angry buttock valve:pasta, Jedi Knights, and yes--Star Trek quotes revealed!

You're reading the words of a very satisfied off-white dude.

I wish I could say this satisfaction arose from being wildly fucked by nubile wood nymphs, but I encountered no nymphs this evening. (I suspect the nymphs, had they shown up, would have demanded I lose about 30kg, anyway. Nymphs keep in shape, and they expect their men to take care of their bodies, too, because nymph sex is fast-paced, long-lasting, and violent as hell. By the time you're done, your testicles are usually fractured, and your dick looks like a half-cooked soft pretzel.) No: satisfaction arose from an extra-nymphic source.

For you see: tonight, my friends, after months of sweaty effort, I successfully shat in my pants.

No, wait... that's not what I wanted to say...

AHA-- I successfully made my own pasta!

I wish I'd taken pictures, but (1) it was too late in the evening, and (2) I was too damn hungry to think about photography.

I'd never made pasta before. Although I knew the ingredients for basic pasta (flour, beaten egg, salt, and maybe a bit of water), I had no clue about the proportions. The pasta recipe I used was fairly typical; I found it here. Simple, sweet, requiring no specialty items.

I followed the minimalist directions pretty literally, and the only problem I encountered was handling the dough for kneading. Since I lack common sense, it took a few minutes to figure out how to keep the dough from sticking to my fingers (a very light dusting of flour both on your hands and on the kneading surface can work wonders... it also helps if you imagine you're kneading a small, firm breast).

I have no rolling pin. I didn't buy one this evening. Switching on my MacGyver radar, I quickly realized that one of my tall glass cups would serve as a fine rolling pin, as long as I didn't press too hard and crush the glass. Lacking a proper flat surface on which to roll the dough, I recruited my one-person plastic serving tray. I'd eyeballed the portions since I have no English-system measuring cups or spoons, but I must have done everything right, because the pasta, once rolled out flat and thin, looked almost exactly like the pasta sheets you see on TV, though not quite as evenly shaped.

One big mistake I made was to think that I could flatten the dough, then roll it up and cut it into strips, then unroll the individual noodles.

"Ha ha! Wrong!" yelled my penis.

Unless you truly know what you're doing, don't try the roll-cut-unroll strategy. The noodles are almost impossible to unroll neatly. As I soon realized, it's better simply to leave the flattened dough as it is, then cut it into thin strips with a knife, so that's what I did.

Again, I wish I had a photo of my cut pasta. It looked hilarious-- like something that had been cut into strips by someone with no intelligence, no patience, and no coordination. Or by someone who'd just been fucked senseless by nymphs. Mutant noodles were everywhere. It was the pasta version of The Island of Doctor Moreau.

No two noodles looked alike, and yet there was something oddly beautiful about the unevenness, accompanied by the proud knowledge that I'd just made these bad boys from scratch.

I got the water boiling, added a glorp* of olive oil to it, and plunked the noodles in one by one. The recipe said that the pasta would serve three, but that's bullshit. What I had was barely a single serving if we're thinking in Maggiano's** terms.

The noodles took a little less time than dry pasta to cook. They were thicker and a bit chewier than standard dry spaghetti noodles, but they also tasted better. Fresh pasta really is superior to dry pasta. I'm sure my pasta-making technique will improve as time goes on. Once I get tomatoes and ground beef, I'll photoblog the making of Hominid-style spaghetti bolognese-- truly a poor man's dish.

Then there was the matter of the sauce. I went to the local Wal-Mart this evening and got a bunch of stuff for the meals I'd blogged about earlier. I still have more crap to buy, but I had enough to make a decent quasi-sauce. I cheated by using some bottled spaghetti sauce to fill in for the tomatoes. Tomorrow, I'm getting actual tomatoes... and will probably buy some ground beef, since the Korean sausage I used tonight wasn't remotely satisfactory. I didn't see any shrimp at Wal-Mart, but then again, there's a market close to where I live, and they're more likely to have what I want.

My 11:30PM cooking-- all that garlic, all those spices-- probably smelled up the apartment building; I've noticed that odors travel easily out of our doors, even when they're closed. I apologize to my neighbors, but fuck, I was hungry.

