the Unknown Blogiversary

A good chunk of my readership is in the States, and the nation's just waking up and prepping for its big-ass birthday party. Today also marks the blogiversary of the Hairy Chasms, but I thought I'd keep things low-key out of respect for the bigger birthday party.



Janeane Garofalo writes:

Hi, Kevin! Happy Blogiversary! I think your blog sucks shit and you obviously don't know what you're talking about in terms of politics or religion, but I'll take all that back if you blogroll me.

JG

Morgan Freeman writes:

Your blog is occasionally interesting, but I still like Cobb better.

Yours,

M. Freeman

Keanu Reeves writes:

Dude, just cut it out. No, I'm serious, man, I'll fuck you up if you keep dissing me.

K

Sandra Bernhard writes:

Mmmmm. Your blog smells like pussy. Delicious.

Sandra

Anna Nicole Smith writes:

Don't lie. I know that was you, breathing all heavy on the phone last week, too afraid to say anything.

Anna

George W. Bush writes:

Happy Blogavursry and CONGRADULATIONS on making it thru a HOLE DAM YEAR. Be careful, my friend, because BLOGS ARE LIKE CRACK, and I dont mean PUSSY either, I mean CRACK, like the stuff I told everyone I swore off.

Anyway, Dick and Condi say hey and give their best to the centipede. We really need to hire that guy. He's got "Pentigon" written all over him. And Condi thinks he's sexxy.

Best,

George

PS: Pretzel-free for two-and-a-half years! I'm tellin ya, that centipede knows his Asian remedies. Let centipedes reign!

ON A TRAGIC NOTE: My centipede gave up the ghost on Saturday. I'm still trying to figure out why, because some centipedes can live for years. I suspect I didn't water him enough. Also, centipedes are predators, and while my beastie gnawed his bread crumbs with élan, I think he craved the struggling flesh of the living. I haven't had the heart to break the news to George yet.

Go with God, centipede. Go with God.

And now... back to the letters.

Not to be outdone by Bush, John Kerry writes:

Happy Blogiversary. Kevin, I'm going to win this election. I'm going to win it and then your sorry ass will be mine. Oh, you're gonna regret the day you decided to fuck with me. You think I didn't see those cartoons you drew of me? Think again! And remember this: an entire legion of my best troops await you! If I'm elected, it will be my mission in life to take your blog down, gut you, and while you're dying, the last thing you'll see in this world is my wife stuffing your centipede up her ass!

Looking forward to when we meet,


John

Kerry didn't get the news, either.

Ah, life. Happy Blogiversary to me.




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