On this day, may your love be wetter and stickier than ever before.
And here, good gentles, is a Valentine's Day poem from my book, Scary Spasms in Hairy Chasms, on sale through Etsy.com.
But there's more! In honor of Whitney Houston, I will now Kevinize one of her love songs the way I always do when I sing love songs: I replace "love" (the noun) with "slugs"... and sometimes make other changes.
A few stolen moments is all that we share
You've got your family, and they need you there
Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I'm shaving all my slugs for you
It's not very easy, living all alone
My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I'm shaving all my slugs for you
You used to tell me we'd run away together
Slugs give you the right to be free
You said be patient, just wait a little longer
But that's just an old fantasy
I've got to get ready, just a few minutes more
Gonna get that old feeling when you walk through that door
For tonight is the night, for feeling all right
We'll be making slugs the whole night through
So I'm shaving all my slugs
Yes I'm shaving all my slugs
Yes I'm shaving all my slugs for you
No other woman is gonna love you more
Cause tonight is the night, that I'm feeling all right
We'll be making slugs the whole night through
So I'm shaving all my slugs
Yeah, I'm shaving all my slugs
Yes, I'm shaving all my slugs for you
For you, for you
But why stop with only one?
I found out what I've been missing
Always on the run
I've been looking for someone
[Chorus:]
Now you're here like you've been before
And you know just what I need
It took some time for me to see
That you give good slugs to me, baby
So good, take this heart of mine into your hands
You give good slugs to me
Never too much
Baby, you give good slugs
Never stopping, I was always searching
For those perfect slugs
The kind that girls like me dream of
[chorus]
Now I, I can't stop looking around
It's not what these slugs're all about
Our slugs are here to stay, stay
[chorus]
_
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