent me, via Facebook, an invitation to do a Facebook interview, which is essentially a series of random, user-generated questions (you can tell they're user-generated by the atrocious spelling, grammar, tense control, and punctuation). The questions probably number in the thousands at this point; I've answered 134 of them, and will probably answer more. Here are my 134 answers.

1. How tall are you?
About six feet, one inch... taller when farting or sexually excited.

2. Do you like bananas?
I like MY banana.

3. What is your favorite song of all time?
It goes something like this: pppfffttttppp...ploop...tsssssss... aaaahhhh...

4. What do you do on fridays?
I dunk my tentacles in a bucket of old mucus and head out to the local bar for my usual Friday Frenetic Flailabout. That, or I sit around and sweat corn syrup.

5. Flip flops or sandles?
SANDALS! Who taught you to spell?

6. Favorite body part?
Somewhere on my ex.

7. Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
I have a Gatorade-dispensing bidet, which does a great job of refreshing old Harry Enos.

8. Have you had a beer in the last week?
Sorry, but I teetotal. The way I see it, alcohol is for interrogation, not socializing.

9. If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
A penis that squirts molten lead? I really have no clue.

10. What is your favorite place?
Somewhere on my ex.

11. Do you read harry potter books?
More interesting than that question is: Do you write Hermione/McGonagall slash fiction?

12. What is your favorite food?
Alpha Centaurian acid-lobsters basted in cryomantid ichor.

13. What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
If Michael Jackson asked me out, I would make love to him until he turned black again. What, you think he deserves less?

14. Where do you want to travel next?
Somewhere on my ex.

15. What is your favorate Pj Fabric
Nothing beats nakedness, with the wind raking your pubic hair into neat little rows and crop-circle patterns.

16. Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
Change the beggar, then ignore.

17. Do you shower every single day?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

18. Kill the spider or let it out?
Bless the spider, then dash it on a rock so that its soul goes to heaven while still in a state of grace.

19. What is your favorite TV show?
When Beauty Contestants Shart

20. Do you eat cold cereal at night?
Yes. With yo momma. Sometimes I pour the cereal on yo momma and nibble it off her.

21. Define yourself in 3 words...
Viscous. Noisome. Tumescent.

22. Would you rather be blind or deaf?
Deaf people can still be rogue snipers.

23. Are you a cat or a dog person?
Cats can be a bit gamy. Dogs work well in both stews and casseroles.

24. Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?
Neither is as bad as a guy who shoots out an enormous beam of vomit for twenty minutes.

25. Favorite fruit?
Melons. Firm. Juicy.

26. Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
Graakta juice followed by a pseudopodful of chitinous dingding beetles.

27. Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?
I am a big fan of the Fire Escape browser.

28. What was your last thought?
There is no Dana-- only Zuul.

29. Where is Waldo?
Probably banging my ex.

30. Do you support Paris?
Only when she sits on my face, and then only grudgingly.

31. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ha ha! I know this one! Because he knew the road was demonically possessed!

32. Your favorite Disney Films?
I like all the ones that contain lesbian subtext and sensual massage jokes.

33. If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
A 1956 Turbobooger. No car before or since has ever equalled it.

34. Most embarrassing moment?
Taking a shit next to a freeway in Oregon. (Yes, this actually happened.)

35. Most Memorable Past?
I think most people would agree that Jesus Christ has had the most memorable past.

36. What is your favorite clothing brand?
Anything by Leche Lapraline.

37. Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
The peristaltic chorales by the anus-worms of Borborygmus Prime.

38. Favorite Place to Eat?
Chung Lee House of Crispy Armpit Skins

39. Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
Would you rather lose your penis or gain a vagina?

40. Would you rather be hot or cold?
I would rather be rolling happily in dung. Preferably my own.

41. Water or 100% Juice?
Slugs. They go down easy.

42. What size shoes do you wear?
Size has no meaning. It matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?

43. How do you feel?
Aroused. Ready. For you.

44. Romance or Kinky?
We beat each other with live baby harp seals. Well... live at the beginning of the session, anyway.

45. Get the number or give the number?
She has to scan the barcodes on my nipples.

46. When do you plan on getting married?
As soon as I break free of my force-field prison and escape this damnable asteroid!

47. Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
I have a tat of the entire Tripitaka Koreana on my perineum.

48. Who do you admire most?
One day, I want to be Tina Turner. Or Fred Thompson. Or both simultaneously.

49. Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
I own an Arcturian hammersnail, which discharges enormous bolts of lighting when angry. And also when not angry.

