dildo omelette

It looks utterly disgusting, but I now love making "omelettes" (they're not really omelettes) via the Ziploc-boil method. These are among the best-tasting eggses I've ever made, and I think the reason is that no oil is involved. There's something very simple and pure about this prep method, and while the result isn't like what you get when you cook your ideal French omelette, it's still pretty damn tasty.

Ingredients
2-3 eggs
shredded cheese
salt
pepper

I've run out of milk for the month, otherwise I'd have added milk to the ingredients list. Anyway, get a largish pot boiling, then reduce the heat so that the water is only barely boiling: even strong plastic like Ziploc will crinkle and melt a bit in the heat, so there's no need to blast the plastic with violently boiling water. In a sandwich-sized Ziploc bag, dump in your whole eggs and cheese; add salt and pepper to taste. Some YouTube vids show people also adding things like chives and spices, but in my case, I went minimalist because I knew I'd be slathering syrup over my breakfast, which included homemade sausage and cinnamon-sugar oatmeal. Squeeze out as much air as possible from the Ziploc, then seal it. Use your hand to mash and "scramble" the eggs and cheese until you've got everything to an even consistency. Hold the Ziploc by the top so that all the egg-and-cheese mixture gathers at the bottom of the bag. Dunk into the gently boiling water; the bag will initially sink before eventually rising again. It's while the bag is sunken that the egg mixture will start to solidify into a shape that looks uncomfortably like a dildo. Around that point, the bag will bob to the surface, and you'll simply leave it in place until it's mostly done. This process will take about 12 minutes from initial dunk. At the 12-minute mark, turn off the heat. The bag will be floating on one side like a dead fish; to finish off the cook, flip the bag over in the water to allow the exposed upper side of the dildo to go face-down and finish cooking, another 2-3 minutes. You're looking at about 15 minutes, total, in the water. Fish the Ziploc out with tongs, run cold water over the egg mixture to cool it down a bit (if you're planning on storing it before eating it the next day, that is; otherwise, pull the mixture out hot and just eat comme ça), then gently squeeze out your proud new egg-dildo and store it in a fresh Ziploc bag. Otherwise, skip the cooldown, dump the thing onto a plate, and eat it. I don't know why, but I find this prep method fantastic.

Depending on my mood, I enjoy my eggs in any number of forms and textures: runny, solid, salted, with Tabasco, done up as a true omelette, frittata'ed, quiched, merely scrambled—whatever. I think this Ziploc method for prepping a faux omelette appeals to me because the eggs remind me a bit of the kinds of eggs you get when you're on an airplane. The faux omelette will have a firm, thoroughly cooked consistency; if that's not your thing, then avoid this prep method. Otherwise, enjoy your dildo.