electrify all surfaces or cover in acid

When there are no consequences for stupidity, stupidity will continue.

Literally pic.twitter.com/mYkNzJI8hW

— Giga Based Dad (@GigaBasedDad) March 26, 2026

another quiz done and ready

The quiz for Verb Tenses, Part 1 (Simple/Compound Tenses + Affirmative, Negative, Interrogative) is now up. Try it out and contact me if you see any problems.

Sample question with correct answers and reasoning:

Question 2

The conditional-past tense

is also called the conditional perfect.can be seen in a sentence like Would she have driven so fast had she seen the curve?uses would have + participle.is visible in the sentence Marcel will have finished his painting by next week.

REASONING: The question is asking about the conditional-past tense, so you obviously have to know what that is. The conditional tense uses the modal auxiliary would + the bare infinitive. So I would go is in the conditional tense. The conditional-past tense uses would have + participle. So I wouldn't have done that is in the conditional-past tense, a tense used for a hypothetical/unreal/alternative past.

1st possible answer: Yes. For completed actions where the helping verb is some form of have, this can also be called a type of perfect tense.

2nd possible answer: Yes. You can see Would... have driven, which fits the formula for the conditional-past tense, which, as mentioned above, is used for a hypothetical or unreal or alternative past.

3rd possible answer: Yes, as explained above.

4th possible answer: No. The will have + participle tense is the future perfect, used for a completed action in the future. This is a form of future tense. Example: By next Friday, we will have destroyed 30,000 of Hillary's files.

NB: Why do I put so much emphasis on terminology? The terminology is important because it becomes a shorthand for the already-explained grammar point, thus saving me the need to re-explain the same grammar point repeatedly. It also allows me to stack knowledge upon knowledge, which is fine as long as the student is actually studying and internalizing the terms in question as we move through the curriculum. If the student makes no effort to remember any of these terms, it's going to become increasingly hard for him/her to keep up with later lessons, and as the terms accumulate, future lessons will become a lot more information-dense. So if you're a learner, my advice to you is: Keep up! And don't ever become mentally lazy. There's a reason why sloth is a mortal sin in Catholicism.

the cellar rat, le scélérat

Got-damn-a-Bama!

This video about one way to prep Alabama barbecue chicken reminded me of Joe McPherson's awesome but short-lived resto. 

Man, I wish that place had succeeded. Hard to believe that our visit happened ten years ago. That place is still fresh in my memory as one of the best-ever Western-style eating experiences I've ever had, and it still feels as if it had happened yesterday.

Babish ranks chocolate

Lindt Lindor truffles will almost always be #1 for me. There are better chocolates out there that can make me forget my love of Lindt, but those chocolates are few and far between.

indecision

Imagine you're thoroughly washing your bum when you look at your hand and see a chili flake from the keto pizza you'd eaten over the weekend. What's your reaction at that point? Is it, "Well, hello, there!" or "Aaaaaaagggghhhh!!"?

got it where it counts, kid

with martial arts, you can kick some ass

Man Judo Flips a Donkey pic.twitter.com/qfFRgzp3Mi

— BEST CLIPS ON X 🎥 (@BestClipOnX) April 4, 2026

just puttin' this out there

I’m in love with this sentence:

“The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth he can accept about himself without running away.”

— Reads with Ravi (@readswithravi) March 27, 2026

assholes and bleached assholes

Admit it: My title is apropos given the thumbnail.

keto pizza, Day 2

Second day of eating the best keto pizza I've ever made. Three slices yesterday, three slices today. I made it even better by carefully sawing the crust in half, thus making it half as thick as before. Of course, I didn't waste the slices of "bread" I'd taken off each piece of pizza: I whipped up a tiny batch of my Middle Eastern-inspired spiced oil—the one I use for everything from Moroccan-inspired chicken to beef-lamb gyros/shawarma.

Today's experiment proves that, the next time I make this pizza, the only thing I need to change is the thickness of the "dough." And I'll do that by using the method I'd described: I'll glop the "dough" onto parchment paper, put another sheet of parchment paper on top, then roll the "dough" out paper-thin, cut it down to size if need be, place it in my baking tray, and bake that puppy most of the way to doneness. The baking will ensure that the parchment paper peels away fairly easily. I'll then load the pizza up the way I did this time, bake the pizza the rest of the way, and voilà.

