I'm about to go see "King Kong" this evening, but before I waddle off, I thought my readers would be pleased to know that, after thirty-six years of hard training, my asshole is starting to form words... or at least wordoids.
It's getting better with the articulation and enunciation. Volume was never a problem; my ass is a born shouter. Some of the stuff I've heard my ass say recently:
1. Something along the lines of, "Mmmmbooooooom!" Very jazzy/bluesy.
2. Once it distinctly said, "Herrrrrrrrrrrrr." Yes... she's always in my thoughts, too.
3. Another time, I'm sure I heard, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." An expression of solidarity? Or a French "yes"? Then again, that might have been "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat," which is... altogether different.
4. It took a bit of effort on my part to make this out, but I'm sure my ass once said, "Bar." With something of a rising, questioning intonation. Almost British.
5. A growled "Pert." My ass often rates women. One time it saw a cold bitch and said, "Brrrrrrrrrrr."
6. Definitely a "Yesssssssssss" right before a huge log shot out.
7. Countless numbers of times, some form of the verb "put."
8. I once heard a syllable reminiscent of "Wow." A close cousin of that utterance reminded me of "Far." We might have been staring at distant mountains.
9. My ass said "burp" once.
10. I was confused the day it said "Saw." Was it the participle or the noun?
OK... off to a movie about primates bumpin' uglies. You just know that, somewhere in a New Zealand hideaway, Peter Jackson is wackin' off like a caged spider monkey as the cash rolls in.
UPDATE (2 minutes later): Shit. After weighing the pros and cons, I've decided to stay home. I've got a nasty cough and a headache. My internet service, which was fritzing all weekend, is chugging away again, so perhaps I'll write an entry pondering the lack of comments on my huge essay, below.
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I'm often startled and saddened by expressions of self-loathing from my ass, ranging from "Peee-yeew!" to long, heartfelt Bronx raspberries.
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