Tuesday, December 21, 2010

promising first lines for novels

1. A science fiction novel, Revenge of the Barfeloid Maidens of Planet Raw:

When Gunnar ben Dominico awoke from the operation, he had three penises, all of differing lengths, widths, textures, and colors.

2. A romance novel, Passion in the Linen Closet:

With Goofy's head sitting beside her on the bench and his body still surrounding her in the changing room, Sarah Kingsley blinked sweat out of her eyes and watched the strapping new guy, the new Mickey, as he changed into his costume, donning his Mickey head so smoothly and gracefully that Sarah, quite taken by surprise, found herself swept away by a wave of unbridled lust.

3. A noir novel, Bullets in Buttock Town:

The rain came down hard, muffling the city's cries as effectively and ruthlessly as an old crone's sagging breasts clapped cruelly over my ears, promising no quarter, no mercy, and three guaranteed orgasms for twenty-five bucks.

4. A self-conscious, pretentious literary effort, The Rooster Unsucked:

Gerald froze, a witty riposte stillborn on his tobacco-crusted lips; perfectly, theistically aware of the room's every drip, creak, and sigh, he stared into his accuser's green eyes while his hand, seemingly of its own accord, slipped into his right pocket and fondled the thong-- her thong, O yes-- that he had acquired the previous night in a haze of drunken promises, outright lies, and suspiciously tasty vomit.