In all, the meal was excellent. I want to do a fuller version of this, though: spaghetti, garlic bread, and some sort of Mediterranean salad on the side. Maybe for two, if someone would care to join me.

Anyway, all this cooking leads me to the topic of Jedi Knights.

Many scoffers have wondered aloud about how it was that Luke trained himself between "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi." The dialogue between Luke and a dying Yoda in ROTJ makes it clear that Luke hadn't seen the old master since their parting in TESB. Yet Luke's skills had improved enormously in the interim: he was blocking laserbolts while rescuing Han Solo!

My cooking experience leads me to believe that necessity isn't merely the mother of invention: it's the mother of autodidactic behavior.

I'm single, I live in a single dwelling, and I love to eat. It's a sure recipe for reaching out and learning new cooking techniques. I've learned to make Korean foods like budae-jjigae, ra-bokkgi, ddeok-bokkgi, ddeok-mandu-guk, and so on. I also make decent crepes and apple pie filling-- something I never tried in the States. I accomplished all the above without the tutelage of a Jedi Master.

Which means that... if I can do it, then it's entirely plausible that Luke Skywalker taught himself those Jedi skills.

Ah, yes.

All this science fiction talk is putting me in the mood for some Star Trek. So let's get down to business and review those 75 quotes, yais?

Here they are, with brief explanations (name of the movie, name of the character):

"Computer? Hellooo, computer!"
MOVIE: "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home," hereinafter ST4.
CHARACTER: Scotty, into a Macintosh mouse, while touring a plastics factory. He then reveals the molecular structure of transparent aluminum.

"We can't fire, sir! They've damaged the photon controls and the warp drive! We must withdraw!"
MOVIE: "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan," hereinafter ST2.
CHARACTER: Joachim, second-in-command to Khan, aboard the commandeered starship Reliant, after taking a pummeling from the Enterprise.

"It was... fun. Oh, my."
MOVIE: "Star Trek: Generations," hereinafter ST7.
CHARACTER: James Kirk. His last words.

"Yours is superior."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Joachim. His last words. Khan immediately swears to avenge him. If you watch this scene closely, you'll notice that Joachim dies with his eyes open, but when Khan hugs Joachim's body tightly, the actor's eyes close.

"Do you have a message for your mother?"
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Sarek, to Spock, at the end of the film. Spock replies: "Yes. Tell her... I feel fine." The scene is a nice wrap-up of Spock's continuing humanization-- a thread that runs through many of the Trek movies and culminates in that awesome piece of dialogue in "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country" (hereinafter ST6)-- "History is replete with turning points. We must have faith." To which his interlocutor, Valeris, asks, "Faith?" Spock then clarifies: "That the universe will unfold as it should." A marvelous end to the evolution of the Spock character. ST6 had many faults, but the script stayed true to the most important Trek matters: Spock's humanity, and the rapport among all the members of the Enterprise bridge crew.

"What would your favorite author say?"
MOVIE: ST6.
CHARACTER: General Chang, at Kirk's trial. He follows with a quote from Kirk's favorite author, William Shakespeare: "Let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the death of kings." The line is from Richard II, Act III, scene ii.

"Assimilate this."
MOVIE: "Star Trek: First Contact," hereinafter ST8.
CHARACTER: Worf, during the zero-gee combat scene on the Enterprise's hull. He and Picard have successfully detached the Borg communication device. Several Borg are on it as it floats free. Worf takes the easy shot. A magnificent explosion marks the deaths of those Borg. Worf's line, however, is corny as hell.

"Coordinates 22-87-4. All systems normal and functioning."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Saavik, captain of the simulated Enterprise at the beginning of the movie. Damn, Kirstie Alley was hot back then. And doesn't Kirstie Alley sound like a porn star's name?

"Absolutely I will not interfere!"
MOVIE: "Star Trek: The Motion Picture," hereinafter ST1.
CHARACTER: Chekov, after being commanded not to interfere with the weird, glowing probe sent by V'Ger to suck data out of the Enterprise's memory banks. The line was played for laughs. Poor Chekov, long the token Commie aboard the Enterprise, was always the punching bag for us viewers in the free world. Even in ST4, which came out during the glasnost years, he was the one who ended up cracking his skull and suffering a (temporary) brain hemorrhage.

