my amazing cream

Holy shit-- they weren't lying. All you need is air.

Back when I made that dinner for my friends, one of the things I attempted-- but failed at-- was making whipped cream to top off the ice cream I'd bought. I bought a "brick" of whipping cream (if I may appropriate the French term une brique de lait, signifying the brick-shaped boxes of milk so common in France, Switzerland, and elsewhere in Europe)... then realized I didn't have the first damn clue how I was going to whip it. Wire whisk? Fuck that-- I'm lazy. Then it dawned on me: Max's blender.

So I got online and found some instructions for using a blender to make whipped cream, but I ignored the cardinal rule: the whipping cream won't become cream if it doesn't have a lot of air to work with. On that fateful day a few weeks ago, I poured until the blender was over two-thirds full of cream, screwed on the rotating blades, then went to town. The recipe warned me what might happen: you end up making butter. Sure enough, that's what I got: a whey-like juice plus... well, butter.

It probably didn't help that I'd added some sugar in the hopes of sweetening the cream.

Today was different. I decided to heed all warnings and proceed with caution. Max's blender doesn't have any holes in the top of the container, so I couldn't follow the online instructions exactly. Those instructions encouraged people to whip the cream full-force after unscrewing (or otherwise removing) the transparent grip on the blender's top, and then loosely covering the hole with one's fingers, thereby allowing the cream to "breathe" while it's whipped. Max's blender is hermetic, so to achieve the proper airiness, I filled the container only one-third full.

Success! Perfect results after barely 20 seconds of whipping, and Mother Nature herself lets you know immediately when the whipping is done: the blender motor suddenly whines at a higher pitch, indicating sudden solidification: the cream is hovering above the blades, which are spinning much faster because they're hitting nothing.

Amazing. I hereby congratulate myself. Now I need to find some young, nubile nipples on which to smear the cream. In the meantime, praise be unto Max for bequeathing to me what has proven to be a very versatile kitchen appliance. I'll be very sad the day that blender disintegrates. Given the frequency with which I use it, I fear that day is not far off.


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