let the promos begin!

Many thanks to the people who continue to buy my book through Amazon.com. But I still don't know why you're so afraid to purchase directly from me; I haven't stalked people in literally years.

Consider this a promise: I will never do anything with your contact information other than deliver the book to you. If your main worry is that I'll somehow sneer at you for buying a scatological book-- the way a video store clerk might smirk as you walk up to the desk with a porno-- don't worry. Unlike the clerk, who probably didn't make the video in question, I did write Scary Spasms. Far from sneering at you, I'll be very thankful.

And remember, you're helping me out by buying directly from me; Amazon.com steals 55% of my cover price with every purchase. And I pay them a maintenance fee to keep my ad on their site. And I pay my own shipping every time they request a re-stock of my book in one of their warehouses (well, lately, my brother's been paying-- thanks, Dave). In the end, I think I may actually be losing money through Amazon.

But I've decided I want to beef up my comments section, Vomit Vile Vituperation (sidebar). So here's the deal: I will give away promo copies of Scary Spasms in Hairy Chasms to commenters whose position numbers are multiples of 11. So if you're Commenter Number 11, 22, 33, 44, etc., you'll get a free copy of Scary Spasms. Be sure I can contact you so I can get your delivery info.

This promo will run for as long as I'm in the States, i.e., until January 6th.

The catch: the comments leading up to those lucky numbers have to be meaningful, content-rich, and display-worthy, otherwise they'll be deleted, which will piss off everyone else when they see they've been shunted on the list. So if you want to leave comments, leave pithy, substantive ones. No two-worders like "You suck!" or four-worders like "You bite donkey balls!" or five-worders like "You make my labia shrivel." In fact, let's stipulate a 150-word minimum on the comments. I'll use MS Word as the "official" word counter; only the main text of the comment will be counted, and I reserve the right to judge what constitutes "main text" and "substantive."

There are currently six comments in Vile Vituperation. I'm not deleting them, so if you scramble, you might be Commenter Number 11. Just remember: substantive, meaty, and at least 150 words of main text according to MS Word. If you can't dredge up 150 words, which amounts to little more than a logos-dingleberry when compared to my usual prose-dump, I have to wonder who the hell my readership is. Empty-headed, or just laconic?

Ayup.

To sum up:

1. Free Scary Spasms to be given out between now and January 6th.
2. Givees are those whose comments in Vile Vituperation land on position numbers that are multiples of 11.
3. The main text of the post has to be at least 150 words, or it will be deleted.
4. The post must be judged substantive, or it will be deleted. (Damn, I'm a Nazi; ask the high school kids to whom I taught French in the early 90s; I had a reputation as a hardass, according to the Latin teacher.)
5. Yes, the same person can win more than one book. If Carrie Fisher is Poster Number 33 and 55, for example, then the Princess gets two books.
6. (UPDATE) Also, the same person can post several comments in an effort to hit one of the "sweet spots" on the list. But the "substantive" and "150-word" rules still apply.

Good luck. Be creative. Be scholarly. Be interesting. Be pedantic. Just don't be brief or boring. And as I've done in the past, I do post (and link to) disagreements, so be disagreeable, if that's what your bowels move you to be. If you want to stir up controversy in 150 words or more, I welcome it. Can you write cheesy erotica? I might be posting it on the main page (I want to see someone, preferably a bio major, try their hand as mitosis erotica).

Meanwhile, meditate on this question:

Given the generally accepted definitions of the terms "vowel" and "consonant," is your anus making vowel or consonantal noises when you take a dump?

Stick a comprehensive answer in the comments section if you have one.

_