50. What are you most proud of in your life?
A huge yellow turd that was the result of eating too much Metamucil.

51. Where do you see yourself in five years?
Fresh out of prison.

52. What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you?
Aerodynamic. Rubbery. Hungry.

53. If you had only six months to live, what would you do first?
Eat as many people as possible.

54. Are you an outdoor or an indoor person
What do you call someone who goes out, shoots a deer, guts the carcass, and crawls inside?

55. What do you do for fun?
I make sock puppets out of freshly removed intestines. Or live rabbits.

56. Who was your hero as a child?
Darth Vader. He understood the uselessness of bureaucracy.

57. Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full?
I guess that depends on how far I run and how much I sweat.

58. If you could travel back in time, what mistake(s) would you want to correct?
I would go back to when the earth was without form and void, and would reshape the earth into a cholla loaf.

59. If you won the lottery, how would you spend your millions?
After switching out my nipples for machine guns and bulletproofing my buttocks, I have no idea what I would do.

60. If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be?
I would be a Venusian phallozebra, boinging happily through the jungle.

61. What makes you laugh?
Postmodernists.

62. What makes you cry?
The knowledge that I can never have multiple orgasms. The way I used to.

63. What is your favourite word?
I like neologisms, like TURDWORM and CHESTICLES.

64. If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook?
Toys.

65. If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be?
A tiger at the National Zoo in Washington, DC. After I escaped my confines... oh, the slashing and humping!

66. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Up me own bum!

67. If you could be successful at any job in the world, what would that job be?
Grave robber. Or a chef who specializes in kangaroo meat.

68. Describe your perfect Sunday morning?
Destroy a planet, stretch myself thin by traveling through a black hole ten times, fart, sleep.

69. Aliens have landed and selected you to visit their home planet. Do you go with them?
I would eat two of the aliens, have sex with two more, then ask them if they still want to take me.

70. Do you say "I love you" in the relationship?
Does swinging from tree branches by your own intestines while bellowing random movie titles count as an expression of love?

71. Close your eyes for a moment, who pops into your head?
Tumors.

72. How many hobbies do you have
Just that one thing I do when I think no one is looking.

73. Do you feel comfortable showing PDA in pubic?
Pubic Dandruff Aversion? Why would I be ashamed to display that?

74. What attracts you most?
To pies? The flavor. To women? Well... also the flavor.

75. do you plan in advance
Like many people, I will not plan the circumstances by which I end up married, but will devote a great deal of energy to plotting my divorce.

76. who do you count on when feeling down
I find that angry nuns can often raise my spirits. Ah, those sexy, sexy nuns.

77. Why are you taking this interview?
I was promised cookies.

78. left handed or right handed?
I often favor my fifth tentacle.

79. beach or mountain?
To the south is the beach-- sometimes forested, sometimes not. To the north are the mountains-- fulsome and grandiose, with a deep valley between them.

80. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
An unreal situation cannot produce real counterfactuals. The answer is... Old Spice.

81. What is your favorite color?
BRRRRAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNSSSSS!!!!!!!!

82. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The Great Cosmic Sphincter begat them both.

83. Do you believe a good life is attainable? or is it something that is out of our control ie subject to luck etc.
I believe a good WIFE is attainable, but her husband might not appreciate that.

84. Are you fed up of all these questions?
Am I fed up WITH misused prepositions?

85. Riding horses or riding dolphins?
Kicking horses and licking dolphins.

86. Performing Arts, Fine Arts, or Sports?
Performing farts, fine farts, and spurts.

87. What religion did you choose to follow?
My religion is based on fondue neuchateloise, a sublime combination of Gruyere and Emmenthaler. They died for our sins, you know.

88. What is your dream job?
Harpooning opera singers.

89. City or the suburbs?
Whichever area permits luaus and orgies.

90. Favorite hot drink?
What could be better than the warm, jellied guts of a live tarantula?

91. Sour or sweet candy?
I like candy that vibrates.

92. Chocolate or other candy?
The new Godiva 10W40 racing chocolate goes down well with a hot mug of Tabasco.

93. How many kids (or any at all) would you want to have?
Well, how many am I allowed to eat in one sitting?

94. Are you in love?
No, but I am in mildly intrigued.

95. Whats your favorite sport?
Thong twanging. Neert nuh-nuh neert-neert-neert! Hold still, woman!

96. Desktop or Laptop?
Deskdog or lapdog? If you can train deskdogs not to crap on keyboards, then deskdogs, I guess.

97. What language would you like to speak fluently?
The meaning-saturated throat-clearing of Ganymedian scrotopods.

98. Whats the First Thing You Notice In A Boy/Girl?
The odor of their brains.

99. Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt?
I have spliced them together to create Arm Pitt, a Scientologist with a man-crush on George Clooney.

