court case pending, I'm sure

But I bet this was fun while it lasted. Fun for the driver, I mean.

Watch this retard realise she is a retard in real time 😆 pic.twitter.com/Y139FcMts6

— R3tards Down Under (@r3tarddownunder) April 16, 2026

etiology of a failure

Have they leared any lessons since?

Sookdae wrote earlier today

Sookmyung Women's University wrote me earlier today to say they still couldn't find my employment records, and they asked me to provide them with more information about my time there. I gave them my alien-registration information, which they already have, and I gave them specific dates for my time employed at Sookmyung, which I managed to find on my blog: April 2005 to April 2008. Back then, I called my place of employment "Smoo" based on the letters SMU for "Sookmyung University." Little did I know that smoo is Aussie slang for "vagina." Kind of apropos, I guess, given that this is a women's university. 

I also gave the requesting office a short list of some of my coworkers, only a few of whose first and last names I remembered (and I can't remember our department head's name). I have no idea whether it'll occur to them to use those names to help triangulate the location of my records. Depending on whatever murky system they've been using to maintain their records, the names might not be any help at all, or, as I said, it might not even occur to them to try triangulating. Anyway, that's about all I can give them, so we'll see what reply I get.

Fingers and tentacles crossed.

I still need to give a holler to my Daegu Catholic U. contact—my former boss there. He got his Ph.D. years ago, so he might not even be at DCU any longer.

UPDATE: I sent an email to two contacts at Daegu Catholic U. If I get all three university certificates of employment, I'll have covered all of my university time in Korea, plus my Golden Goose time for the past decade.

Sookmyung: 2005-2008

[went home, tried to walk across the US; Mom got brain cancer; I got work from 2010 to 2011 (ETS TOEFL essay rater), then work from 2011 to 2013 ("YB" tutoring in Centreville)]

Daegu Catholic: 2013–2014
Dongguk: 2014–2015
Golden Goose: 2015–2025

If any uni expects me to go back to my long-ago employment in the States (and during my 90s-era hagweon "career"), they can suck it.

Kinko's was useless

Damn you, Georgetown.

I trundled over to the Samsung Kinko's, only to discover that my Georgetown University diploma was too big to be scanned all at once. The Georgetown diploma is huge, written in Latin, with a blue-and-gray ribbon in one corner; it's screaming to be proudly framed. I don't much like the idea of framing my diplomas, which is one reason why no frame for either of my diplomas exists. The Catholic U. diploma, by contrast, could be scanned; it's much smaller and used to be kept in its own folding leather cover. But like my GU diploma, the CUA (Catholic University of America, in DC) diploma now ignobly resides inside a plastic shipping tube, where it's been slumbering, curled up, for years.

So I'm sending the originals to the apostille service tomorrow. Since I already have my own self-done scans of my diplomas, I'll make do with those scans to create diploma PDFs for first-round applications. My own scanner is fairly tiny (not much bigger than legal-sized US paper), so the edges of each scan look strangely off-colored because that's where the outside light came in. But I made sure to make four scans of each document, rotated 90º each time, so I ought to be able to splice them together carefully into single wholes—one PDF for GU and one for CUA. I'm chafing that I have to spend money on physically shipping my diplomas, but I'm pretty sure the apostille service will detect the spliced nature of my scans and reject my documents. So it's better to send the originals. In other news...

After fasting for several days, I was feeling faint while standing out in the hot sun today, and while I normally try not to eat the day before a hospital visit, I just had myself two cans of tuna with mayo, plus slices of Edam cheese and some Welch's Grape Zero. I expect there to be an insulin/blood-sugar response despite the lack of sugar; pretty much anything will spike your insulin when ingested. Here's hoping my numbers aren't too bad tomorrow morning. Oh—as for breaking my fast, the hospital requires that I fast only eight hours before a blood draw, so really, I need to stop eating before 11 p.m. tonight. As it is, though, I'm supposed to give two blood samples tomorrow: a fresh one the moment I step into the hospital at 7 a.m., then another one an hour after eating something (I usually get a salad from the hospital cafe/kiosk, plus water or apple juice). The doctors never comment on the results of the second blood draw, but I guess they're checking to see how far down my blood sugar goes an hour after eating. If the blood-sugar level descends too slowly, that says something bad about my insulin sensitivity/resistance. FYI: Insulin sensitivity is good; insulin resistance is bad.

personally relevant

From what I understand, at least three people saved my life the day of my heart attack in 2024: (1) a store staffer, (2) a retired doctor who just happened to be on scene, and (3) the trauma team. That's probably why my chest was so bruised. I'm lucky no one cracked any of my ribs. Maybe my bones are built to last. Unlike my heart, apparently.

the Cordon Bleu encounter

I forgot to mention in yesterday's write-up that, as I was leaving Sookmyung Women's University, I stepped into an elevator with a few people from the Cordon Bleu, which apparently still exists—in the same place—inside the uni's Social Education Building. I addressed one cheffy-looking Korean guy in French, remarking, "Wow, the Cordon Bleu still exists!" He answered with a vague "Oui" and left it at that. Probing further, I said in French that I used to teach in this building twenty years earlier. No real answer. So I switched to Korean, and the guy lit up as I re-explained that I used to be a teacher in this building, and that I knew some of the chefs who had worked here back then. I asked whether Jean-Pierre and Laurent were still there, and he said yes. Wow. Jean-Pierre, who was already old back in the day, must be ancient by now. I'll have to visit the Cordon Bleu kitchens again at some point. Jean-Pierre would often gift me with a freshly made baguette even though I'd done nothing to earn it. French hospitality.

the need for company

nouvelle découverte

There's this popular apostille service called Monument Visa. They're not cheap, but they say on their website that, instead of sending my original diplomas to be apostilled, I can send high-quality scans. So I'll be hitting up the local Kinko's to have some 300-dpi scans made of both of my diplomas (they'll be stored on one of my thumb drives).