This was, otherwise, a meat-and-shroom pizza. Ingredients were as follows:

crust "dough"
arrabbiata sauce (I like it because it's a little spicy)
pepperoni (real pepperoni, not the nasty Korean analogue)
salsiccia (Italian sausage, made locally)
button mushrooms
oyster mushrooms
low-moisture mozzarella
regular mozzarella
Parmigiano reggiano

chili flakes (garnish)
parmesan (garnish, shitty green bottle)

Mushrooms were cooked down with a mixture of butter and olive oil for the fat. At the beginning of cooking, I added salt and pepper. Once the shrooms had been cooked down, and much of the water from the shrooms had evaporated, I added the powdered garlic at the end to prevent burning. The salsiccia was already herbed and seasoned right out of the package; the pepperoni already had its own character. I didn't fancy up the cheese with any extra herbs and seasonings, and I think that helped: this was a case of less is more.

The crust recipe can be found here. When you mix everything together, the baking powder begins reacting immediately, so if you want your dough to rise at all, you can't wait too long. Based on what I discovered, though, a rise is not the most desirable thing: in reality, you want the dough to be thin. When baked, the crust will not behave like a regular wheat-flour crust, i.e., it will probably break apart if you try to lift it, so I hate to say it, but you're going to have to fork-and-knife your pizza. Prepare to pull a De Blasio/Bloomberg and to offend the entire city of New York by eating your 'zza with cutlery.

same pizza as yesterday, but with a thinner crust

Using that keto-baguette recipe turned out to be a great idea. Today's pizza was even better than yesterday's. And the "toast" I created from the cut-away crust was also delicious. Man, I love that Middle Eastern-ish spice/seasoning combo. What a great lunch.

So I now have viable keto recipes for both hamburgers and pizza. And the "carnivore"-bun recipe can apparently also be used to make hot-dog buns. Well, we'll see about that.

"Disney never gave us this stuff"

And there's an interesting discussion of "AI slop" and whether this slop has any value. Based on the video quality, I'd say animators still have a long way to go, but massive progress in AI-driven animation has happened just over the past year. And progress tends to be exponential.

I'll second that

"Cooking only sucks if you're a lazy little fuck."

beef short-rib lasagna

questions that only D&Ders can appreciate

Here's some D&D-nerd stuff for you.

I could feel my brain slowly expanding, pushing against my skull as I kept listening to this.

dat's naysty

job ads are coming back

Dave's ESL Café's Job Boards page just put up its first university ad in a while, but it's for doctoral-level research fellows. Despite looking up what exactly a "research fellow" does, I'm still not sure what "research," these days, might involve. I can only imagine that the word means different things in different fields. Scientific research, for example, could involve lab experimentation, observation, surveys, and other empirical forms of data collection. In my field of religious studies, it could involve many trips to the library or to official/prominent storehouses of ancient documents or to religiously significant sites. As with science, it could also involve data collection in the form of surveys and interviews. Anyway, that ad probably isn't aiming for someone like me since I don't have a Ph.D. in anything. But if this ad is the first drop of water in what will become a torrent over the next month, then a man can hope.

Hanyang YK Intercollege - Now Hiring Special Researchers

Recruitment Notice for

Doctoral-level Research Fellows at the
Hanyang Intercollege Advanced Practice Support Center

Hanyang Intercollege, which operates the School of General Studies at Hanyang University Seoul Campus, is recruiting research fellows to support the operation of the integrated foundational curriculum and the development of educational content.

1. Recruitment Overview

• Position: Full-time Research Fellow
• Number of openings: Several doctoral-level positions
• Common requirement: All duties are carried out in English

2. Positions and Responsibilities

Position	Preferred field	Main courses and duties
Liberal Arts Research Fellow	Literature, Philosophy, History, Education, Anthropology, Liberal Arts	Course: Global Critical Anthropology, Life Project, Global Research Immersion • Interdisciplinary Content: Developing activities for critical thinking and global awareness • Facilitation: Leading discussion-based workshops • TA Management: Coordinating teaching assistants and learning environments

3. Qualifications

• Holder of a doctoral degree in a related field
• High proficiency in English (able to teach and communicate in English)
• Capability and interest in educational content development and student tutoring

