Friday, December 09, 2005

they must all die

I want an air rifle.

I want an air rifle because I'm sick of the new Christmas fad: inflatable lawn ornaments. Who thought this shit up? I'm imagining some asshole in marketing going, "Dude, there's gotta be something even lamer than icicle lights!"*

One neighbor, just down the street from where I live, has literally filled his front yard with giant inflatable snowmen, reindeer, and Santa. Thank Jeebus he doesn't have an inflatable crèche, but I wouldn't be surprised if one suddenly appeared on his lawn.

This neighbor isn't alone, either: other neighbors' yards are sporting these monstrosities. Perhaps they're fun for kids, but I can't for the life of me think of a good reason for any rational adult to buy such things for himself.

Nothing would give me more pleasure than to drive through my neighborhood, gleefully gunning these ornaments down. I realize this might put me on Bill's shit list (he recently wrote a post about cowardly behavior: see here), but I tend to view ornament shooting as a cross between a public service and euthanasia: the neighbors, once de-ornamented, will snap out of their stupor and never buy such crap again, and the ornaments themselves will doubtless appreciate being put out of their freakish misery.

I need to take some pics and slap them on the blog. These things really are a sight. If you happen to have some on your lawn right now, do me a favor and quietly remove them, then visit your nearest church or temple, beg your deity for forgiveness, and perform the strictest, bloodiest penitential regime your religion allows.

The only loophole: you're doing it for your kids or for a very retarded or marginally sane family member. If no one in your family qualifies as young, retarded, or insane, then Christ, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Screw your head on straight and recover your sense of dignity, man!

*Icicle lights aren't bad when seen in moderation, but when every-fucking-body in the neighborhood decides to buy them, well... they suck. Long, hard, and desperately.


1 comment:

Jason said...

Am I the only one sensing a wee bit of reverse culture shock here lately?

They have one of those big inflatable snow globe fuckers at the Giant in Clarendon. Who the hell would buy one of those for $120?