I thought about just going to my old place of work, two subway stops away (next to Daechi Station), and doing the scans myself on the office photocopier, which doubles as a scanner. That would be easier, and it would also be free. In the end, though, I think the local Kinko's is the better option because the scans will be done by pros, and I want to minimize the chance that my scans will be rejected.

So I'll be visiting Kinko's a bit after lunch (there's a branch up the street near Samsung Station) to get my two diplomas scanned (Georgetown and Catholic U.), then I'll come back with my scans and go through the process of uploading the scan data and ordering the apostilles from Monument Visa.

Later on, when I get my FBI background check, I'll have to get that apostilled, too. The total cost for all three documents will be close to $300. Good God.

Meantime, I asked the concierge in my building about what I would need to do to be able to put up an ad for private English tutoring in my building. It appears I'll have to visit the building's 4th-floor admin office to get permission; I can't just slap an ad up on the lobby bulletin board. I wonder if there will be a fee; how long the ad stays up probably depends on how much time I pay for.

Everything costs something.

evolution

the sound of silence

Despite my own quiet life, my head is filled with useless, irrelevant noise. Thank you, internet.

UNUSUAL🚨: Scientists discover that silence regenerates the brain─ being in complete silence for at least 2 hours a day can stimulate the creation of new brain cells, especially in regions linked to memory and learning. pic.twitter.com/LvxS5LnZpl

— All day Astronomy (@forallcurious) April 15, 2026

Sam does Nashville hot dogs

Is it hotdog or hot dog? Dictionary.com contends that hot dog (noun) is for the food, but hotdog or hot-dog (to show off) is the verb. Hotdog/hot-dog can also be a noun, but only if it's referring to the person showing off. Make sense? Hot-dog can be an adjective, too, as in hot-dog stand. Keep all of that straight, then.

I'm eating hot dogs.
He's hotdoggin' on his skis. For the ladies.
She's hot-doggin' on the half-pipe.
He's a real hotdog.
She's a real hot-dog.
We'll meet at Bruce's hot-dog stand later, okay?

a tale of two campuses (and a post office)

I'm starting this entry at 5:27 p.m., back after a long day of visiting the post office, taking the subway to Dongguk University, then subwaying over to Sookmyung Women's University (where I taught from 2005 to 2008, and where my mother went to school)—all in search of certificates of employment (경력증명서/gyeong ryeok jeungmyeong-seo).

Some shots from the long and walking-heavy trip:

Dongguk University's main building (bon gwan/본관), where all your wishes are granted

The Buddha's birthday is coming up (5/24), and Dongguk (lit., "Eastern Land/Country") is a Buddhist university.

This is backwards when seen from below. The visible syllable, 법/beop, means "dharma" in Korean Buddhism.

Otherwise, in regular speech, 법/beop just means "law" or even "method."

The famous Buddha statue that got graffiti'ed by Christians (or ostensible Christians) years ago.

Koreans call Shakyamuni "Seokgameoni/석가머니."

The sign right next to the statue advertises the upcoming birthday. Note the pink lotus.

This sentiment strikes me as more apropos for Christians than for Buddhists.

As far as I know, Buddhism doesn't have a loving-devotional (bhakti) strain like the one found in many strains of Hinduism (bhakti-yoga). As a result, the above is just weird to me. The Buddha actually spent a lot of time trying to get people not to focus on him but on the praxis he'd been preaching. There is no "I am the way, the truth, and the life" in Buddhism, with the founder enjoining people to focus on him.

I remember this housing for a big ol' Buddhist bell. I'd forgotten about the steep hill. I walked up that today.

a slightly better shot of the bell

The lanterns advertise the Buddha's birthday.

In relaxed language, people toss around Buddha and Christ as if they were proper names, but they're actually titles: It's the Buddha and the Christ. The Buddha's proper name was Siddhartha Gautama Shakyamuni. You know those idiots who name their pets with titles? "Come here, General!" Yeah, those idiots. Don't be like them. Treat titles as titles. That said, I reserve the right to say Christ! in disgust, exasperation, or shock.

walking back downhill after getting my certificate from the main building, Shilla Hotel across the way

stairs up to the campus temple

But the sign on the gate doesn't use the literal character for temple, which is sa/寺/사; the final character (read right to left) says weon/院, which could be translated as "temple" in certain contexts. It can also mean a house or a garden, among other things. In fact, read from right to left (and displayed here from left to right, the sign says 正覺院/정각원/jeong gak weon, so maybe it's something like "Temple of Correct Enlightenment." Anyway, the massive number of lanterns should clue you in that this leads to a temple or some sort of holy ground.

a closer look at the lanterns and the sign

Moving on to Sookmyung's campus, five subway stops away...

Sookmyung's face has changed radically

a shot of the Admin Building, where I started my search for a needed document

I was told to go to the Student Center, Room 305

The first thing I did today was visit the local post office to send off my fingerprints to the FBI's center in West Virginia. I told the postal staffer to send the package via EMS, which cost me around W25,000 (just to send six sheets of A4 paper in an envelope). The procedure for sending something via EMS keeps fucking changing. This time around, the staffer led me through a complicated registration process on my phone, and I still don't think it required me to sign up as a member or anything, which means that, when I go back tomorrow to send off my diplomas, I'm going to have to do this shit all over again. I kept a blandly patient look on my face the whole time, though; I'm not normally one of those cranky people who lose their temper when they're made to wait. Eventually, the process was finished after a lot of back-and-forth, so I walked over to Daecheong Station and went to Dongguk University, which is on Line 3; it was a straight shot. Not too crowded on the Line 3 subway at 1 p.m., either.