100. Favorite Rapper
A Vietnamese rap legend named Phuoc Mai Ding.

101. How many people are in your family?
We lost track after the 70,000th larva.

102. What is your natural hair color?
Sexy.

103. If you could time travel, what would be your first stop?
The 18th birthday party of Anne Hathaway.

104. What is the name of your truest friend???
Tilforg, the demon who inhabits my right atrium.

105. If you were one word, what word would you be?
Inflatable.

106. If you were on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition; what kind of room would you ask for?
Do you think that dude and his team of volunteers could build a full-scale functioning replica of Isengard in a week? Little use in shouting MOVE THAT BUS, eh?

107. Coke or Pepsi?
Have you ever heard of someone doing lines of PEPSI? Get outta my face.

108. What sort of character would you play in a comic book (hero, humorous sidekick, villian, that abrasive newspaper guy, etc.)
I would be a villain called Bad Diarrhea. Guess what my main weapon would be. You got it: belches! But belches that smelled like diarrhea, you see.

109. What colour are your eyes?
Since my eyes are multifaceted like those of a fly, I suppose they could be all sorts of colors.

110. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Remind me: which group lacked the effeminate, druggy Brits?

111. Is this boring?
Not to worry: I can always pass the time by counting my testicles. 1...2...3...4...5...6...

112. Do you believe in heaven and hell?
After we die, there is only a great whirlpool of chocolate mousse. With fangs.

113. if you were one of the seven dwarfs, who would you be?
Shizzle. Or Stankass. Or maybe Yoshimoto, the samurai dwarf.

114. What are your "comfy clothes"?
The skin of Tommy Lee Jones.

115. What kind of car do you drive?
A 1959 Plymouth Asshole. Talk about gas mileage!

116. Do you have any piercings/tatoos?
Thirty studs on my tongue, sixty on my upper lip, a tat of the right eye of Jabba the Hutt on my left buttock, and a shovel through my penis.

117. If you could pick anyone dead or alive to have lunch with, who would it be?
George Lucas. After I shot him.

118. Winter or summer?
The season announced by barking cats, dogs that run backwards, and parrots that grunt as if they were straining on a toilet.

119. Do you believe in ghosts?
Ghosts used to exist, but they were all eaten by Bill Clinton.

120. Do you like to bake/cook?
I bake a mean 230-grain Magnum loaf.

121. Do you drink coffee?
No. But I never say no to a mug of blended ferrets.

122. what do you think they eat in heaven?
Angry centipedes vomited skyward by the tormented souls in hell.

123. Orlando bloom or Johnny depp?
Remind me: which of those two is NOT the hollow-cheeked, effeminate one?

124. What is your favorite grocery store?
A superstore called Fucking Huge.

125. What would you do if this interview is never ending?
I would have little choice but to continue answering questions even while pooping and making love. I can already do the latter two things simultaneously, so no prob.

126. Do you like thunderstorms?
Ah, yes... the lashing rain, the harsh wind, the lightning repeatedly striking my balls, the resultant supermagnetic babies...

127. Favorite perfume?
If tonight is miniskirt night, almost definitely a high-end Chanel. A few dabs on my hairy chest and the women swoon.

128. What is the meaning of life?
If the opportunity presents itself to make love to a farm animal, do it. Otherwise, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been.

129. If you look at the color blue, what does it make you think of?
The color green.

130. do you currently like anyone?
Well, you caught me on Misanthropy Day, so I currently like no one. Ask me again tomorrow.

131. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Not that it matters. I wear a Fremen stillsuit, so all the excrement just recycles. I rarely think about what I drink anymore.

132. Biggest turnoff in the oppisite sex?
Inability to spell simple words. Oh, and armpit hair.

133. how many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I never use bulbs thanks to my innate bioluminescence.

134. Do you sometimes wish you were a porn star?
Wish? Back when I lived in Switzerland, I WAS a porn star! I did all those Star Wars homages, like Wetsaber Vol. 1-3, and Green Midget Ecstasy.

If you sensed a bit of contempt for the questions, you wouldn't be far wrong. I'm the guy who ruins photos by making Satan faces. I already hate Facebook and have little use for the online "memes" that get passed around, so it's only natural that, when someone asks me to choose between "A" or "B," I pick "Q."

