Tuesday, January 13, 2009

the Facebook interview

Superblogger Elisson sent me, via Facebook, an invitation to do a Facebook interview, which is essentially a series of random, user-generated questions (you can tell they're user-generated by the atrocious spelling, grammar, tense control, and punctuation). The questions probably number in the thousands at this point; I've answered 134 of them, and will probably answer more. Here are my 134 answers.

1. How tall are you?
About six feet, one inch... taller when farting or sexually excited.

2. Do you like bananas?
I like MY banana.

3. What is your favorite song of all time?
It goes something like this: pppfffttttppp...ploop...tsssssss... aaaahhhh...

4. What do you do on fridays?
I dunk my tentacles in a bucket of old mucus and head out to the local bar for my usual Friday Frenetic Flailabout. That, or I sit around and sweat corn syrup.

5. Flip flops or sandles?
SANDALS! Who taught you to spell?

6. Favorite body part?
Somewhere on my ex.

7. Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
I have a Gatorade-dispensing bidet, which does a great job of refreshing old Harry Enos.

8. Have you had a beer in the last week?
Sorry, but I teetotal. The way I see it, alcohol is for interrogation, not socializing.

9. If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
A penis that squirts molten lead? I really have no clue.

10. What is your favorite place?
Somewhere on my ex.

11. Do you read harry potter books?
More interesting than that question is: Do you write Hermione/McGonagall slash fiction?

12. What is your favorite food?
Alpha Centaurian acid-lobsters basted in cryomantid ichor.

13. What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
If Michael Jackson asked me out, I would make love to him until he turned black again. What, you think he deserves less?

14. Where do you want to travel next?
Somewhere on my ex.

15. What is your favorate Pj Fabric
Nothing beats nakedness, with the wind raking your pubic hair into neat little rows and crop-circle patterns.

16. Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
Change the beggar, then ignore.

17. Do you shower every single day?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

18. Kill the spider or let it out?
Bless the spider, then dash it on a rock so that its soul goes to heaven while still in a state of grace.

19. What is your favorite TV show?
When Beauty Contestants Shart

20. Do you eat cold cereal at night?
Yes. With yo momma. Sometimes I pour the cereal on yo momma and nibble it off her.

21. Define yourself in 3 words...
Viscous. Noisome. Tumescent.

22. Would you rather be blind or deaf?
Deaf people can still be rogue snipers.

23. Are you a cat or a dog person?
Cats can be a bit gamy. Dogs work well in both stews and casseroles.

24. Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?
Neither is as bad as a guy who shoots out an enormous beam of vomit for twenty minutes.

25. Favorite fruit?
Melons. Firm. Juicy.

26. Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
Graakta juice followed by a pseudopodful of chitinous dingding beetles.

27. Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?
I am a big fan of the Fire Escape browser.

28. What was your last thought?
There is no Dana-- only Zuul.

29. Where is Waldo?
Probably banging my ex.

30. Do you support Paris?
Only when she sits on my face, and then only grudgingly.

31. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ha ha! I know this one! Because he knew the road was demonically possessed!

32. Your favorite Disney Films?
I like all the ones that contain lesbian subtext and sensual massage jokes.

33. If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
A 1956 Turbobooger. No car before or since has ever equalled it.

34. Most embarrassing moment?
Taking a shit next to a freeway in Oregon. (Yes, this actually happened.)

35. Most Memorable Past?
I think most people would agree that Jesus Christ has had the most memorable past.

36. What is your favorite clothing brand?
Anything by Leche Lapraline.

37. Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
The peristaltic chorales by the anus-worms of Borborygmus Prime.

38. Favorite Place to Eat?
Chung Lee House of Crispy Armpit Skins

39. Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
Would you rather lose your penis or gain a vagina?

40. Would you rather be hot or cold?
I would rather be rolling happily in dung. Preferably my own.

41. Water or 100% Juice?
Slugs. They go down easy.

42. What size shoes do you wear?
Size has no meaning. It matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?

43. How do you feel?
Aroused. Ready. For you.

44. Romance or Kinky?
We beat each other with live baby harp seals. Well... live at the beginning of the session, anyway.

45. Get the number or give the number?
She has to scan the barcodes on my nipples.

46. When do you plan on getting married?
As soon as I break free of my force-field prison and escape this damnable asteroid!

47. Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
I have a tat of the entire Tripitaka Koreana on my perineum.

48. Who do you admire most?
One day, I want to be Tina Turner. Or Fred Thompson. Or both simultaneously.

49. Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
I own an Arcturian hammersnail, which discharges enormous bolts of lighting when angry. And also when not angry.

