Tuesday, February 11, 2014


Actress Shirley Temple Black, formerly Shirley Temple, has died of natural causes at the age of 85. Her cousins were Regulus and Sirius Black, both of whom were killed by magical means while fighting the forces of darkness.

"She was an amazing woman," said an obviously moved Harry Potter.

Some newspapers have crassly referred to Black's passing as "the Shirley Temple Black Death." Thousands of pubs, taverns, and bars have been serving free Shirley Temples in the actress's honor. Black gained fame as a child actress; at school her favorite professor was Horace Slughorn, who claims to have taught almost the entire Black family, except for Sirius. Along with being an accomplished actress, Black was a formidable Quidditch player who flew as a Beater with the second-tier Middlesex Maggots, striking such fear into her opponents that she earned the moniker "Carrion Crowe."

Actor Benedict Cumberbatch claims Black as one of his Quidditch idols. Cumberbatch, whose lithe form destined him to be a Seeker while he perfected his skills at both Hogwarts and the Royal Shakespeare Company, says he has long admired Black's vicious playing style. "On the pitch, she was legendary—an absolute madwoman, a bone-breaker," Cumberbatch said. On having an American woman as part of an English Quidditch team, Cumberbatch laughed and quipped, "I wish they all could be California girls!"

Black is survived by Kraken, her pet tarantula.


1 comment:

Elisson said...

Rumor has it that she was found with a syringe filled with grenadine and 7up.