4. Working Conditions

• Contract period: 1 year (extendable up to 6 years for doctoral-level fellows, based on evaluations)
• Working hours: Mon–Fri, 08:30–17:30 (shortened hours during vacations)
• Salary: In accordance with Hanyang University regulations
• Expected start date: Early May 2026 (negotiable)
• Note: Teaching opportunities may be available with extra allowance

5. Screening Process

• 1st round: Document screening
• 2nd round: Interview (individually notified)
• Final results: Notified individually after interviews

6. Required Documents

• Curriculum Vitae (English, free format)
• Statement of Purpose / Cover Letter (English, free format)
• Other documents proving experience (optional)
• Copy of Alien Registration Card (for foreign nationals in Korea)

It's kind of a relief to see a university ad that doesn't require apostilled documents from the US—stuff like one's criminal record, college/grad-school transcripts, etc.

Anyway, since I lack a doctorate in anything, I guess I'll keep looking.

the curve (bump?) in the road ahead

A more personal Veritasium than usual:

Star Wars Theory and another AI Star Wars creation

l'horloge

 

And all without powers of π or i.

ADDENDUM: On the thread where I found this image, a lot of people were commenting that 2.2 + 3 = 5.3, not 7. And many of the replies were that "2.2" was probably meant to be 2•2, i.e., 2 times 2. And as we all know thanks to PEMDAS, 2 × 2 + 3 = 7.

In case you were also wondering. And this is likely a European clock: In many Euro countries, the comma is the decimal, and the point is the comma, so what we Yanks would write as 3,720.1 would be written by some European countries (like France) as 3.720,1. So in the "9" place, it says 10,28 - 1.28, which in Amurrican is 10.28 - 1.28 = 9.

"Year of the Retard" (2025 retrospective)

rare to see this guy treat anyone with respect

keto pizza!

Lunch was keto pizza. I made a sheet-pan pizza using that keto-baguette recipe, and the crust turned out heavy but perfectly edible. I've got enough for tomorrow as well, so I guess I know what I'll be eating for Sunday lunch.

There wasn't much to be proud of here. The keto-bread recipe wasn't my invention. The sauce was a bottled arrabbiata from my downstairs grocery. The sausage was that Korean-made salsiccia that I like—manufactured in Hanam City, right next door to Seoul and a 26K walk away. The pepperoni (different brand but still legit) was a brand I found on Coupang. The cheeses I used (two types of mozzarella and one type of Parmigiano reggiano) were also grocery-store purchases. The dusted parmesan and red-chili flakes were purchased, too. All I did was shred the cheese and put the pizza ingredients together.

Result: delicious pizza. Only one problem: even though I spread the "dough" thinly in the sheet pan, the crust still ended up being thick. I think I know the way around that the next time I try making this pizza: I'll slap the dough between two sheets of parchment paper, then roll the dough extremely thinly, then bake the dough while it's still inside the parchment paper so that the paper is easy to remove when the crust comes out of the oven. I think I can make the crust about half as thick as it was today. That said, today's crust wasn't bad at all. Sure, it was on the heavy side, but that's often how I learn: through my mistakes. 

Next time will be better. Enjoy the photo essay.

crust, baked, with sauce now added

a closer look at the crust (to which I'd added Everything Bagel seasoning plus oregano)

more cheese (mozz "pearls"), pepperoni, sausage, and shrooms added

Do you put your shrooms on fresh, or do you cook them first? Not cooking your veggies first means their water will render during the pizza bake, and you'll end up with a soggy pizza. I guess one way around that, with mushrooms, is to slice them very thinly, then scatter them sparingly onto the pizza. Or overbake the pizza to make the rendered water evaporate, a tactic that risks burning or drying out your crust.

There were two types of mozz plus Parmigiano reggiano. Low-moisture mozzarella went down over the sauce first, then pepperoni, then those "pearls" of regular mozzarella, then the salsiccia and the shrooms (a combination of oyster and button mushrooms).

For the record, I cooked the shrooms in a mixture of butter and olive oil. I added salt and pepper at the beginning of the cook, and when the shrooms had shrunk toward the end, I added the garlic powder. The smell was extraordinary.

