Commas, Part 3

My friend John McCrarey—veteran distance walker, dog owner, and dedicated drinker of San Miguel Light—seems to think he's actually improved in his use of commas, but I suspect the Dunning-Kruger Effect is at work in his mind. From where I stand, my previous two posts on commas have produced no significant change in the quality of his punctuation, and as I've said in a general way before, I suspect the problem is that John still hasn't made the effort to internalize what clauses are, how to find them in sentences, and how to distinguish them from each other. Were he to do these three things, he'd be on his way to true mastery.

Today's post is Part 3 of a 12-part series on commas (12 parts for the moment, but the series might grow). Before we tackle today's topic, though, let's do a quick review of Parts 1 and 2. Part 1 was about introductory expressions and separating independent clauses. Some examples of commas with introductory expressions:

Around forty years ago, my very first pube appeared.
Later today, we shall dine on candied dog balls.
Despite her stoic demeanor, Sister Catherine looked ridiculous naked.
Unfortunately for you, time is a glory hole, not a flat circle.

As for separating independent clauses, use a comma plus a coordinating conjunction from the FANBOYS list (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so):

Sister Catherine stared hungrily at the cactus, for she was horny.
Bruce had a degree in philosophy, and he was perpetually constipated.
Tulsi isn't particularly sane on immigration, nor is she a fan of the Second Amendment.

90% of John's difficulties would be resolved if only he could internalize Part 1!

Part 2 was about separating clauses in complex sentences (independent + dependent clause). Remember that you use a comma only when the dependent clause comes first. If it comes last, then there's no comma.

If you flick my scrote again, I'll shove my foot up your ass and kick out your teeth.
Because the weather was looking dodgy, the farm-animal orgy was canceled.
You're going to lose an eye if you keep staring at me while I'm pissing.
They fucked until their parts looked as shredded as sea anemones dipped in red paint.

Anyway, on to Part 3.

Today, the topic is comma splices. A comma splice is a mistake in which a person uses a comma when he should be using a semicolon to separate two independent clauses. Again, it's important to know what clauses are and to understand the two different types of clauses covered thus far: independent and dependent (or subordinate) clauses. You'll recall that an independent clause stands alone because it expresses a complete thought. A dependent clause cannot stand alone; it depends on something else to form a complete thought.

A semicolon separates two independent clauses. DO NOT use it with dependent clauses.

WRONG: If you build it; they will come all over you.
("if" clause = dependent clause introduced by subordinating conjunction "if")
RIGHT: If you build it, they will come all over you.

And here's your comma splice:

WRONG: Sir Wendell was beat, it had been a long day of prisoner-flaying. (splice!)
RIGHT: Sir Wendell was beat; it had been a long day of prisoner-flaying.

See how that works? In another post, I noted that famed author George RR Martin is notoriously bad when it comes to comma splices. If you're in Dunning-Kruger mode (i.e., being bad while thinking you're good), you'll comfort yourself by saying, "Well, at least I'm in lofty company." That's not the path to self-improvement, though, so learn to flay and excoriate yourself when you make mistakes. Try actually caring about the quality of your written output. As a teacher, I need to see evidence of care. If this means pausing every third word because you're now afraid to make any mistakes, well, good! That's precisely the level of care you need in order to improve. Most of us are fucking lazy, though, so we don't ratchet up our level of care; we can't be bothered to pursue perfection. Real improvement comes through effort: mental effort, in this case. Per ardua ad astra: through effort to the stars.

Let me recycle just one of Martin's many, many comma splices:

Khal Drogo has a thousand horses, tonight he looks for a different sort of mount.

Properly punctuated:

Khal Drogo has a thousand horses; tonight, he looks for a different sort of mount.

Famed Harry Potter author JK Rowling is just as bad when it comes to comma splices. Let me steal some snatches of text from this fine blog post at Nitpicker's Nook, which agrees with my assessment of Rowling. First, the poorly punctuated text:

Nobody in my family’s magic at all, it was ever such a surprise when I got my letter, but I was ever so pleased, of course, I mean, it’s the very best school of witchcraft there is, I’ve heard—I’ve learned all our course books by heart, of course, I just hope it will be enough—I’m Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you?

And here's the rewrite (which I approve):

Nobody in my family’s magic at all, so it was ever such a surprise when I got my letter. I was ever so pleased, of course; I mean, it’s the very best school of witchcraft there is, I’ve heard. I’ve learned all our course books by heart, of course, but I just hope it will be enough. I’m Hermione Granger, by the way; who are you?

Much, much better.* As the above-linked post's author, Katie May, points out, there are several fixes for comma splices, so as you see in the above corrected text, you're not confined to using semicolons. Break clauses/sentences up with periods if you want; use a comma-conjunction to link clauses if you want. You have several options.

So the moral of the story is: avoid comma splices. Use semicolons properly (study this 2014 post on semicolons to learn more about them), and don't replace your semicolons with commas. And now, it's time for some exercises.

QUIZ 1
Comma splice or not? Read the following sentences and decide, then check your answers by highlighting the invisible text between the brackets below.

1. We pray to the god Plerfuss, he grants us clairvoyant buttocks.
2. I'd eat your pussy for another hour, but I have to say Mass in ten minutes.
3. The day Miracle Matt hit puberty, stock prices went through the roof.
4. A man rules outside the house, a woman rules inside her mind.
5. If you think you have it hard, you should imagine what it's like to be Neil Diamond.

[ANSWERS: (1) comma splice; (2) no splice; (3) no splice; (4) comma splice; (5) no splice]

QUIZ 2
Punctuate the following sentences correctly. Use commas and/or semicolons. Other corrections may be possible, but stick with commas and semicolons.

1. Claire liked driving over her husband it gave her such a sense of power.
2. Unless you're reliving your teen years there's no reason to sport your boner so publicly.
3. In two hours the bomb will explode so you can say goodbye to Fluffy the butt-gerbil.
4. One dick in your mouth means you're a whore two dicks mean you're just hungry.
5. Harry was staring at Hermione's chest when he blurted out the Engorgio spell.

[ANSWERS:
1. Claire liked driving over her husband; it gave her such a sense of power.
2. Unless you're reliving your teen years, there's no reason to sport your boner so publicly.
3. In two hours, the bomb will explode, so you can say goodbye to Fluffy the butt-gerbil.
4. One dick in your mouth means you're a whore; two dicks mean you're just hungry.
5. Harry was staring at Hermione's chest when he blurted out the Engorgio spell.]

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*If this excerpt were the only example of bad punctuation in Rowling's books, you might argue that she meant to write a run-on sentence to indicate Hermione Granger's breathless nerdiness when she first meets Harry and Ron. But once you read the series and come to understand the true number of these gaffes, you'll think otherwise.