Dongguk University. I remembered the exit to campus was #6; luckily, there was an escalator out of the station, then another escalator to take you up the steep hill to the campus. That was, alas, all the mechanical help I got: In trying to find the main building, I ended up climbing many more hills and stairs; I'd conveniently (or inconveniently) forgotten how hilly the Seoul campus of Dongguk was. I did eventually find the main building, and several other campus buildings looked familiar to me. In passing through one building, I saw a machine that purported to dispense certificates, but it was being worked on, and the guy working on it was the one who told me to try the main building.

At the main building, I found the very quiet office where two or three female staffers and one much older male staffer were all working. Since I'd been speaking Korean with everyone I'd encountered on my way to the main building, I continued to do so this time, not pulling the same stunt I'd pulled at the police station the other day. The young ladies proved friendly and helpful; they even laughed at some of my remarks as if I'd been joking (which I kind of was); maybe they were giggling at my Korean, but one told me I spoke really well (which is actually something that even foreigners who don't speak Korean will hear when they simply say "hello" in Korean). The staffers were very accommodating; they asked me whether I wanted the certificate of employment in English or in Korean, so I opted for Korean. They also said they had another page specifying which courses I had taught from 2014 to 2015. One awkward thing, though, was that during my time at Dongguk, I taught at the Seoul campus during my first semester, then at the Goyang City campus (waaaaay at the end of Line 3 and much closer to North Korea) during my second semester there, which means I had to move to a temporary residence in Goyang (a region that overlaps with Ilsan). So the ladies gave me the option of receiving two certificates, one for each semester, or just getting one. I opted for the single page plus the extra page showing what courses I had taught, i.e., two pages total, not three. They stuffed everything into an envelope after I'd checked all of the information, and that was that. Luckily, the walk back to the subway station was entirely downhill.

I then trundled over to Sookmyung Women's University, where I had taught English conversation, reading, and even French (extracurricularly*) from 2005 to 2008. Getting out of the subway station meant hitting Exit 10, which I remembered. I did forget that there was a short tunnel to walk through, and the gentle uphill climb wasn't helping my heart any. Back in 2005, twenty-one years ago, that gentle climb was nothing. A stroke and a heart attack and two decades later, and I ended up pausing for breath after making it to the campus gates. I was thoroughly winded.

Sookmyung has two pairs of "front gates" because the campus is evenly divided by the street that bifurcates it. The older side of the campus used to be called the Gangbuk ("north of the river") side; the other, newer side of the campus used to be called the Gangnam ("south of the river") side, reflecting the idea that Seoul's older, less trendy districts are north of the river while the livelier, trendier areas are all south of the river (not entirely true these days, but true enough). I knew the admin building was on the Gangbuk side, so I went there, huffing and puffing up the final inclines and steps.

I found what appeared to be the office I needed, but after a long time, this much quieter, less friendly, more subdued staff wasn't able to find my records. That might not be surprising given that departments change names and locations over the course of two decades. In the end, that staff had to admit defeat, and they sent me to the student center across the way to try again. Long story short: The student center also had trouble digging up my records, but they thought they'd found a lead when they called the building where I used to teach, the Social Education Building. So I was told to go visit that building, Room 205.

Room 205 is approximately where my department's (Lingua Express) old office used to be, but the guts of the building had been changed to the point of unfamiliarity. Still, I found 205 (another quiet office) and spoke with a lone staffer who had a constantly apologetic look on her face. In the end, she couldn't dig my records up, either, and according to her, the staffer who could help wasn't there at the moment, so she said that, when that staffer came back, they'd find my record and email me the requested employment certificate. 

I do hope there's no fuckup with the dates or anything. When I got the employment certificate for my most recent job (the Golden Goose in Daechi-dong), the team name was wrong ("Vietnam R&D"??), and so were my dates of employment, so I had to contact the office to ask them to correct the information. To their credit, they made the changes with little fuss, so I came away happy. Sookmyung's document had better be mistake-free.

Upshot: I now have certificates of employment in hand for the Golden Goose and for Dongguk University. I assume I'll be receiving a certificate from Sookmyung (I think there's still a chance that I might not), and I have to check on how the hell I'm going to get a certificate from Daegu Catholic University, where I worked from 2013 to 2014. There's someone that I can write to to ask about how to obtain a certificate from DCU.

Anyway, Dongguk was a good experience today; Sookmyung was so-so. No one at Sookmyung was unfriendly, but all of the staffers seemed a bit quieter and less helpful, and my time at Sookdae (the school's nickname) felt like a wild goose chase. I hope I do get a certificate within a week. We'll see.

It was shocking to see how much both campuses have changed over the years. Dongguk is in the middle of some huge construction project that is altering the shape of the steep hillside that leads up to the campus. Sookdae, meanwhile, isn't constructing anything right now, but many of the spaces that used to be open are now taken up by new structures that include Starbucks and other obnoxious vanguards of corporatism. The shops on the street leading up to Sookdae have all changed as well; I no longer know what's what anymore. Dongguk's basic configuration seems about the same, but there have been subtle and gross changes on campus, and I've forgotten many of the easy paths to get from here to there. One thing I do miss about Dongguk is the vegetarian cafeteria, where I often used to eat lunch, and which offered enough good dishes (it was a buffet at the time) for me not to miss meat. I'm a confirmed carnivore, but I'm really not against going off the path now and again to eat like a Buddhist (and keep in mind that Buddhist meals aren't always necessarily vegan per se, but they are generally vegetarian with some exceptions).