Many thanks to Elisson, who just gave me his seal of approval after reading my answers.

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holiday cheer

2008-12-24T14:09:00.001+09:00

(Image for sale at CafePress in two forms.)

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100 Below: Volume 38

2008-12-20T12:05:00.002+09:00

It didn't take long to realize that the mice hadn't been trading fairly. I had initiated the trade by giving them large chunks of my best Gruyère. In exchange, the mice had given me so-called “chocolate pellets” which, according to them, would be great when added to hot milk.

Those little fuckers.

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celebrate the holidays!

2008-12-14T09:01:00.002+09:00

It's beginning to smell a lot like Christians
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look in the manger, then-- it's glistening once again
With afterbirth! Placenta white as snow!
It's beginning to smell a lot like Christians
Magdalene's a whore--
And the scariest sight you'll see is the Holy Family
At your own front door!

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SWAG!!

2008-12-07T15:39:00.004+09:00

Just in time for Christmas, we've got all sorts of CafePress products. See the new tile coasters here. Get a bird's-eye view of the store here. Buy my book here. Greeting cards are here. Remember: shopping from home means no shootings and no deadly stampedes.

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da MAN

2008-12-03T07:58:00.001+09:00

holy shit, this turns me on

2008-12-01T14:54:00.004+09:00

Many thanks to the Maven for sharing this hilariously disgusting YouTube video depicting tonsillolith removal. Already forgotten my post on these nasties from long ago? Type "bighominid tonsillolith" into Google and find the original post.

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horrified love-grunts

2008-11-18T17:39:00.005+09:00

dropped my pants
shook my wang
told my gal to
Suck that thang!
she got up
grabbed a pan
smashed my nuts
into a flan
kicked my ass
made me yell
blood flew out
my dick as well

...then she said, "OK, now I'll suck it."

But I didn't believe her.

Because she had scissors.

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troublesome curves

2008-11-09T09:27:00.003+09:00

One commenter at the product blog-- whose name and sex shall remain undisclosed (the comments are hidden)-- wanted me to remove certain language from Items 35 and 36, two pieces of brush art I had done a few years back, depicting a woman seated by what may be a riverbank (the scene is minimalist, so you can fill it in as you please). The woman's back is turned to us, but her curvaceous fundament is plainly visible. The comment I appended to the image jokes that, in painting this picture, I may have revealed my weakness for plump, curvy asses-- the "may have" of course alerts the reader to the fact that I haven't actually stated my real preference: we're in the world of humor, here.

The commenter didn't give a reason as to why the "weakness for" text should be deleted, leaving me to speculate as to what, exactly, was so distressing or offensive about it. Let's review-- and refute-- some possibilities.

1. A public comment by a male about his preference for plump, curvy asses is disrespectful to women: it objectifies them (women, not asses... or, yeah, maybe asses, too), and from there it's a slippery slope from objectification to victimization.

This claim fails on a number of fronts. First, any argument rooted in victimization undermines whatever feminist goal the claimant has in view. To speak, on the one hand, of women as empowered, equal, and even better than men in certain (or in many) respects, while also speaking of women as constantly vulnerable to "the male gaze" is to engage in a hypocrisy that keeps non-feminists from taking such feminists seriously.

Second, it's not obvious that objectification is always a bad thing. How can a man praise a woman's physical virtues without referring to her physical parts? There are many women who prefer such praise to remain vague and poetic, which I can understand (and a man who shouts "Damn, she got some junk in dat trunk!" isn't going to inspire female lust or admiration), but like it or not, people are wired to respond to each other's physicality. To stoop to the language of postmodernism for a moment: we are embodied; this is as much a part of our interiority as it is a brute, objective fact. To perceive someone is not merely to perceive them abstractly; it is, first and foremost, to perceive them concretely, i.e., through the senses. Women are no different from men in this, and these days women often offer sexual commentary that is just as public and just as raunchy (Exhibit A: MTV-- watch college girls talk about guys on any number of "reality" shows).

It's primarily the main strains of paleofeminism that attempt completely to separate sex from gender, peeling biology away, pretending it's irrelevant, and arguing that "manhood" and "womanhood" are purely mental and social constructions. This sort of thinking still gets a lot of play in American academe; it's a shame we Yanks aren't as relaxed as the French (I don't speak here of old-school French feminists, who are arguably among the worst offenders in the "abiological" movement), who take female sexuality to be an advantage, even a weapon-- a worldview that's closer to the truth than the twisted gospel preached in American classrooms.