I did most of my prep work for this pizza slowly, over the course of last week. Cooked the sausage on Wednesday. Cooked the shrooms Thursday night. Shredded the cheese early this morning. Everything else came together quickly today.

I almost forgot to add the Parm as the final layer of cheese on top.

I baked the whole thing on low heat for 15 minutes, then blasted the top with my broiler for five minutes.

Come to think of it, I should have used the broiler for at least 7 minutes. More Maillard.

I slid the whole thing onto my large cutting board so I didn't have to use silicone tools to cut the pizza.

Looks pretty damn good from that angle.

a corner piece on my plate

seen from more directly above

a look at the crust's crumb—heavy but good

This is a "bread" recipe that I trust, at least in terms of taste if not texture. In terms of texture, the recipe is awesome right when the bread comes out of the oven, but the moment the bread starts to cool down, it gets heavy and dense. Next time, I'll make a thin-crust pizza.

Snack: Parmigiano rind, microwaved for 30 seconds, then cooled. Crunchy and chewy.

dusted with parmesan and chili flakes

Trivia: parmesan refers to the faux, shitty cheese that Americans know comes in a green, plastic bottle—the cheese we sprinkle indiscriminately on everything. The only cheese that can be labeled as Parmigiano reggiano must come from the Parma region of Italy. This notion of government-controlled naming (appellation contrôlée in French) is important to ensure the authenticity of things like meat, cheese, wine, and other food products. It's a quick and easy way to know whether something is real and/or official.

In all, I'd give today's effort a B+. Pretty good, but there's room for improvement.

lovely time-lapse video of the earth's rotation

This is amazing. I mean, sure—I've seen videos like this before, but this one is just as captivating as the others. Absolutely gorgeous.

a kindred spirit

There are, in fact, people out there who value linguistic competence. Like this guy. 

Excerpt:

Do we say “the jury was deadlocked” or “the jury were deadlocked”? Do we say “one pant leg was ripped” or “one pants leg was ripped”?

I realize that some of you—hopefully most of you—do already know this stuff, maybe not in technical terms, but you know it. Even so, I’ll bet that most of you will find something in here that you were not aware of. My goal is to make you all better writers, and sometimes a little review doesn’t hurt. It might point out a mistake you weren’t aware you were making.

As an editor, I find myself hypercritical of advertisements on TV, radio, on signs, and ad copy in general. One has to wonder about the competence of the copy editors at some of these ad agencies when we do see blatant mistakes. For small companies, it’s possible that someone in the company wrote the ad rather than paying an outside agency. Granted, typos and grammar errors probably won’t affect our decision to purchase from a car dealer or to hire a contractor, but if the advertisement is for something where spelling and grammar matter, then that calls into question the quality of the work we’re considering paying for.

It doesn’t make a good impression if an author’s website is laden with spelling and grammatical errors. Even if the author uses an editor for his or her writing, the website should also be reasonably free of errors. I admit that I make errors on my blog, usually caused by rushing to finish the blog. Since I’m also an editor, I should really be more careful.

On the other hand, if the website is for a publishing professional selling services to authors, glaring grammatical and spelling errors will leave a poor impression. 

(emphasis added)

What he said.

Apocalypto: the History Buffs takedown

That Rogan-Gibson interview was just to get you in the mindset for this.

konjac noodles: I cannot abide them

What a waste. I'm throwing out the rest of my konjac noodles. Despite using the boil-then-fry method to try to improve the noodles' taste and texture, I hated eating them even with a little spaghetti sauce. And since I refuse to foist this "food" on anyone else, out the noodles go.

when your correction isn't correct

So much of what I do revolves around the idea that poor self-expression sucks out any wit, dignity, or legitimacy from whatever it is you're trying to say. That's my entire campaign, hopeless as it is. Supposedly clever memes are undermined by misspellings, bad grammar, and poor punctuation. Folksy stories and anecdotes are deprived of dignity because a person has no mastery of tense control and subject-verb agreement, no knowledge of what a clause is and what the clause-related rules are. Official pronouncements from high office are undermined by childish over-capitalization and inappropriately coarse, obtuse language.