Because I was tired after all of those hills (and the pre-summer heat), I took a cab home. The cabbie was an old guy who talked on and on; I understood maybe half of what he was saying. He talked about how Korea is a rich country where people live well compared to places like Indonesia, where life—according to him—is very difficult. He talked about foreigner-heavy spots like Itaewon, and for several minutes, he concentrated on large, fat Western women, with their broad shoulders and huge asses (he emphasized their body shape with grandiose gestures when we were in slow traffic between Samgakji and Itaewon). Toward the end of my ride, he talked about how he tends to follow the GPS navigation's suggested route instead of going his own way ("I know better routes!") because some customers get angry if he plots the route and doesn't follow it. He said this to justify why we were currently caught in traffic. Overall, a friendly guy, but he didn't ask me any questions—he simply prattled on endlessly. Which was fine by me, frankly. I like it when people don't take any real interest in me.

Okay... I got a lot done today. The day wasn't entirely satisfactory given my failure to come away with a certificate from Sookmyung, but it was Good Enough.

Oh, and while I was writing this, I got a notice from the hospital about Friday's appointment.

More soon.

__________

*I recall that the actual French department had gotten angry when they found out I had my own extracurricular French-conversation club going. Their feeling was that only the French department should be conducting French-language activities, one of many examples of how Sookmyung failed to be collegial during my time there, instead opting to be pettily competitive. Most of the French professors at the time were Koreans who could barely speak French, something I found out from some of my students who were French majors. Those students told me that a typical lecture involved the professor talking about something like French poetry for 90 minutes—all in Korean.

When I took Georgetown University's placement test to see where I would start out as a French major (my 5 on the French AP test wasn't enough for GU; they had to test me as well), I finished the placement test 30 minutes before the second person to finish (yes, I hung around to see who would come out next and when), and I placed into junior-year French, which meant no language labs or any of that basic shit. So from the beginning, all of my classes were taught 100% in French. GU didn't have the 24/7 immersion culture that Middlebury College did, but being exposed to the target language so intensively every weekday was nevertheless beneficial. I had to wonder what these "professors" at Sookmyung had done to get their jobs. Sat around with their thumbs up their asses?

are you looking forward to Dune 3?

clever girl

yes—solved in 20 seconds

Easy: It's a power tower. You have to start from the right side, so:

4⁰ = 1 

 then 

 4¹ = 4 

 then 

 √4 = 4^1/2 

 so 

 (4^1/2)⁴ = 4² 

—which equals 16.

QED.

paperwork and other things

A package of pens and a package of A4 mailing envelopes arrived today. I'm sticking my fingerprint documents into an envelope and sending it to the FBI via EMS (Express Mail Service). Then, I'm heading out to Sookmyung and Dongguk Universities to see if I can get copies of my 경력증명서 (gyeong ryeok jeungmyeong-seo, certificate of employment). Depending on how that goes, I'm heading back to my place to finalize the sending of my diplomas to the US apostille service, then shipping the diplomas out either later today or sometime tomorrow. 

Even though the act of mailing all of these things out doesn't resolve anything, it's still going to feel like a relief: Everything, at that point, will be up to the mail gods and to whatever the FBI thinks of the quality of my fingerprint documents (I was repeatedly warned, at the police station, that I might have to go through the whole fingerprinting process again if the documents are rejected).

With the diplomas, I'm hoping just to get them back with the apostilles. With the fingerprint docs, I'm ideally going to have an FBI background check sent to me, then I have to send the background check back to the US to get apostilled. Weeks and weeks of waiting. And how many job ads will appear during that time?

I talked to my ex-boss yesterday about giving me a letter of recommendation, so that ought to be coming my way soon. An ex-coworker already gave me his (very nice) recommendation. It's all coming together, slowly but surely.

Oh, yeah—I need to get a health check and health report as well. That's going to mean a trip to the local doc for a standard checkup.

Speaking of health: My regular hospital appointment is this Friday.

ADDENDUM: I got notified that my sealed Georgetown University transcript is on the way.

all that beef coming at you

the burden of choice

An interesting philosophical point being made here, and known by every parent, is that the power of choice is not the same power over the course of your life. Like everything else in your existence, it can be cultivated and made to flourish; it can also be stunted, twisted, and perverted. Furthermore, parents know that, when we're young, we have the power to choose, but we lack the knowledge and wisdom to make good choices. If we make poor choices starting early in life, this will lead to a habit of making poor choices later on—a habit that can stay with us for the rest of our lives. We can become comfortable making poor choices, and those poor choices can eventually seem desirable, leaving us wallowing in our own shit. If you have good parents, they'll teach you to choose well, and you'll form good habits of mind early. Most of us, however, have imperfect parents, so the life-lessons we learn tend to be muddled at best. If you're a lazy relativist, you'll challenge all of this by demanding to know what "good" means. It means whatever is conducive to happiness for you and for those around you, your mental/physical health, and your moral fiber, i.e., your ability to tell right from wrong and to live according to that discernment which, over time, ideally ought to coalesce into a set of principles that you can then pass down to the next generation. Wisdom should build on wisdom. Unfortunately, we live in a world where the unwise too easily breed before their unwisdom eventually removes them from the gene pool.

We're asking kids to handle things most adults can't pic.twitter.com/UPDT1oqY8x

— internet hall of fame (@InternetH0F) April 16, 2026

another rebirth for my Substack

Re-renamed! And in keeping with my sense of humor. Some of the renaming will be disappointing. Feel free to suggest better names/titles. But before you start suggesting things, do go back to see what I've already considered.

