ululate!

The legendary martial artist Chuck Norris, proficient in several Korean martial arts and a smattering of non-Korean combat systems, has died at the age of 86. At this writing, no cause of death has been given, but Norris's family announced that Norris had been "recently hospitalized." My understanding was that he seemed quite healthy and was still working out. I had seen purportedly recent video of Norris engaged in a sparring workout at some gym. Norris was a quiet conservative, a mediocre but not-bad actor, and the subject of an ever-growing roster of jokes that, in the spirit of tall tales, exaggerated his abilities to almost godlike proportions. I suppose I should end this in memoriam with a list of some of those bits of humor. Norris himself got a kick(!) out of lot of these:

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
2. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
3. When Chuck Norris slices onions, the onions cry.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity—twice.
5. When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
7. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
8. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out so he gets the pleasure.
9. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
10. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

11. Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.

12. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

13. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

14. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

15. When God said, “Let there be LIGHT!”, Chuck Norris said, “Say please.”

16. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

17. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

18. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

19. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

20. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the earth down.

21. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.

22. Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

23. When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

24. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

25. Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.

26. Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.

27. The flu has to get Chuck Norris shots every year.

28. The Dead Sea was alive before Chuck Norris swam there.

29. Chuck Norris doesn’t fill out online forms because he doesn’t submit.

30. Chuck Norris starred in Star Wars. He was the force.

31. Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare he only eats unicorns.

32. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

34. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

35. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

36. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

37. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

38. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

39. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

40. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, it’s beef.

41. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold.

42. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.

43. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

44. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

45. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

46. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

48. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

49. MC Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

50. Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

51. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

52. A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

53. Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.

54. Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.

55. The Great Wall of China was created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

56. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

57. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

58. Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.

59. Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

60. Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

61. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

63. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person who could fly.

64. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

65. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

66. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following too close behind him. It now stands back a safe 30 feet.

67. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

68. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is too scared to grow.

69. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

70. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

71. Chuck Norris once made a Happy Meal cry.

72. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.

73. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

74. Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of fire.

75. When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

76. Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with his eyes closed.

77. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in just three moves.

78. Chuck Norris can lick a 9-volt battery and not get shocked.

79. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

80. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A-plus for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

I remember Norris got a "Chuckle" when reading a version of this one aloud:

Chuck Norris was bitten by a rattlesnake... after five days of pain and suffering, the rattlesnake died.