"I am programmed in multiple techniques."
MOVIE: ST8.
CHARACTER: Data, cowering under the amorous advances of the Borg Queen. Someone once pointed out that the Borg Queen is probably the only character in movie history to make her grand entrance from two directions at once. If I'm not mistaken, Data's "multiple techniques" line is a running joke from the TV series. Remember him getting it on with Security Chief Tasha Yar?

"Drilling holes in his head is not the answer! The artery must be repaired! So put away your butcher knives and let me save this patient before it's too late!"
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Of course this is Dr. McCoy. In this scene, he's chewing out the 1986-era surgeon at the hospital. As the doctors argue, Chekov lies inert on the gurney, hemorrhaging away until Bones whips out his hi-tech, non-invasive surgical device.

"I just love scanning for life forms."
MOVIE: ST7.
CHARACTER: Data, not long after receiving his emotion chip. Data was dimly viewed by old-school Trek fans as a Spock surrogate. There's some truth to this, but by the time Data actually meets Spock in that two-part episode, most Trekkors had gotten used to Data, and he'd developed his own nuances.

"Damn. Are you sure? Maybe the scanner's out of adjustment."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Captain Terrell, played by the great Paul Winfield. Terrell and crew have been trying to find a planet devoid of life on which to test the Genesis device's Stage 3 rocket. They've reached the Ceti Alpha system and are scanning Ceti Alpha V (they think it's Ceti Alpha VI) when they pick up faint life signs; these signs turn out to be Khan and his crew. Terrell eventually succumbs to the ironclad Black Guy Dies Rule of Science Fiction and Horror Movies.

"Reading Klingon-- that's hard."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Scotty, early on in the movie, while the Enterprise crew is still planetbound on Vulcan.

"You don't have to believe it. I'm not even sure that I believe it."
MOVIE: "Star Trek III: The Search for Spock," hereinafter ST3.
CHARACTER: Kirk, talking over drinks to Admiral Morrow, trying to convince Morrow to let him take the Enterprise back to the Genesis world to recover Spock's body. "But if there's even a chance that Spock has an eternal soul... then it's my responsibility."

"...or should I just punch CLEAR?"
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Scotty, talking to Nichols, the plastics manufacturing plant manager, after putting the molecular structure of transparent aluminum on screen.

"You must become one with the rock."
MOVIE: "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier." NB: This quote is the only one I plucked from ST5.
CHARACTER: Spock, to an implausibly rock-climbing Kirk, at the beginning of the movie, in Yosemite park. This was probably the only good line in the film.

"Don't wait for the translation! Answer me now!"
MOVIE: ST6.
CHARACTER: General Chang (Christopher Plummer, perhaps anticipating the raving that his daughter Amanda would do in the restaurant robbery scene of "Pulp Fiction"), to Captain Kirk, at the Klingon show trial. As Annika noted, the line is a nod to a quote from actual history: Adlai Stevenson to Ambassador Zorin during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

"...everything that is not of the body..."
MOVIE: ST3.
CHARACTER: A distraught Sarek, freaking out in front of Kirk, at Kirk's home. Sarek was convinced that Spock had mind-melded with Kirk before his death, thereby transmitting to Kirk his katra, or essential consciousness. "Because he asked you to! He entrusted you... with his very essence! With everything that is not of the body! He asked you to bring him to us! And to bring that which he gave you: his katra, his living spirit!"

"Today is a good day to die!"
MOVIE: ST8.
CHARACTER: Worf, commanding the Defiant against the Borg Cube at the beginning of the film. The line is, according to Trek lore, a standard Klingon war cry.

"...so don't splurge."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Kirk, to his crew, on the streets of San Francisco, doling out his $100 in cash after selling his glasses at a pawnshop.

"We are working together!"
MOVIE: ST7.
CHARACTER: Kirk, grinning rakishly at Picard as they fight Dr. Soran (Malcolm McDowell in yet another goofy role). Did any of you understand the metaphysics of the Nexus? I thought it was a shitty, muddled plot device-- purely an excuse to bring the two Enterprise captains together.