And that's why, as I've mentioned here and elsewhere, I'm a Camille Paglia feminist. Paglia represents, to my mind, a far more liberated, empowered woman: a woman who can hear sexually charged male comments and say to those men, "Yeah, that's right... my ass is hot, and you ain't gettin' any of it." (Well, obviously: Paglia's a lesbian. Paleofeminists often uncharitably accuse her of being a betrayer, a "gay man in a woman's body," as one feminist put it.) Paglia doesn't separate sex and gender; biological reality is front and center in her thinking, and objectification is, for her, something we simply do:

Other feminists contest feminist claims about the objectification of women. Camille Paglia holds that "Turning people into sex objects is one of the specialties of our species." In her view, objectification is closely tied to (and may even be identical with) the highest human faculties toward conceptualization and aesthetics. Individualist feminist Wendy McElroy holds that the label "sex object" means nothing because inanimate objects are not sexual. She continues that women are their bodies and sexuality as well as their minds and souls. [source]

I also like McElroy's contention, quoted above, because it points to a major philosophical flaw in the abiological paleofeminist victimization stance. Is most objectification really objectification? Probably not. To be fair, I'm willing to grant that there are forms of human objectification that shouldn't be tolerated. The demonization of one's political enemies, in which the other side is portrayed as irrational or stupid or subhuman or simply evil, is a good example of this. Such a stance precludes meaningful dialogue, or at least makes it unnecessarily difficult. Other out-of-bounds forms of objectification can be seen when we turn to outright acts of cruelty, in which people are treated literally as objects. Some examples: slavery, kidnapping, spousal abuse, etc.

But my point is that putting a guy declaring "What an ass!" in the same moral category as spousal abuse strikes me as ridiculous, not to mention insulting to victims of abuse, i.e., people who actually merit the label "victim." Luckily, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Third, it's not obvious that public statements of appreciation of the female form constitute objectification. Men aren't exactly known for phrasing their utterances in the most delicate manner; most of what men say to and about women is, believe it or not, a weird form of praise, and should be taken as such. (I'm obviously not including extreme cases, such as that of a violently drunk Mel Gibson snarling "Whadaya think you're lookin' at, sugar tits?" upon viewing a female officer at a police station in 2006.) But many women seem not to understand this, choosing instead to be offended. This state of affairs puzzles me since women are routinely touted as more perceptive than men! (I happen to agree, at least generally, that women are more perceptive than men, though I think each sex has its own set of blinders, denials, and other forms of self-deception.)

Finally, we can't end this section without noting that slippery-slope arguments are of dubious validity, if not outright invalid, when applied to human behavior. They rely on the idea that a certain set of psychological initial conditions will hold steady, even gain momentum. While there is evidence to support such an idea, there is, I think, an equal amount of evidence against it. People are both social creatures and creatures imbued with free will; they can be swayed to act in certain ways, often en masse, but they can also pull themselves out of a pattern of action before that pattern solidifies, for such is the nature of freedom. A guy might have a "what an ass!" moment upon seeing un joli cul, but this doesn't mean he's going to start kidnapping women and locking them in cellars as part of a growing collection. Such wildly irrational thinking is what leads some feminist schools of thought to preach, for example, that "all men are potential rapists." No, we're not.

2. The "plump, curvy ass" language matched neither the general tone of the rest of the blog, nor the tone of the picture in question.

It might be true that that tone is jarringly out of place for some, but this doesn't amount to an argument for removal of the offending language. Quite the contrary, asking for such a removal amounts to a rude imposition, as mentioned before: it's like coming into someone's house and demanding they rearrange the furniture.

3. It's just icky, OK? Change it! Strangely enough, this is probably the most compelling stance. But note that there's no reasoning here; whatever motivation exists behind the command is all visceral, totally irrational, purely emotional, and not particularly considerate of my rights to blog as I wish. Nevertheless, if the commenter is someone with whom I'm on friendly terms, that bond alone may be enough to make me back down. And that is, in fact, what I've done in this case (though not without grumbling about "the thought police"). Yes, you may call me a wuss. Or a pussy.

Two final thoughts: first, ultimately, I see nothing wrong with publicly appreciating the feminine form, whether we do it in florid language or in a markedly lower register. We, men and women, exist bodily and are prone to act bawdily. I'm not suggesting that we drop all pretensions to civility, charge outside, and rut madly in the streets (that's what nightclubs are for: to channel all that sexual energy), but we do need to relax and shed our political correctness. I'm reminded of this daily, because my own bathroom reading is currently George Carlin's often-hilarious When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, another collection that takes on the PC mentality that wants everything to be inoffensive... the end result of which is the stultification of thought and culture, all ironically in the name of respect.

