Somewhere in space, aboard his massive star destroyer, Darth Vader is Force-strangling the entire Seattle Seahawks team.
"You had one mission—only one," the Dark Lord rumbles angrily as the footballers drop to their knees, hands protectively at their throats as they struggle for breath. "Yet you failed."
One by one, the footballers give up the ghost, their eyes rolling back into their heads, their tongues lolling stupidly as the life whispers out of them.
Back on Earth, Lance Armstrong is shaking his head in wonder.
How could a bunch of cheaters win the Super Bowl? is the question echoing repeatedly inside his head. Cheating is wrong... so wrong.
Outside of Lance's den, his eight-year-old can hear the muffled sound of her father weeping.
Weeping about inadequate balls and injustice.
_
I don't know why you keep harping on the Pats.
ReplyDeleteUnless they paid off the officials, the NFL is at fault for not catching the under-inflated footballs that were in play during official NFL games. It wasn't like NFL officials weren't holding and touching those balls at least twice after every play--supposedly over several games and countless plays. And it wasn't like these footballs physically did anything remotely resembling the actual cheating/doping that Lance Armstrong did in regards to using enhanced endurance and strength that he used to catapult himself by leaps and bounds over his bicycle pedaling competition. Did these not quite perfectly filled footballs somehow give Tom Brady and his receivers Lance Armstrong type benefits over the Pats competition? I'd have to say no since competing defenses were, on occasion, easily able to intercept the balls thrown by Tom without much effort.
No matter what, the best playing team won in the end and would have even won using Nerf footballs.
Anyway, it would really be something if an opposing team actually deflated the balls (my pick is the Ravens or Colts) just to screw with the Pats and mire them in more nonsense in order to finally remove them from the playing field through the loss of future draft picks or the suspension of their coach or quarterback. I definitely know if they were to offer this former ball boy a big payday for removing a couple of pounds of pressure the game balls, I'd have been more than a little tempted and would have done so for the right price.
What really gets me though is that in god's (the gods) grand scheme of truly horrible offences actually occurring on a daily basis around the world, a few soft footballs really seem to matter way too much to some that can't see the true injustices that so many in this world experience every day as they seem to feel more for the so-called injustice suffered by millionaires (players) and billionaires (owners) over the perceived benefits that not fully filled footballs gave one team over another.
Predictably contrarian as always, John. And you take me way too seriously. Just relax and have a chuckle, for Christ's sake.
ReplyDeleteDamn, Kevin, you got me all hyped up after going down the rabbit hole to see/hear what Stephen Fry has to say at the pearly gates. I might just have to "cheat" and use his words as my own when being accosted by religious freaks...er...fanatics...er...brainwashed...er...mentally-stunted fools (many of my own clan included).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, now that another football season is down the tubes and draft day is just around the corner, here are my two favorite humorous takeaways from Sunday.
Number 1
and
Number 2.
I guess number 1 is why I wasn't invited out to any SB parties yesterday, and number 2 is why I really don't care much for sports that drain wallets while obliterating brain cells at the same time.
If you still have some free time, you might want to track down and watch, "The Men Who Built America."
It seems that cheating is what built America and still makes the world go round as much as some of us wish it didn't.
To the victors go the spoils and all that jargon even if it takes spying, stealing, and appropriating for one country's (or person's) greater good when you can't just wage a war and take it. Well, Putin might just wage a war to inflate the price of crude oil regardless or whether or not he actually gets his fangs into all of Ukraine again.