Worst of all are the people who swoop in to correct this garbage but make their own mistakes in doing so. I was just emailed an example. Here's the background: Melania Trump gave a speech. She got criticized by one dumb pundit named Tim Miller (not the film director), who wrote his tweet in exceedingly poor English. But when someone then swooped in to correct Miller's English, that would-be hero fucked up in his correction. Here's the relevant tweet:

I hate to break this to you, asshole, but your English sucks. What's your excuse? pic.twitter.com/xKoOQu2nmn

— Grateful Calvin (@shoveitjack) April 9, 2026

According to most style manuals, you don't capitalize titles like first lady, president, sergeant, mom, etc. unless they're in front of a name or replacing the name.

WRONG: Where's the President?
RIGHT: Where's the president? (no name, so no capital)

WRONG: I heard your Mom was in an accident.
RIGHT: I heard your mom was in an accident. (no name, so no capital)

WRONG: We need to speak with sergeant Montgomery.
RIGHT: We need to speak with Sergeant Montgomery. (capitalize in front of name)

WRONG: Show president Smith your evidence.
RIGHT: Show President Smith your evidence. (capitalize in front of name)

WRONG: You'd better tell dad.
RIGHT: You'd better tell Dad. (replacing a name)

Admittedly, there's some debate about whether first lady should always be capitalized. But most sources suggest the common-sense rule I articulated above: Don't capitalize titles unless they're in front of a name or replacing the name.

My correspondent suggested that the larger point was: Don't criticize someone's English if your own English is worse. I responded that the larger point is undermined when the "correction" is also wrong. Don't trip over your own dick in your haste to correct someone else. And yes, I'm self-aware enough to know I should take this advice, too. 

The point is: We all should. Hold yourself to a higher standard. Don't be a lazy fucking slob who mentally litters. Clean up your own goddamn mess.

the hard truth, but there's hope

Saying the things that Whitey is too PC to say.

not true, but still funny

 

gimme some o' dat ass

Yeah, baby. Daddy like.

Joe and Mel

Of course, Apocalypto was riddled with inaccuracies despite Mel's ranks of "professors." Which is par for the course with any Gibson-made and/or Gibson-starring film about "history." Think: The Patriot. Think: Braveheart. Etc., etc.

if it's gun versus vehicle, I'm betting on the vehicle

Nice Photoshopped smoke, there, Scott. Looks like something I'd make.

let me walk you through a recent quiz

How to think your way through one of my quizzes! 

Step one: it helps to become a paying subscriber to my Substack so that you've got the lesson under your belt before you attempt the quiz. Anyway, the quizzes themselves are interactive and free—open to the public, so you don't need to become a subscriber to take the quizzes. The following is taken from my most recent quiz, Verbs: Part 9.

__________

Question 1

Which sentences, if any, show a past event before another past event/era?

I was quietly cleaning my guns when the robbers unwisely broke in.Back in 1860, American society had been moving toward civil war.Before your aunt suddenly ran out on us, she had left me a note for you.Your future achievements will vindicate all of your mom’s past hopes for you.

REASONING: In the relevant lesson (which has the same title as the quiz), you learn that the past-perfect tense is used for past events before other past events.

Remember:

present-perfect tense: I have done it. (past tense, with helping verb in the present tense)
past-perfect tense: I had done it. (helping verb is in the past tense)

A perfect tense means the action is completed.

First possible answer: No. I was quietly cleaning my guns is an ongoing, background action in the past. [T]he robbers unwisely broke in is a sudden action, also in the past, that happens while the background action is still occurring, i.e., at the same time. This is therefore not a past action before another past action.

Second possible answer: Yes. Before 1860 refers to a bygone era. American society had been moving toward civil war is a past occurrence before 1860. Past perfect is justified. The American Civil War officially started in 1861.

Third possible answer: Yes. Past action: ...aunt suddenly ran out on us. Past action before that past action: ...she had left me a note for you. Past perfect is justified.

Fourth possible answer: No. Your future achievements will is a reference to the future. The phrase all of your mom's past hopes is not a past action before another past action.

Question 2

Which, if any, are examples of the future-continuous tense?

I’ll be seeing you soon, Highlander!She’s betting on her boyfriend to win.We’re going to win the prize after we behead them all, Tricia!They’ll know who’s winning the moment the teams come around the bend.

REASONING: When you hear future continuous, you should be on the lookout for a future marker like will or won't. You should also be looking out for the continuous marker -ing. Where do you see both of those markers for an action that takes time in the future?