Second, a public proclamation about a general stance ("I've got a weakness for plump, curvy asses") is not the same thing as loudly declaring "What an ass!" when a woman passes by. A lot of people fail to see the difference, which is usually the result of overly large ego boundaries that contribute to inordinate sensitivity. I've had commenters who, at both this and my other blog, have reacted to things I've written as if I had personally attacked them. That reaction might be understandable if I were, say, tossing off racist remarks or engaging in truly sexist rants (like this dude, or possibly even this dude), but I fail to see how appreciation qualifies as offensive.

I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna [pull out your tough]
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearin'
I'm hooked and I can't stop starin'
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-Smoothskin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

(Sir Mix-a-Lot, "Baby Got Back")

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one nation, under semen

2008-11-05T11:04:00.002+09:00

Do you have any idea how much victory sex will be going on this evening after Obama wins this election? Liberals can be found everywhere, not just in urban areas, and I guarantee you that they will be fucking each other's brains out. Sperm will be flying high and low, like bullets on Normandy Beach, so please: if you absolutely must drive tonight, break out the winter gear early to assure the maximum amount of traction. Put chains on your tires, or drag the hovercraft out of mothballs. If you can avoid driving, do so. Wait until tomorrow afternoon, when the spunk will have started to cake and crust over. Tonight, though, America will be auto-bukkake-ing itself, so seriously think about staying indoors.

And if you're a liberal... do the rest of us a favor and watch your aim.

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MASSIVE ERECTION DAY!

2008-11-05T10:31:00.004+09:00

I'm breaking radio silence because I'm sexually excited by the prospect of watching the ultimate snuff film: Barack Obama avidly gnawing on John McCain's quivering intestines.

Not that I wouldn't be any less excited if it were the other way around, but as of this writing, it appears that it's McCain who's chained to the stalagmite and not his adversary. Sorry, John. It was a good run, but you're lunch.

Obama will pause in mid-gnaw, removing his head from inside McCain's abdominal cavity to sniff the air suspiciously. His eyes will prowl the cave until he finally sees the camera that's filming this ghoulish feast.

And then...

Barack Obama will smile a demon's smile, the corners of his mouth pulling away from each other to an impossible, inhuman distance. Tattered ropes and ribbons of John McCain will be visible in that maw, hanging wetly from Obama's faceful of saberlike fangs.

Obama will cackle madly, then return to his hellish repast with renewed fervor as McCain whimpers and struggles feebly, too far gone to be saved. Oh, the end is gonna be brutal, John. May your last thoughts be of Cindy... or of Sarah.

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quiescence

2008-04-02T19:27:00.003+09:00

The time has come, Dear Reader, to send this perverse, chaotic mass of verbiage and imagery off to its bedroom for a year(s)-long siesta. As noted before, this isn't the end of the Hairy Chasms; I'll be posting here every now and again over the course of the next year or two.

But for those among you who have been dedicated readers, willing to follow me through thick and thin (or, in this case, from thick to thin as my upcoming Walk whittles me down to a less freakish size), I encourage you to keep tabs on the madness over at Kevin's Walk.

The time has come to focus more acutely on what lies ahead, which means the tomfoolery has got to go. It's been fun, and it'll be fun again: this isn't adios, after all... it's merely one last, desperate French kiss and boob squeeze to tide us over until we meet again.

See you at the other blog. In the meantime:

may rainbows shine from your anus,
may you shit gold nuggets and filthy little leprechauns,
and may you never accidentally fuck anyone's pet.

ONE LAST UPDATE: We had our "midterm" evaluations last week, and I got the results back just now.

My 7:40AM Level 2 class gave me a 96.7%.
My 8:50AM Level 2 class gave me a 90%, the bastards.
My noon Current Events English class gave me a 100%. The love is mutual.
My 1:30PM Level 2 class gave me a 100%.
My Pronunciation Clinic class gave me a 94.7%.

If we simply average the five classes, my final average is 96.28%.

If we calculate the whole mess by taking the average of all the individual sheets, we get 945 points out of 980 (each student can award a maximum of 35 points), which is a 96.4%.

A 96% either way. Story of my life.