Main Substack name: 
BigHominid's Swollen, Dangling Modifier (& Other Awfulness)

Section 1 (formerly "The Superficial"): Bad Online English
Section 2 (formerly "The Profound"): Grammar Growl
Section 3 (formerly "The Creative"): Creative Stuff
Section 4 (formerly "The Entertaining"): Games, Puzzles, Etc.

So things are now named what they are—no more abstract naming, therefore less confusion. I was also happy to see that, once the sections were renamed, all of my posts' labels got renamed automatically. Whew. Changing those labels manually would've been a bitch. I still need to check whether the intra-Substack links that I've left in many of my posts have also been altered (when I changed the above titles, I also changed the URLs for each section).

The new overall Substack title now indicates a smorgasbord but with a focus on the grammatical aspects of language (Swollen, Dangling Modifier). The new section title Grammar Growl now conveys focus (grammar) and an implied goal (growl = my disapproval = your eventual improvement).

I hope this is at least marginally better. The people spoke; I heeded them.

YouTube and authenticity

documents, documents, documents

The number of documents needed to apply for a university job keeps on multiplying. My first-ever uni job at Sookmyung Women's University's unigweon (university hagweon) didn't require so much paperasse. Now, though, just to get through the first round of university job application, you have to have the following, all nicely bundled, in many cases, as a single, multi-page PDF (with the pages in order, no less):

1. your résumé (yes, I accent résumé the French way)
2. a selfie
3. your old school transcripts (undergrad & grad)
4. a copy of your passport (2 pages)
5. a copy of your alien-residence card (2 sides)
6. scanned copies of your diplomas (undergrad & grad)
7. copies of letters of recommendation
8. copies of your certificates of employment (경력증명서, all jobs)
9. a copy of a recent "health report"
10. a copy of a local and/or FBI criminal background check

I think a lot of this is in response to the bad reputation that many foreign English "teachers" have had over the years. Koreans aren't stupid: They can often suss out who knows what they're doing, and when a teacher, in talking about grammar, says something vague and dodgy like That sounds strange or That's awkward or That's not natural English or We just don't talk that way or That's not how we organize essays instead of providing actual reasons not to write or speak a certain way, that's a red flag. Get enough ersatz foreign "teachers" acting that way, speaking that vaguely, and the collective reputation of those teachers goes down. And really, EFL teachers' prestige has never been high.

At the university level, I think, schools are doing their best to screen out the duds. At first, universities started requiring Master's degrees in any subject. These days, many universities are stricter and require either a Master's in a relevant subject (some branch of linguistics) or an internationally recognized certification (CELTA, etc.). I should probably take the short CELTA course and get a CELTA certification; as things stand, all I have is a note on my undergrad transcript saying that I did go through the certification program to become a foreign-language teacher (for French).

I think the above list covers what you need for the initial round of hiring. But that's only the first round. If you make it into the next round, universities start requiring originals and "official" versions of certain documents:

1. original school transcripts in sealed envelopes
2. original, apostilled diplomas (no longer enough to have just the diploma)
3. an apostilled criminal background check

So I'm scrambling to get a pile of documents together for the first round of applications. Thus far, I'm not seeing any university opportunities appropriate to my location (Seoul). I can't really afford to move to another city or even to another location in Seoul: Doing so means losing my W10 million rental deposit. But within Seoul, I'm willing to commute far even if it's inconvenient to do so. And the wave of job ads is coming.

Unfortunately, I'm far from having all of my shit together. Official, sealed transcripts are on the way. I'm sending my diplomas off to be apostilled tomorrow, and I'm sending the FBI my fingerprints so I can get a background check done. When I get my FBI background check (either snail-mailed or as an official PDF... probably snail-mailed), I'll get that apostilled as well. Everything is working on a different timetable, which is frustrating and a little confusing. I got my first employment certificate today from my most recent company (the Golden Goose); that actually took some back-and-forth with the company's main office and my boss; the first certificate they'd sent me had the wrong team/department name on it as well as the wrong employment dates. But when I pointed this out (with confirmation by my ex-boss), the main office gamely rewrote the information au juste and sent it to me, so that's fine. As for my other employment certificates... there's ostensibly a way to get them online, but from what I see, the campus websites are an unusable mess. I've seen that some unis, like Sookmyung, have automatic machines on campus where you can punch in (some sort of) personal information and get the desired certificate. We'll see whether I can do that by physically visiting these campuses. I'm not looking forward to Dongguk, which sits on a large hill and requires a bit of huffing and puffing to reach. And the weather's not getting any cooler.

So for first-round documents, if we did this as a checklist, I have:

✓ résumé
✓ a selfie
✓ scans of school transcripts (undergrad & grad)
✓ a copy of my passport (2 pages)
✓ a copy of my alien-residence card (2 sides)

✓ scanned copies of my diplomas (undergrad & grad)

☐ copies of letters of recommendation (working on it)

☐ copies of certificates of employment (I have one so far)

☐ a copy of a recent "health report" (coming soon)

☐ a copy of a local and/or FBI criminal background check (coming in a few weeks)

I have one letter of recommendation and one certificate of employment. I need to re-ask my ex-boss for the other letter of recommendation. I'll try to get two more certificates of employment tomorrow. If I have time, I'll visit my local doc for a "health report." I'm mailing off my diplomas to be apostilled tomorrow and also mailing off my fingerprints to get the FBI criminal background check. All of this is going to take weeks, and I fear I'm going to be missing a lot of opportunities.

