Byeon-gi Gyeong: The Toilet Sutra

Thus I have heard:

Sariputra asked the Venerable Lord,
"What is good shitting?"
and the Venerable Lord responded:

O Sariputra, there is no good or evil in shitting
for shit may serve as compost
or be flung at your enemies in agitation.

The twenty gazillion Buddhas of the trichilicosm
have been known even to fling dung for fun
and shit for shitting's sake!
There have even been
intramural ping-pong shit contests
between Eastern and Western Paradise
(I usually root for Amitabha's team, the Western Lotus-Sniffers)
is this good? is this evil?

Good and evil arise and fall away.
As the shit builds inside you,
there is discomfort, gas, pain,
and you think to yourself,
"Hrrrrgh-- ho ho! Soon I must dump!"
Then!
When the blessed moment arrives,
and you squat compassionately over your least favorite
political candidate, your shit emerges,
and your feeling becomes:
"Ahhh, this is good!"

But be not fooled: this moment of self-emptying is not emptiness!

Learn from your bowels, Sariputra,
that there is only movement--
but within the Great Movement,
there lies the Great Stillness,
the "Ahhh" that rivals "Om."

What is your colon, after all?
Sometimes it is a fighting spirit;
sometimes a hungry ghost;
sometimes your colon is a god,
the terrible, glorious Tushita Heaven for gerbils.

And what is shit?
Is it the river of pus and excrement?
Is it the turbulent Ganges?
Is it divine ambrosia?
You shit out the heavens,
and you shit out the 84,000 hells!

You say, "This is my colon,"
but your colon belongs not to you,
for its reality is ever in flux--
the Great Movement!
And its reality manifests emptiness--
the Great Stillness!

No shitting, no end to shitting!
No farting, no end to farting!
When you realize these things,
O Sariputra,
then your shitting will be truly good.

Now get out of the way. I need to hit the john.

_