50. What are you most proud of in your life?
A huge yellow turd that was the result of eating too much Metamucil.

51. Where do you see yourself in five years?
Fresh out of prison.

52. What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you?
Aerodynamic. Rubbery. Hungry.

53. If you had only six months to live, what would you do first?
Eat as many people as possible.

54. Are you an outdoor or an indoor person
What do you call someone who goes out, shoots a deer, guts the carcass, and crawls inside?

55. What do you do for fun?
I make sock puppets out of freshly removed intestines. Or live rabbits.

56. Who was your hero as a child?
Darth Vader. He understood the uselessness of bureaucracy.

57. Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full?
I guess that depends on how far I run and how much I sweat.

58. If you could travel back in time, what mistake(s) would you want to correct?
I would go back to when the earth was without form and void, and would reshape the earth into a challa loaf.

59. If you won the lottery, how would you spend your millions?
After switching out my nipples for machine guns and bulletproofing my buttocks, I have no idea what I would do.

60. If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be?
I would be a Venusian phallozebra, boinging happily through the jungle.

61. What makes you laugh?

62. What makes you cry?
The knowledge that I can never have multiple orgasms. The way I used to.

63. What is your favourite word?
I like neologisms, like TURDWORM and CHESTICLES.

64. If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook?

65. If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be?
A tiger at the National Zoo in Washington, DC. After I escaped my confines... oh, the slashing and humping!

66. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Up me own bum!

67. If you could be successful at any job in the world, what would that job be?
Grave robber. Or a chef who specializes in kangaroo meat.

68. Describe your perfect Sunday morning?
Destroy a planet, stretch myself thin by traveling through a black hole ten times, fart, sleep.

69. Aliens have landed and selected you to visit their home planet. Do you go with them?
I would eat two of the aliens, have sex with two more, then ask them if they still want to take me.

70. Do you say "I love you" in the relationship?
Does swinging from tree branches by your own intestines while bellowing random movie titles count as an expression of love?

71. Close your eyes for a moment, who pops into your head?

72. How many hobbies do you have
Just that one thing I do when I think no one is looking.

73. Do you feel comfortable showing PDA in pubic?
Pubic Dandruff Aversion? Why would I be ashamed to display that?

74. What attracts you most?
To pies? The flavor. To women? Well... also the flavor.

75. do you plan in advance
Like many people, I will not plan the circumstances by which I end up married, but will devote a great deal of energy to plotting my divorce.

76. who do you count on when feeling down
I find that angry nuns can often raise my spirits. Ah, those sexy, sexy nuns.

77. Why are you taking this interview?
I was promised cookies.

78. left handed or right handed?
I often favor my fifth tentacle.

79. beach or mountain?
To the south is the beach-- sometimes forested, sometimes not. To the north are the mountains-- fulsome and grandiose, with a deep valley between them.

80. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
An unreal situation cannot produce real counterfactuals. The answer is... Old Spice.

81. What is your favorite color?

82. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The Great Cosmic Sphincter begat them both.

83. Do you believe a good life is attainable? or is it something that is out of our control ie subject to luck etc.
I believe a good WIFE is attainable, but her husband might not appreciate that.

84. Are you fed up of all these questions?
Am I fed up WITH misused prepositions?

85. Riding horses or riding dolphins?
Kicking horses and licking dolphins.

86. Performing Arts, Fine Arts, or Sports?
Performing farts, fine farts, and spurts.

87. What religion did you choose to follow?
My religion is based on fondue neuchateloise, a sublime combination of Gruyere and Emmenthaler. They died for our sins, you know.

88. What is your dream job?
Harpooning opera singers.

89. City or the suburbs?
Whichever area permits luaus and orgies.

90. Favorite hot drink?
What could be better than the warm, jellied guts of a live tarantula?

91. Sour or sweet candy?
I like candy that vibrates.

92. Chocolate or other candy?
The new Godiva 10W40 racing chocolate goes down well with a hot mug of Tabasco.

93. How many kids (or any at all) would you want to have?
Well, how many am I allowed to eat in one sitting?

94. Are you in love?
No, but I am in mildly intrigued.

95. Whats your favorite sport?
Thong twanging. Neert nuh-nuh neert-neert-neert! Hold still, woman!

96. Desktop or Laptop?
Deskdog or lapdog? If you can train deskdogs not to crap on keyboards, then deskdogs, I guess.

97. What language would you like to speak fluently?
The meaning-saturated throat-clearing of Ganymedian scrotopods.

98. Whats the First Thing You Notice In A Boy/Girl?
The odor of their brains.

99. Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt?
I have spliced them together to create Arm Pitt, a Scientologist with a man-crush on George Clooney.