Some commenters suggested just submitting whatever I have on hand, but many unis—again, in the spirit of strictness—now say they will automatically disqualify any application package that comes in incomplete and/or out of order (many colleges now specify the order in which to assemble your multi-page PDF). I can totally understand that: It makes going through a pile of applications a lot easier when you know you can just throw some away outright.

No lack of shit to do.

Oh, yeah—second-round rigamarole includes teaching a sample lesson.

how legit is chiro?

I've been to chiropractors before, but I see so much online about how they're not legitimate.

the next step in evolution

I was skeptical, but now I’m completely convinced. Fencing will become super popular due to this one very particular improvement to the sport.

“Sword tip visualization” It’s going to debut at the summer olympics.

Every single duel will look like a bloody lightsaber fight pic.twitter.com/DKfszrtP35

— Linus ✦ Ekenstam (@LinusEkenstam) April 19, 2026

Not quite a lightsaber fight, but still nifty. Now, if only we could get our brave tweeter to punctuate and capitalize correctly...

official, sealed transcripts are on the way

While I have scanned copies of my transcripts dating back to the mists of prehistory, most universities will want sealed copies of transcripts for the second round of hiring. I ordered those a few days ago from a service called Parchment, and I just got an announcement that the Catholic U. transcript is on the way. Georgetown (undergrad) should be along shortly.

children's camp?

Dave's ESL Cafe has a new job ad up—just one. While it looks tempting, it's still children's camp for eight days, and there are a few off-putting stipulations.

1. Live a "healthy lifestyle." They specify that this means no drinking and no smoking, but I have to wonder if that includes a component of athleticism, which I in my current fallen state do not possess and, really, never have possessed. I can't be involved in heart-pumping games of running and jumping.
2. Be working somewhere else. It's not enough to have an "F" visa: You have to be employed elsewhere as well. I don't think that includes us freelancers.
3. The camp dates are from July 26 to August 2, some the worst days of summer, and quite possibly rainy as well (monsoon season).

The pay looks great for only eight days, but I believe I'll pass. To paraphrase Kirk from Star Trek II, this is a game for the young. And healthy.

my problem is so much worse

 

Or try this...

hitting the mental "pause" button

When they call your name in a work meeting and you weren't listening. pic.twitter.com/DcpWdvqkD8

— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) April 16, 2026

dodging a bullet

Well, I just did some AI research on the hagweon I might have ended up at. Here's what the AI god said (with the hagweon's name redacted):

Based on numerous online reports, Xxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx in Korea is widely regarded as a bad or high-risk hagwon for foreign instructors. It is frequently listed on blacklists, with reports of a toxic work environment, excessive admin work, high turnover, poor management support, and a punitive training period where you may have to pay to leave if you "fail". [1, 2, 3]

Key Findings on Xxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx:

• Reputation & Reviews: Negative reviews are common, specifically criticizing the Daechi and Seocho branches for poor management and a "cut-throat" atmosphere. [1, 2]
• Work Environment: The environment is often described as high-pressure, with reported micromanagement, high turnover rates, and minimal breaks, sometimes leading to 12-hour workdays. [1, 2]
• Working Conditions: Teachers frequently cite high workloads involving heavy administrative duties (report cards, photo uploads) in addition to teaching. Some reports indicate that management prioritizes profit over employee well-being. [1, 2]
• Contract & Training: The contract often includes a "training" period. Several reports indicate that if you do not pass this initial training, you may be sent back home at your own expense. [1, 2]
• Branch Variations: While all are considered to have high turnover, some reviews suggest the atmosphere can vary slightly by location (e.g., some reports of the Bundang branch being slightly better than Seocho). [1, 2, 3]

Note: While some branches may differ, the overall consensus in online teacher forums is to approach this institution with extreme caution or avoid it entirely. Always ask to speak with a current, non-management teacher before signing a contract.

Whoa. This sounds like an avoid at all costs kind of place. So I guess I'm back to applying to universities and looking for private-tutoring gigs. And I suppose I will be sending my fingerprints to the US FBI and sending my other documents to be apostilled. 

I have a few other documents I need to gather. I've asked two former associates to write me letters of recommendation, and I need to obtain certificates of employment from all of the universities where I've worked (Sookmyung, Daegu Catholic, Dongguk).

the risks people take to get clicks

spitballing Substack-title ideas

I'm focusing on having "grammar" explicitly in the new Substack title and alliterative if possible. I'm also tilting more toward notions of carping, complaining, grumbling, and growling to reflect the bitter old fart I am. That would fit the tone of the Bad Online English newsletters. The ones I like more than average are highlighted.

Grandpa’s Grammar Gripes (I really liked this at first)
Grammar Gramps (Grammar Cramps?)
Grammar—Graceful and Gruesome (captures the highs/lows of the language I employ)
Grandiloquent Grammar (too pretentious)
Grammar’s Gristle and Other Things (one of the few titles acknowledging I do other stuff)
Grammar Without Gravitas (hmmm...)
Grammar Grief (this captures my desolation)
Grammar Without Grief (optimistic spin, maybe too friendly)
Greed for Grammar (sounds almost too much like Blessed Rage for Order)
Greasy, Grimy Grammar Guts (a naked appeal to childhood)
grammar, ungridlocked (too weird... ungridlocked?)
Grammar Grievance (I like this one even better than Grief, above)
Grilled Grammar (grammar as a slab of protein to be cooked and eaten)
Fresh-grilled Grammar (variation... maybe Freshly Killed...?)
Grim Grammar (this appeals to my dark side)
Grimmer Grammar (I like this one—highly alliterative, consonant, and easy to remember)
The Grammar Grimace (I do grimace a lot, but would people think of a purple monster?)
Grinding Grammar (I'm no longer sure why I put this here)
Grinding Through Grammar (makes grammar into a horrible struggle)
Grammar Gripes (possibility; it captures my crotchetiness about grammar)
Grammar Gristle (similar to #5 above)
Grittier Grammar (but grittier than what?)
The Grammar Groin (satisfies MY sense of humor—welcome to my crotch)
Groovy Grammar (will people get the Army of Darkness reference?)
The Grammar Grope (deliberately pervy)
Grammar Grossness (possible? kinda' lame... Grammar Grotesquerie?)
Grotesque Grammar (this kinda represents my example sentences)
The Grammar Grotto (I expect an octopus hidden inside... or spiders, insects, etc.)
Grounded in Grammar (too damn academic)
Grouchy Grammar (or Grammar Grouch—a possibility?)
The Grammar Grouch (as above)
Grammar’s Grave (but I'm upholding grammar, not destroying it)
Grammar’s Grove (similar problem to Grotto)
The Grammar Growl (carping, complaining, possibly peristaltic, def. my attitude)

