shattering the myths

As a half-Korean, I'm sick of people who spread myths about Korea, so I've decided to confront some of the most malicious canards head-on in this post. Given that my blog receives over 10,000 unique visits per hour, I expect the truth to spread virally-- an epidemic of correct speech to combat the skein of lies that enmeshes my people, keeping them from realizing their full potential as a global power.

Here we go:

1. Korean children do not dress their dogs up before eating them. They dress up the bones afterward.

2. Pikachu's exploits are not an allegorical representation of the campaigns led by Admiral Yi Sun-shin. I have it on good authority that Pikachu is not even Korean: he's Somali. Christ, look at his color scheme!

3. Koreans are not surgically rewired at birth to reject the notion of straight lines existing between Point A and Point B.

4. Korean women do not beat their men with baseball bats to "soften them up and make their meat tastier by infusing it with adrenaline" before sex.

5. Tangun is not the god of ramyeon.

6. Ddeok-bokgi is most assuredly not made from the severed fingers of North Korean orphans.

7. Kimchi-jjigae, a spicy cabbage stew, does cure cancer and can raise the dead. (By the way, dwenjang-jjigae is the best protection against vampires.)

8. Those huge coils of street vendor soondae (a type of blood sausage) do not come from ox penises.

9. Koreans have not developed the technology to download martial arts knowledge into their brains, "Matrix"-style. Which reminds me: those commercials where you see some chick or some dude casually walking up a wall? All faked by CGI.

10. The Yuk-sam ("63") Building is not a disguised nuclear missile silo.

11. Korean dogs are not all fitted with remote-control grenades as a precaution against invasion.

12. Korean women do not bathe in tubs of ground-up canaries to remove skin blemishes.

13. Korean middle schoolers do not spend their days chucking pig brains and rotten squid at each other.

14. The Chinese characters for "Taegu" do not translate as "City of the Blowjob." There is a Chinese character, dae, which means "big," and a character gu, which means "mouth, opening, entry," but the hanja for Taegu are not those characters. Seoul, on the other hand, is Old Korean for "Sit on my face."

15. Korean men, as a sign of manliness, do not masturbate with chopsticks dipped in glue and rolled in powdered glass.

16. The squirrels at Seoul's Olympic Park are not North Korean spies.

17. The triumphant interjection "A-ssah!" is not screamed at the moment of orgasm.

18. It is possible to learn Korean in under twenty years.

19. Koreans adore the Japanese, and the baseball player Ichiro is an adopted son of Korea.

20. The answer to the question "What lies inside a Korean woman's miniskirt?" is not "Horror, desolation, and the possibility of fangs."


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