100. Favorite Rapper
A Vietnamese rap legend named Phuoc Mai Ding.

101. How many people are in your family?
We lost track after the 70,000th larva.

102. What is your natural hair color?

103. If you could time travel, what would be your first stop?
The 18th birthday party of Anne Hathaway.

104. What is the name of your truest friend???
Tilforg, the demon who inhabits my right atrium.

105. If you were one word, what word would you be?

106. If you were on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition; what kind of room would you ask for?
Do you think that dude and his team of volunteers could build a full-scale functioning replica of Isengard in a week? Little use in shouting MOVE THAT BUS, eh?

107. Coke or Pepsi?
Have you ever heard of someone doing lines of PEPSI? Get outta my face.

108. What sort of character would you play in a comic book (hero, humorous sidekick, villian, that abrasive newspaper guy, etc.)
I would be a villain called Bad Diarrhea. Guess what my main weapon would be. You got it: belches! But belches that smelled like diarrhea, you see.

109. What colour are your eyes?
Since my eyes are multifaceted like those of a fly, I suppose they could be all sorts of colors.

110. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Remind me: which group lacked the effeminate, druggy Brits?

111. Is this boring?
Not to worry: I can always pass the time by counting my testicles. 1...2...3...4...5...6...

112. Do you believe in heaven and hell?
After we die, there is only a great whirlpool of chocolate mousse. With fangs.

113. if you were one of the seven dwarfs, who would you be?
Shizzle. Or Stankass. Or maybe Yoshimoto, the samurai dwarf.

114. What are your "comfy clothes"?
The skin of Tommy Lee Jones.

115. What kind of car do you drive?
A 1959 Plymouth Asshole. Talk about gas mileage!

116. Do you have any piercings/tatoos?
Thirty studs on my tongue, sixty on my upper lip, a tat of the right eye of Jabba the Hutt on my left buttock, and a shovel through my penis.

117. If you could pick anyone dead or alive to have lunch with, who would it be?
George Lucas. After I shot him.

118. Winter or summer?
The season announced by barking cats, dogs that run backwards, and parrots that grunt as if they were straining on a toilet.

119. Do you believe in ghosts?
Ghosts used to exist, but they were all eaten by Bill Clinton.

120. Do you like to bake/cook?
I bake a mean 230-grain Magnum loaf.

121. Do you drink coffee?
No. But I never say no to a mug of blended ferrets.

122. what do you think they eat in heaven?
Angry centipedes vomited skyward by the tormented souls in hell.

123. Orlando bloom or Johnny depp?
Remind me: which of those two is NOT the hollow-cheeked, effeminate one?

124. What is your favorite grocery store?
A superstore called Fucking Huge.

125. What would you do if this interview is never ending?
I would have little choice but to continue answering questions even while pooping and making love. I can already do the latter two things simultaneously, so no prob.

126. Do you like thunderstorms?
Ah, yes... the lashing rain, the harsh wind, the lightning repeatedly striking my balls, the resultant supermagnetic babies...

127. Favorite perfume?
If tonight is miniskirt night, almost definitely a high-end Chanel. A few dabs on my hairy chest and the women swoon.

128. What is the meaning of life?
If the opportunity presents itself to make love to a farm animal, do it. Otherwise, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been.

129. If you look at the color blue, what does it make you think of?
The color green.

130. do you currently like anyone?
Well, you caught me on Misanthropy Day, so I currently like no one. Ask me again tomorrow.

131. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Not that it matters. I wear a Fremen stillsuit, so all the excrement just recycles. I rarely think about what I drink anymore.

132. Biggest turnoff in the oppisite sex?
Inability to spell simple words. Oh, and armpit hair.

133. how many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I never use bulbs thanks to my innate bioluminescence.

134. Do you sometimes wish you were a porn star?
Wish? Back when I lived in Switzerland, I WAS a porn star! I did all those Star Wars homages, like Wetsaber Vol. 1-3, and Green Midget Ecstasy.

If you sensed a bit of contempt for the questions, you wouldn't be far wrong. I'm the guy who ruins photos by making Satan faces. I already hate Facebook and have little use for the online "memes" that get passed around, so it's only natural that, when someone asks me to choose between "A" or "B," I pick "Q."

Many thanks to Elisson, who just gave me his seal of approval after reading my answers.