In case you were wondering about student numbers:

My 7:40AM Level 2 class turned in 7 eval forms.
My 8:50AM Level 2 class turned in 4 eval forms, the bastards.
My noon Current Events English class turned in 8 eval forms. The love is mutual.
My 1:30PM Level 2 class turned in 2 eval forms (only 3 students in this class).
My Pronunciation Clinic class turned in 7 eval forms (10 students were there that day... did 3 students abstain?).

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one last ass-kicking from Alan Cook

2008-04-02T11:30:00.005+09:00

Alan Cook holds my feet to the fire again, this time in his blistering critique of my essay on philosophy of mind. While I reject some of his criticisms, I think many (and there are many!) of them are valid and deserve to be addressed, but this blog is going dormant as of tonight (dormant isn't dead-- occasional posts will appear here over the coming year or two), so I doubt I'll be responding anytime soon.

Of note is one critique Alan made about my qualia/Taoism association. Sperwer made almost exactly the same critique long ago, and this is indeed a point that needs fixing. In Alan's case, the critique runs thus:

Here, it seems to me that Kevin commits an elementary logical error: from the facts that a is F and b is F, it does not follow that a=b. Just because the Dao is ineffable and must be directly experienced to be known, and the same can be said about qualia, it does not follow that the two terms refer to the same thing.

I don't think I actually equated the Tao with qualia, so I'm not sure I'm guilty of the fallacy described above. What I was doing was trying to point out a thematic resemblance. I may have failed in the attempt, however, and for that reason I might have to leave the Taoism illustration aside since it seems to muddy the waters rather than clarify them. Sperwer's own remarks were similar in spirit to Alan's, which leads me to believe that, as written, the passage to which Alan is referring can easily be read as committing the "a-b-F" fallacy. That alone is reason enough for a rewrite.

(NB: A second edition of Water from a Skull-- perhaps one in which the essay on philosophy of mind is an actual paper and not merely a superficial meditation-- won't be appearing for a long, long while.)

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were you April fooled?

2008-04-02T11:27:00.002+09:00

I want to thank the kind commenters who thought my previous post was serious. It was indeed an April Fool's joke (a lame one, as Charles comments), but not malicious in intent.

I don't know whether you tried this, but if you drag your cursor across that post and highlight the entire thing, you'll find a hidden message.

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the bad news I haven't revealed yet

2008-04-01T23:23:00.004+09:00

While I've been farting around with Walk graphics and accepting cash donations (thank you all; you know who you are), there's one thing I haven't wanted to reveal to my readership, largely because it's more than a tad embarrassing:

I've decided to nix the Walk and stay in Korea.

I'm in the process of refunding my plane ticket, and am mentally rehearsing what I'm going to say to my bosses, who are likely to be pissed off.

This may seem sudden to you, but that's only because I've been... well, to be honest, I've been rather afraid of everyone's reaction. "Pulling a Boyle, are you?" I can hear someone saying. No, I'm not pulling a Boyle. To do that, I'd have to actually start the Walk. It's better this way, yes? I can refund the donations I've received, I can save the walk graphics for when they'll be useful, I can begin when I'm more physically fit.

So I'm writing this at around 11:30PM because I'm hoping my Korea-bound readership will be away from their computers and hobnobbing with the Sandman. I don't know what my Stateside and European readers will do or think, but... be kind, OK? People sometimes pull a 180.

Sorry, folks.
And if you actually believe this post, I should tell you about my two-meter penis.

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o-hae hajimaseyo!

2008-04-01T17:25:00.005+09:00

This morning, I brought in a mess of cheese, crackers, juice, and figs for my noon Current Events class to consume. Around 11:15AM, I saw one of my Pronunciation Clinic students dipping into my big red Costco bag, examining its contents item by item, without any fear of being caught. I thought this was pretty fucking brazen, but I held my temper and approached her with my usual loud, blustery, humorous routine, acting the part of the scandalized merchant who has caught a shopper rifling through the wares in the back room.

"Oh! Please don't take this the wrong way!" she said in Korean (o-hae hajimaseyo-- literally, "don't misunderstand").

Why the Korean? you bellow. Why isn't she speaking to you in English? A number of reasons, actually. One is that her own English is awful; she lived in China for a year and speaks great Chinese, from what I've heard, but her English needs some major surgery. Another is that she's not one of my regular students (i.e., not one of my Level 2 students), so I feel little obligation to push her to speak English with me. Some teachers have a standing policy about speaking English to all students all the time, and I respect that. It's just not what I do. That brings me to the third reason for speaking Korean with her: selfish bastard that I am, I try to seek out opportunities to practice the tattered Korean I have.

