Saturday, August 11, 2012

fragrant burrito

Maqz the chihuahua is a tiny little yippy-dog. Given how small he is, his master has chosen to take care of his pet's gastrointestinal needs by laying out puppy training pads to catch Maqz's anal and urethral expressions. I change out Maqz's pad (Maqzipad?) daily; it's usually covered in filth when I see it.

Disposing of the pad is a multi-step process. First, I spray and wipe down any part of the floor onto which one or more of Maqz's hardened poop logs may have rolled, then I dump the wayward feces onto the center of the mat. Second, I begin the delicate process of rolling and folding the mat into a terrifying burrito, being careful to wipe up any urine-tainted flooring underneath the mat (Maqz's urine sometimes runs off the pad's edge and seeps under it). Once I'm satisfied that I've napalmed the area with enough chemicals, and have given the rest station a thorough wipe-down, I take the fragrant burrito and dump it into a waiting plastic grocery bag (don't ban plastic yet, you politically correct motherfuckers!). From there, the grenade-shaped grocery bag goes into the trash.

Maqz caught me in flagrante today. I'm far too big and bold to be using doggie training pads for my own leavings, so I was upon the toilet. Because Sean's bathroom door is new, isn't painted, and has no handle (picture forthcoming), I had left the bathroom door open. The doorway faces out to the stairs; as I looked out, I heard Maqz with his long claws, clickety-clicking up the stairwell until I saw his enormous ears, then his little head-- and then he was facing me directly. Maqz stopped and stared, his pointed nose sniffing the air avidly while I pushed a big one out. It was a frank and primal moment between two sentient beings: me on the toilet, Maqz staring at me and sniffing my redolence. Undaunted, the dog sauntered right up to my feet, then placed his front paws on my knee in a gesture of solidarity: Well met, fellow pooper! I scratched his pint-sized skull amiably, imagining it orbiting the earth, powered by his huge solar-sail ears.

The dog stood guard until I had finished my session, wiped, and flushed. His mission accomplished, he retreated to another part of the house.

I look forward to one or two more fragrant burritos before I leave Alexandria early tomorrow afternoon.


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