adieu

Some Elizabeths are nice, cute, and smart. I worked with such an Elizabeth once, years ago. Other Elizabeths impress us by being insufferable twats, and such a one was the over-sanctimonious, perpetually aggrieved, un-charismatic Elizabeth You Know Who, who has finally admitted defeat and dropped out of the race to be the Democrat nominee for president of the United States. This Elizabeth came alive, late in her campaign, just long enough to sink her feminist falchion into the guts of jumbo shrimp Mike Bloomberg, tanking him and his prospects before being dragged down by the undertow of her own failed campaign.

So the big-tent party of racial diversity has narrowed its field to two old, very likely crazy white idiots, and possibly Tulsi Gabbard if it turns out she qualifies for the next debate. Come grab ewe elations, Democrats! Not to say the Republican system is much better, but damn, your system for finding a viable nominee sucks some truly massive, truly sweaty balls.

I feel kind of bad for ol' Uncle Liz, who now schleps sadly back to her mud hut to comfort herself with a bottle of beer that will do double duty as refreshment and dildo. To be fair, she was kind of impressive when she took on Mike Bloomberg. That moment left me wondering where the hell all that focus and energy had been during the rest of her campaign, which had been marked by a weird desire to shadow Bernie Sanders's kooky economic, social, and foreign policies while flaunting how socially awkward she could appear on video. "I'm gonna fuck me a beer!" ought to be her bumper-sticker slogan. That'd sell.

Anyway, the field has narrowed to two old, white geezers and (maybe) one hot, smart Person of Color whose views are nonetheless way, way to the left of where they should be. Tulsi is our only hope for keeping this race interesting. A Sanders nomination automatically dooms the Democrats because no sane Democrat actually wants to go full retard—uh, I mean socialist. A Biden nomination means we get to watch a sad septuagenarian get picked apart by a doughy, bombastic president whose mastery of the English language is shaky at best. As in 2016, when people were calling Trump's side a bunch of morons, you have to wonder what it feels like to be on the team—to be the leader of the team—that gets beaten by the morons.