This student is hilarious, actually; she's Student Number One in the pronunciation class (all the students are numbered; this makes it easier for me to assign file names to the audio recordings everyone makes for me), and on the first day, she failed to understand when I asked, at the beginning of her very first audio recording session with me, "What's your student number?" All she had to say was, "One," but instead she gave this weird little gasp as if she had just caught me whacking off. My response to this sounds far worse on the recording than it did in reality. I leaned closer to the mike and repeated, "What's your student number?" in a strident voice that eerily reminded me of the way my dad used to sound on those rare occasions when he was pissed off. On the recording, I sound positively scary; in real life, I was smiling and feeling rather amused by how flustered the student was. I really need to put that recording up on YouTube.

Anyway, I cheerfully needled the poor girl about her brazen rummagery, calling her "thief!" and questioning how she'd been raised. She laughed-- a show of how mortified she was, not of how she appreciated my cruel sense of humor. I stopped busting her balls after a while, but I did want to make it very clear that you just-- don't-- root-- around-- other-- people's-- shit. I ended my harassment on an ominous note: "Don't ever do that if you go to America!"

Heh.

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Ave, Malcolm!

2008-04-01T10:24:00.002+09:00

Malcolm emailed me this YouTube link. I just about puked from laughing. Apparently, this video's gone viral.

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nomophobia?

2008-04-01T00:43:00.003+09:00

Is "nomophobia" the fear of Hideo Nomo?

No: it's "no mobile phobia"-- the fear of being out of cell phone contact.

That has to be the dumbest fucking phobia ever. It's dumb on at least two levels: first, people with nomophobia are lame. Second, the Greek nomos means law, so to my ears, nomophobia means "fear of law." Applying such a dignified-sounding term to cell phone addiction is just wrong.

It's possible to establish a connection between the lame nomophobia and the fear-of-law nomophobia: our route lies through the work of Peter Berger, the sociologist who wrote the classic The Sacred Canopy, a succinct overview of the sociology of religion. Berger gently conflates* two Greek notions: law and order (nomos and kosmos) to give us his term nomos, which refers to the overarching and undergirding social order. A teenager experiencing anomie feels somehow separate or detached from this order. In a sense, then, a cell phone addict deprived of his or her phone might feel great anxiety because of a perception (however false and fucked up) that s/he has been cut off from the greater order.

I suspect that introverts are less susceptible to this nonsense than extraverts, who can be fucking needy. Come to think of it, that's one of the happiest aspects of my departure from Korea: while I'm going to miss the country and its people terribly, I will most assuredly NOT miss having a damn cell phone.

*To be fair, law and order imply each other, so I'm not accusing Berger of doing anything sneaky here. A system that runs on laws will automatically manifest order, and an ordered system must needs contain constraints (i.e., laws).

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I think this is better

2008-03-31T23:33:00.003+09:00

I wasn't all that satisfied with my previous attempt at a bumper sticker/letterhead image for my Walk, so as you'll see below, I've tried again. Gone is the Kevin image; gone, too, are the massive bootprint, the varied fonts, and the generally busy design.

It took a while to figure out how I was going to represent America on the bumper sticker; my original thought had been to take an outline map of the Lower 48 and squish that into a bumper sticker's dimensions. I abandoned that idea, however, because such a distortion probably would have made the US unrecognizable. I think that switching over to red, white, and blue works better. I'm probably going to go with this design: it represents everything I want it to-- a walk across America plus the interreligious theme of the trek.

Although it wasn't by design, I kind of like the way Buddhism ends up near the middle, where it should be. The Christian cross floats over my heart, obviously because I'm a Christian (that was by design).

I thought about adding the blog's URL, but decided against it once I saw that the URL simply brought us once again to the edge of "too busy!"

UPDATE: Check out tee shirts here and bumper stickers here. Unlike what you see above, the actual design has no black border.

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bad comparisons

2008-03-31T17:17:00.003+09:00

You may have seen the hysterical Drudge headline, "Muslims More Numerous than Catholics." The article says:

Islam has overtaken Roman Catholicism as the biggest single religious denomination in the world, the Vatican said on Sunday.

The problem, of course, is that Islam is not a single religious denomination. A proper comparison would be between all of Islam and all of Christianity, and there, the ratio remains about the same as it's been for a while: about 2 to 1 in favor of Christians. (The article offers no hard figures, but guesses at a ratio of 2 billion Christians to 1.3 billion Muslims.)

Beware false comparisons!

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