I started off leaning into the "grandpa" idea, but if I go with a grandpa-themed title, I'll have to change the alien illustration to something else (me as a grandpa?), and frankly, I like the alien and don't want to see him go. So "grandpa" was one of the first concepts to topple off the conveyor belt, however much it might fit me as an objectively old man. But after all that discussion about my book cover, it's obvious people don't want to see me on the cover.

How about something more self-deprecating like

The Grammar Twit
The Grammar Twat

?

Select from the above or generate your own better ideas.

two bits of news

1. First bit of news: I went to the Seoul Gangnam Police Station today—a much larger branch than the station that's practically next door to my apartment. I noticed the angry sky overhead and idly wondered whether I should go back inside and get an umbrella. One Fuck it later, and I was in a cab and on my way, umbrella-less. 

When I got to the police station, I did a horrible, nasty, lazy thing: I didn't use any Korean. I merely showed a printed, translated sign saying I needed to get my fingerprints on an FD-258 fingerprint card to send to the the FBI to get my criminal background check. The staff was all ladies, and they were a wee bit flustered at having to use English and find a form that probably isn't requested much in their daily work. Several ladies ended up helping me in tag-team fashion, and I was told how to add my own fingerprints to the form (which they found, with relieved cries of "Here it is!"). They said that if I did the fingerprinting wrong, there was a chance the form could be rejected by the FBI. Forms, actually—plural. I had to do this three times: one fingerprint from each hand for the small squares, then a set of four fingerprints from each hand, plus a thumbprint from each hand. Like this:

Not my prints, and my forms were black-and-white photocopies.

I had to do the above three times, which took a while and involved a lot of fingertip-cleaning with wet wipes (what Koreans call "water tissue"). I'm worried that I didn't do all of the prints quite right, but I'm close to sending all three forms to the FBI, so something had better work. I'm also worried that the police station's forms, which were already photocopied in nature, might not be accepted by the FBI, which might prefer the blue-colored standard you see above (and which I remember from previous fingerprinting).

In the States—where, yes, I have been fingerprinted—the police normally have an officer very personally guide you through the fingerprinting process. He manually rolls your finger on the ink pad, then rolls it again on the paper, then re-inks you for that final four-finger press plus the thumbprints.

As I left Seoul Gangnam Police Station with my three fingerprinted pages (cost: nothing), the rain started to fall hard. Fuck. I rolled the fingerprint forms up, stuck them in a pocket under my untucked shirt, caught another cab back to my place (wrinkling the forms in the process), and rode back to my studio. I do feel like a shit for not speaking any Korean to anyone, but maybe it made the ladies feel good to help the hapless foreigner.

I'm still not sure whether they even entered my fingerprints into their records. I do know that, years ago, I got fingerprinted in South Korea as part of some annoying immigration procedure (visa? can't remember). So I know I'm on record somewhere.

2. Second bit of news: I got a reply to my email expressing interest in that R&D job. Craigslist is no good for me when I want to post my own "EFL tutor available" ads, but it's not bad when I look for possible openings. I found one over the weekend and sent in the requested photo and resume. Boom—this afternoon, I got an email. Now, the catch is that the job ad hid the fact that the advertisers are a recruiting agency, which I think means they charge the hiring company a chunk of my first year's salary as their fee. Vultures.

I'm in dialogue with the recruiter right now via email; she explained the job (R&D work similar to what I'd been doing for ten years—textbook content creation, proofreading, editing). I don't know whether I'm going to end up with this job; the company's bosses might take one look at my old, gray self and run screaming from the room. The advertised pay is around half of what I'd been making at my previous place of work, but aside from some revolving debt and a chunk of credit-card debt, I'm not financially weighed down by anything, so in truth, I'm fine with a lower salary. I've never been one to aspire to fame and fortune.

And if I take this job, I won't have to worry about spending $285 to send my two diplomas and my FBI background check to the States to get apostilled (the FBI check would have had to be sent separately anyway since I don't have it yet, having only just gotten the fingerprint forms). This will mean I got my fingerprints today for nothing, but since today's trip cost me only two cab rides, I'm not going to complain. And speaking of complaining: I can't seriously see myself at this (still hypothetical) new job for more than a year, so I need to coordinate what I plan to do. The job's contract will end on a certain date; the rental contract will end next year on a different date; in the meantime, I plan to keep my head down, do whatever work they ask me to do, not ask questions or make loud complaints, nor even write about the job—even obliquely—on this blog. I'm just going to stay quiet and brunt my way through it all for a year. This is my eating bitter. And I've learned a lot of lessons about what complaining gets you.

