I've written about those wussy little gangster wannabes who zip noisily around Namsan on their scooters after midnight. They occasionally make the news (as they did recently). On Tuesday, I told my Level 3 students that I wasn't impressed by a bunch of guys on scooters and mopeds, and one girl's reaction to my remark made me laugh out loud. She said: "I think those gangsters are actually food delivery guys who stole the company scooters."
I think my student was serious, but I laughed because I immediately had this picture of a Korea overflowing with secret gangs of Delivery Dudes-- guys who putt-putt along the streets on their tiny scooters, weaving through crowds, scowling at passersby with battle-hardened stoicism, giving other Delivery Dudes cryptic gangsta hand signs as they pass each other in the alleyways, using vulgar slang to refer to their mundane cargo-- calling pizza "a skank," calling Chinese food "crack" and so on.
Imagine the turf wars. A new Chinese place opens up in an area heretofore dominated by the pizza guys. Imagine ugly street-fighter taekwondo with chunks of fried pork and pepperoni thrown like shuriken. Imagine scores settled with brandished woks, pizza cutters, and those ever-sharp kimbap steak knives. Who owns the corner of Saem-gil and Minari-gil, huh?
WHO, BITCH?
The gangs police their own dead after any rumble, and the dead are a mess: chopsticks rammed up foramen magnums, sushi crammed into eye sockets, Western cutlery jammed into urethras, entire pizzas stomped into colons, thoracic cavities filled with still-steaming ddeokbokki, biceps femoris flesh carefully sliced and placed on California rolls, nipples filleted and coated with wasabi. And woe betide the oblivious citizen who blunders into any gang war: he's likely to be chained up, then drawn and quartered by pairs of whooping scooterboys riding off in four directions-- his sundered body another meal for the rats and pigeons. This is Seoul: a city where, thanks to the biker gangs, the vermin have a taste for human flesh.
Wa chi yo asseu an deu kwi cho bi ching!
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