"...retract plank."
MOVIE: ST7.
CHARACTER: Picard, wryly correcting Riker, after Riker bellows, "Remove plank!", causing Worf to plunge into the simulated waters of the holodeck. The event was Worf's promotion, and the crew had chosen to stage the ceremony on an ancient seafaring vessel. You'll recall that Riker and Worf both have a thing for Ship's Counselor Deanna Troi. Riker ends up marrying her in "Star Trek: Nemesis." Worf is left to explore the romantic possibilities of sheep.

"Don't be a prig."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Bones McCoy, to Kirk, after handing Kirk his first birthday present: a bottle of Romulan ale. Here's a trivia question: do you remember the year of the ale's vintage? By the way, this exchange between Kirk and McCoy is one of three big "Wrath of Khan" dialogues I still have memorized. And, yeah, I'm proud of that, dammit.

"James T. Kirk, renegade and terrorist."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Ambassador Kamarag (not named in the film, but named in the novelization by Vonda McIntyre), ranting at the Federation hearing, playing back the recording of the Enterprise's self-destruction and demanding Kirk's extradition. The Klingons don't capture Kirk until ST6.

"Twelve hours, forty-three minutes, present speed."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Who else can quote numbers like that? This is Spock, talking to Kirk on the bridge of the Enterprise, just before they go to Kirk's quarters to view the Genesis promotional video by Carol Marcus, Kirk's old flame.

"Who is this? How dare you take prisoners!"
MOVIE: ST3.
CHARACTER: Kirk, blustering to Commander Kruge (Christopher Lloyd) after the jury-rigged Enterprise and Kruge's Klingon fighter exchange fire.

"Admiral, your young friend is mistaken. I meant what I said."
MOVIE: ST3.
CHARACTER: Kruge again. It's the same scene. David Marcus is killed shortly after. The actor who played David Marcus, Merritt Butrick, died in 1989. Some sources say suicide; others say AIDS.

"Who am I to argue with history?"
MOVIE: ST7.
CHARACTER: Kirk, to Picard, while bustling away in his fantasy house. The exchange includes a now-dated "Beavis and Butt-head" reference. Kirk, not really listening to Picard while he cooks some eggs, suddenly shoots him a serious look and says flatly, "Dillweed." Picard is confused; Kirk clarifies that he needs dillweed to complete the meal prep.

"Up yer shaft."
MOVIE: ST3.
CHARACTER: Scotty, stepping into a turbolift on the starship Excelsior, hating every moment of his time on board. The polite elevator doesn't improve his mood-- and besides, at that moment he's helping Kirk bust McCoy out of a Federation detention center.

"The line must be drawn here! This far, no farther! And I will make them pay for what they have done!"
MOVIE: ST8.
CHARACTER: Picard, talking to Lily (Alfre Woodard), while fiddling with his rifle. It's Patrick Stewart's golden moment to call upon all that Shakespearean experience. This exchange is my favorite scene in the film. It's unfortunate, though, that Picard's character never shows quite that depth of feeling to members of his own crew, whether in the TV series or in the movies.

"Time is the fire in which we burn."
MOVIE: ST7.
CHARACTER: Dr. Soran, to Picard, in the Enterprise lounge (the sterile antithesis of the gritty Mos Eisley cantina). Picard had only recently received news that his brother and nephew had burned to death in a fire on Earth. Soran apparently knew this.

"Sounds like the goddamn Spanish Inquisition."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Bones McCoy, in an elevator with Kirk and a hemorrhaging Chekov on a gurney, listening in disgust as two young doctors discuss two other doctors who'd been arguing over treatment options.

"The Klingons don't take prisoners. Lights."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Admiral Kirk, to Lieutenant Saavik, immediately following Saavik's "disastrous" training simulation.

"I'd prefer to supervise the refit of Enterprise."
MOVIE: ST3.
CHARACTER: Scotty, to Admiral Morrow, just after the Enterprise has docked and the crew is assembled for review. Morrow then delivers the bad news: the Enterprise is to be decommissioned, the Genesis planet has been quarantined, and no one is allowed to talk about recent events.

"Nothing unreal exists."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Spock, taking a test at the beginning of the movie. The computer asks Spock, "What is Kir-kin-tha's First Law of Metaphysics?" The above is Spock's reply. A few seconds later, Spock is stumped by the question, "How do you feel?" By the end of the movie, Spock, who has shared intimate moments with whales, is more in touch with his feelings.

