Monday, December 12, 2011

the GOP debates in a nutshell

MICHELE BACHMANN: It hurts when people confuse me with Zooey Deschanel.

RICK PERRY: You're not Katy Perry.

BACHMANN: Oh, God-- it's happened again. Who am I today?

PERRY: I've got a question: anyone seen my third testicle? It's around here somewhere. I just can't... seem to remember where I put it...

RICK SANTORUM: You don't have a third testicle, Rick. As for me, I'm just happy that there are enough homophobic people out there to keep my candidacy even vaguely plausible.

NEWT GINGRICH: Your testicle rolled next to my shoe, Rick. I just crushed it.

SANTORUM: What? I don't have a third testicle!

GINGRICH: The other Rick, moron.

SANTORUM: Watch who you call moron, Mr. Serial Spouse.

BACHMANN: Ooh! I like cereal.

RON PAUL: If I were president, I'd urge Congress to create laws ending all violence to cereal. It's bad foreign policy.

SANTORUM: Hey, Ron! Great to see you! Wait-- you're in this debate?

PAUL: And now, if I may quote a line from "Batman Returns"...

BACHMANN: I wish Tim Burton were still directing those Batmans.

PAUL: "I'd like to fill her void!"

MITT ROMNEY: Don't you think that was out of line, Ron?

GINGRICH: Your crushed testicle is beginning to stink, Rick.

SANTORUM: Goddammit, I said I don't have a third testicle!

PAUL: What? I wasn't talking about Michele; I was referring to that pretty one over there (indicates Santorum; leers).

PERRY: There's blood on my slacks! Holy shit, I did lose a testicle!

GINGRICH: Ron, Rick Santorum isn't a woman.

PAUL: She's not? Then why these manly urges whenever I look at her?

BACHMANN: I had a sophisticated wireless communication network installed in my nipples. With a simple mental command, I can launch missiles at any threat, communicate with Scooby Doo and the dead, and instantly create nipple's-eye-view YouTube videos.

GINGRICH: Is anyone planning to say anything of substance, or are we all just marking time until I'm crowned the nominee?

BACHMANN: Smile, Newt! You're on Candid Ca--

GINGRICH: RAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!! (runs over and bites off nipples)

BACHMANN: Oh, dear. That was uncalled-for.

GINGRICH (chewing pensively): Tastes like chicken.

ROMNEY: Rick, I happen to have a neuticle in my pocket. Here-- see if you can slip it inside your scrote.

PERRY: Thanks, Mitt. (takes neuticle, reaches into pants) Wait a damn minute... there's only one other testicle in there!

PAUL (distantly): Why these manly urges, then? Why?


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