First possible answer: Yes. The verb will be seeing has all the marks of the future-continuous tense (a.k.a. the future progressive).

Second possible answer: No. She is betting is the present continuous tense, not the future-continuous tense.

Third possible answer: No. We're going to win is the near-future or intentional tense (see this reference, #3). Don't be fooled by the -ing in going. There's no will or won't there, nothing to indicate the future. True, the phrase we behead is the grammatical present tense even though the after means the beheading is a future action. Despite that, there's no indication of a future action that takes time.

Fourth possible answer: No. They'll know is the future simple (or the simple future). The phrase the teams come around is, grammatically, the simple present but refers to a future action. Using some form of the present tense to talk about the future is a thing we do in English (We're going to England next year before it disappears—understood to be a future action), but that's a whole 'nuther discussion.

Question 3

The turkey was pronouncing doom upon the family. We killed it and ate it. We will have killed five talking turkeys by next year.
What verb aspects do you see above (and in the correct order)?

progressive, simple, simple, perfectsimple, perfect, progressive, simpleperfect, simple, simple, progressiveprogressive, perfect, simple, simple

REASONING: The aspect of a verb = simple, progressive, or perfect (and sometimes conditional). A simple aspect basically means that the action occurred, is occurring, or will occur in the time frame of the verb tense. Use the progressive aspect when the action takes time. Use the perfect aspect when the action is completed. This is a minor point, but use the conditional (would) for hypothetical, imagined, or fanciful futures (or as I put it in the lesson: hypothetical, conditional, or volitional).

Special note: The present-perfect tense (You've grown!) indicates a completed action that still has a connection with or relevance to the present. Saying "You grew!" is different from saying "You've grown!" In the second case, the speaker is comparing your past size to your current size. In the first case, the speaker is merely stating a fact.

simple past (or past simple): He ate her brain.
simple present: He eats brains.
simple future: He will eat her brain.

past progressive (or continuous): He was eating her brain.
present progressive: He is eating her brain.
future progressive: He will be eating her brain.

past perfect: He had eaten her brain.
present perfect: He has eaten her brain.
future perfect: He will have eaten her brain.

Okay, let's discuss the answers to this question.

First possible answer: Yes. The first verb, was pronouncing, is in a progressive tense. The next two verbs, killed and ate, are in the simple-past tense (also called the preterite). The verb will have killed is in a perfect tense—specifically, the future perfect.

Second possible answer: No. As explained above.

Third possible answer: No. As explained above.

Fourth possible answer: No. As explained above.

Question 4

Next week, we _____ solved the mystery of the Möbius panty hose.

wouldn’t havewill havewill have beenwon’t have

REASONING: The phrase Next week clues you in to the fact that this sentence refers to a future action or state of affairs. The participle solved probably indicates a completed action. So—a future completed action has to be in the future-perfect tense.

First possible answer: No. The verb wouldn't have solved is in the conditional past.

Second possible answer: Yes. The verb will have solved is in the future perfect.

Third possible answer: No. The auxiliary will have been would require a participle ending in -ing—will have been solving. Progressive, not perfect. Besides, the sentence says solved.

Fourth possible answer: Yes. This is, like the second answer, the future-perfect tense.

Question 5

Which, if any, are definitely—not possibly—dimensions of a verb?

person (first, second, third person)mood (indicative, interrogative, subjunctive)aspect (simple, perfect, progressive, conditional)number and tense (singular/plural; past, present, future)

REASONING: My lesson discusses the four standard dimensions of a verb: person, number, tense, and aspect. I mention a possible fifth dimension, mood, but give reasons for why it's probably not one of the dimensions of a verb: Grammatical mood normally takes into account the tone and tenor of the whole sentence, not just the verb(s).

First possible answer: Yes. Explicitly mentioned as a standard dimension of a verb.

Second possible answer: No. As discussed above.

Third possible answer: Yes. Explicitly mentioned as a standard dimension of a verb.

Fourth possible answer: Yes. Explicitly mentioned as a standard dimension of a verb.

__________

And that, friends, is how you reason your way through one of my quizzes. You might have your own way of doing things, and that's fine. I'm pretty libertarian about methods: As long as you're not eating anyone's brain, your method is probably fine.