a dirty slut of infinite ass

A commenter at Skippy's blog, Ford W. Maverick, offers a hilarious rewrite of the famed "Alas, poor Yorick!" soliloquy in Shakespeare's Hamlet, in honor of a recently deceased porn star named Anna Malle (get it? Ani-mal?). Read Skippy's solemn eulogy here. Ford's sprightly verse, however, is reprinted below in full, with what I assume to be Ford's permission.

Alas, poor Anna! I knew her, Skippy: a dirty slut
of infinite ass, of most excellent breasts: she hath
borne men on her back a thousand times; and now, how
adored in my imagination it is! my penis rises at
it. There hung those breasts that I have masturbated to I know
not how oft. Where be your mellons now? your
gazongas? your funbags? your flashes of double-penetration,
that were wont to set the VCR on a roar? Not one
now, to mock your own humping? quite cock-fallen?
Now get us to my bedding chamber, and tell her, let
us fast-forward to the good parts, to this favour she must
come; make her laugh at that.

Compare:

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath
borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how
abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at
it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know
not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your
gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,
that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one
now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen?
Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let
her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must
come; make her laugh at that.

By the way, Skippy's take on the Oprah Winfrey-James Frey scandal (wherein Oprah publicly castigated Frey for duping her: Frey had claimed his book A Million Little Pieces was a memoir, but it turned out to be mostly contrived) makes for a refreshing contrast to the standard take.


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