It's been thirteen years since Mom passed away. I turned 40 the year Mom was diagnosed with the brain cancer that would kill her nine months later; I turned 53 last August, and despite the passage of almost a decade and a half, there are still moments when Mom's death seems to have happened only yesterday. Looking back at old photos of Mom, both healthy and sick, can trigger the tears. Otherwise, enough time has passed that I'm mostly back to living my life.
I wonder what Mom would think of her sons now. My brother Sean is married and living as a professional musician in the Chicago suburbs. My brother David has risen in the ranks of the PR company that he's worked for for well over a decade, working as a jack-of-all-trades in the creative department. I'm finally pulling in decent money working in publishing; I've also paid off all my scholastic debt, and I've walked across mainland South Korea four times (plus once around Jeju Island and a spur of the Nakdong River). I wonder what Mom would say about my having had a stroke in May 2021.
While part of me would like to believe she's still there, watching over me somehow, I don't know what to believe on that point. I see her presence in the cosmos flowers that line the trails I've walked; Mom loved cosmos flowers. But flowers are only a representation of Mom—they're not Mom herself. What I wouldn't give to be able to talk to Mom again, to hug her, to listen to her laugh. Her absence still hurts.
Goodbye, Mom—thirteen years gone. I love you.
I'll be honest: if my friend Bill Keezer hadn't written in to remind me of Mom's yahrzeit, I'd have forgotten to post this. That's how tired and stressed I am by my current job situation. Not a very good son. I'll try to do better next year.
I have no doubt your mother would be proud of you and your brothers. Her boys are her legacy, and she lives on through you. The love and pain you feel are just a part of who you are now and will always be with you. I think there is comfort to be found in that.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious, did your mom read your blog?
Thanks, John.
ReplyDeleteNo, she didn't read the blog. From the cosmic perspective, she wouldn't have had much time to read it, anyway: I started the blog in 2003, and she was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2009. After her initial surgery, which removed much of Mom's frontal lobe, she wasn't in any condition to read anything ever again. So Mom had a window of opportunity of about 6 or 7 years, and the blog never sparked her interest. Most Koreans who know me here in Seoul don't bother with the blog, either, which gives me a false sense of security sometimes. Even my two brothers ignore my blog. Or maybe they avoid it because they both tilt more leftward than I do.