At this point, I'd say there's a 90% chance I'll say yes to this work. The opportunity kind of came out of nowhere. I'd say there's also a 90% chance the job is going to suck balls, but you never know. Maybe I'll find myself in a room full of beautiful, young women who are actually nice. At some point, I might offer my services as a cook to host office parties, maybe once every two months or so. Of course, I know nothing about how big this new R&D team will be, so I'll need to get a feel for the new (hypothetical) workplace before I open my mouth.

You never know what the future will bring.

What's really sad is the ass-kicking that awaits me from Murphy's Law. I'm absolutely sure that a peach of a university job will appear after I've been hired by this place, and I'll spend my year quietly chafing over missed opportunities.

I'll say it again

While I think this guy is doing the Lord's work, I'm annoyed that he uses a blower to blow lawn debris all over the neighbors' property. Ideally, he should have a nice, powerful lawn vac so as not to bother the neighbors. All the debris should be collected.

math humor from the farm

If this isn't math humor, I don't know what is.

like that Tom Arnold scene in True Lies

how to make a pun

 

what happens when you search out grammar writers on Substack?

It's pretty bleak on Substack for grammar writers.

Many grammar writers don't even seem to write about grammar; they write instead about staged readings and other performances, or they make personal announcements, or they write so infrequently (despite having what looks to me like an enviable number of followers) that I can see why their Substacks look so, bleak, empty, and moribund. Writing about grammar isn't for the timid, it seems. Here are some examples from a cursory search.

Filth & Grammar (sounds right up my alley, but alas...)

Subscriber numbers: 574
Last four posts: 11/26/24, 10/3/23, 5/30/22, 10/6/20
Recent article titles: "F & G Morphs," "Get Class in October!", "Finding Filth & Grammar," "Solitary Refinement for the Comics Enthusiast"

The Angry Grammarian (we are an angry bunch: people piss on the language)

Subscriber numbers: 1.3K+
Last four posts: 3/7/25, 11/25/24, 10/30/24, 10/16/24
Recent article titles: "New Works from the AG Fam," "An AG Guide to Not Bungling Your Holiday Cards," "The Punctuation Heard—or Imagined—'Round the World," "Could the Election Be Swung by the Passive Voice?"

Grammar Teacher (this better be good)

Subscriber numbers: 371
Last four posts: 2/22/22, 1/11/22, 12/15/21, 11/19/21
Recent article titles: "Coming Soon," "Aircraft Technical English," "Back at Last," "Free Job Vocabulary Book"

The Bad Grammar Bulletin (see the mistake in the title?)

Subscriber numbers: 967
Last four posts: 5/10/26, 5/4/26, 4/27/26, 4/20/26
Recent article titles: "The BGB for May 10th," "The BGB for May 4th," "The BGB for April 26th," "The BGB for April 19th"

At least that last Substack seems to be up to date and still productive. Let's see what its most recent article has to say:

The child woke up at two o’clock in the morning screaming his head off and demanding his grandfather, who lives fifty miles away and comes to visit twice a week, never at two o’clock in the morning. Lot of caffeine in my future for today. I wonder what the little guy was dreaming about.

Wow, that's disappointing. Not a thing about grammar—just a narrative followed by a brief, personal update under a picture, like in a blog. On the upside, the tone seems friendly enough, but I don't know whether that friendliness works for or against the stereotypical image of the perpetually angry/exasperated grammar Nazi disgusted with the mentally sloppy canaille that surrounds him. I'd vote against. We should be a bitter bunch.

So, based on this very superficial exploration of the grammar-scold side of Substack (there are, admittedly, many, many more "grammar" channels to look through, but who has the time?), it seems I'm one of the few people actually on task and doing focused work explicitly on grammar. Most of the so-called "grammar" Substacks are about things other than grammar, and quite a few seem to have been abandoned. So that's reassuring for me: I think I'm providing quality content for those who subscribe for free and for those who bother to get a paying subscription.

But after all that I've gone through regarding the title of my new ebook, I'm sensitive to the fact that my main Substack's name is BigHominid's Many Flavors (vague at best, and promising, but is it tempting enough to draw folks in?), and Bad Online English is only a subsection of a section I've labeled The Superficial (because it's free content and not that deep, i.e., it's not a curriculum and doesn't have any tests/quizzes). So I may have to set about renaming my supercategories, categories, and subcategories with better, punchier titles. Luckily, changing the banner (yet again!) ought to be easy enough since I have the original, layered Photoshop document. Only one layer to change.

I did see that one of the above-named grammar sites had an interesting short essay from 2024 about the advent of the 18th edition of the Chicago Manual of Style (a.k.a. CMOS), and how the writer is more of an AP guy (referring to the Associated Press Stylebook). It was an interesting little quickie of a piece but about as rib-sticking as a marshmallow.

Upshot: I don't think I'm doing anything wrong in terms of content generation. Compared to these jokers, I'm a fucking machine when it comes to churning out content. There's room in the market for someone like me, for my particular voice. I don't see any significant contributions coming from any of the above publications. But I do need to work on my marketing, which is something I've always been shit at. Whoring yourself ain't easy.

I was prompted to look these sites up because I watched a video about increasing engagement on Substack, and the guy (who was apparently giving an interactive webinar at the time) said that leaving short comments on various pages is as valuable for getting engagement as publishing your own longer-form content is. Something clicked in my head, so I started searching out like-minded Substacks. Alas, the above publications are what I found, and if most of them are now inactive, then why bother commenting on them?

Well... the good fight goes on. Language deserves its defenders. I'm not a perfect defender and make my share of mistakes, but fewer and fewer of us defenders—however flawed—are left to hold the glaive of Law against the Earth.