Sunday, October 24, 2004

the thinks I think

You should be happy and proud: I think about stuff so you don't have to. Consider-- have you ever had to think about any of the following?

1. How to re-tool cow hooves so that cows can hold and operate shotguns.
2. Whether a woman can stun sperm by punching you in the groin.
3. The refractory period of mice.
4. Why we feel free to speak of the mind, hand(s), and eye(s) of God, but not of the nervous ganglia, tentacles, and eyestalks of God. Or the balls of God, for that matter, given the role they played in Jesus' conception.*
5. The sound of one tit flapping.
6. How long it would take to chew through the bars of a typical jail cell to effect an escape... or simply to impress your cellmates.
7. Fart dialects.
8. Whether we'll use genetic engineering to combine our genes with horned toad DNA so we can squirt blood from our eyes.
9. What life would be like with a three-lobed brain... each lobe housed in its own protective buttock.
10. Whether we'll use genetic engineering to combine our genes with octopus DNA so men can change the color, length, and texture of their schlongs according to mood. Squirting spoo with enough force to propel ourselves backward and out of danger might be even cooler, though.

*I think I just lost all my Christian readers. The ones with no sense of humor, anyway. Heh.


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