"Do it. Don't be tempted by the flesh."
MOVIE: ST8.
CHARACTER: The Borg Queen, egging Data on, waiting to see whether Data will rip off the piece of human skin she's grafted to his forearm. Data proves unable to rip the skin off; the sensations it produces are too delightful.

"I can't go with you. I'm already there, remember?"
MOVIE: ST7.
CHARACTER: Guinan (Whoopi Goldberg), from within the Nexus, talking to Picard. I never quite understood what was going on. Guinan was both inside and outside the Nexus; Picard, on the other hand, was entirely inside the Nexus. Why? I don't have a fucking clue. And it's never clearly explained how Picard and Kirk slip out of the Nexus and find themselves facing Soran on Veridian III (quite possibly the stupidest name for a planet I've ever heard).

"If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand."
MOVIE: ST8.
CHARACTER: Worf, to Picard, after Picard accused Worf of cowardice. Worf, having assessed the fight against the Borg and concluded it was a losing battle, suggested retreat. This set Picard off because he was having a Herman Melville moment.

"Federation battle cruiser! Have they scanned us?"
MOVIE: ST3.
CHARACTER: Torg, who I assume is second-in-command of the Klingon fighter. Torg is in charge while Kruge is planetside; the Enterprise appears; Kruge demands to be brought back to the fighter.

"Is that a poem?"
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: You are truly a Trek trivia master if you got this one. The speaker is Carol Marcus. The mournful Enterprise bridge crew is staring out at the Genesis planet, preparing for departure. Kirk had just (mis)quoted from Dickens's A Tale of Two Cities: "It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before; a far better resting place I go to, than I have ever known." This prompts Carol to ask if Kirk was quoting a poem. Kirk replies, "No... something Spock was trying to tell me, on my birthday."

McCoy: You OK, Jim? How do you feel?
Kirk: Young. I feel young.

The movie ends with Leonard Nimoy's solemn recitation of the Trek motto, which includes the most famous split infinitive in modern English: "...to boldly go where no man has gone before."

[Pan across starfield; accelerate into the future; music builds to crescendo; end titles. Damn, it's scary how much of this I remember.]

By the way, the actual quote from Dickens (I have a copy of the book right here) is:

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."

"You are an imperfect being, created by an imperfect being. Finding your weakness is only a matter of time."
MOVIE: ST8.
CHARACTER: The Borg Queen, to a strapped-down Data, just before they start drilling into his head. You know, if I were the Borg Queen and I had access to Data's head, I'd want to do more than gain control of his emotion chip. What sex-hungry Borg Queen wouldn't want some android dick to munch on at her command?

"...but he's a retard or something."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: The FBI agent on the aircraft carrier Enterprise, befuddled by Chekov's strange utterances and obvious Russian accent. Chekov then tries to fire his Klingon phaser, but it seems to have been scrambled by the carrier's ambient radiation. That scene has always puzzled me: you'd think the Klingons would make more durable weapons. A related thought: just how high are the radiation levels on an aircraft carrier? If they're too high, the entire carrier crew would develop Cell Phone Scrotum after enough time had passed.

"I hope for your sake that you are initiating a mating ritual."
MOVIE: ST7.
CHARACTER: Shit-- it's either Lursa or B'Etor, one of the two Klingon sisters from the Next Generation TV series. Both die in this movie. I couldn't believe what I was seeing: director David Carson shamelessly reused the Klingon fighter explosion footage from ST6.

"...and what did it get me? An empty house."
MOVIE: ST7.
CHARACTER: A wistful Kirk, talking to Picard about his lack of fulfillment, just before he gallops off to chase another skirt.

"Everybody remember where we parked."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Kirk. Classic line from this film.

"Bizet?"
MOVIE: ST8.
CHARACTER: Riker, to Picard, in Picard's ready room. Picard has the music volume turned high; his possessions are all vibrating from the bass resonance. Picard is upset because he's gotten word of the Borg attack against Earth.

"Arrogant presumption."
MOVIE: ST6.
CHARACTER: Trick question! Both Kirk and Spock utter this phrase, though at different points in the film. Kirk says it first, to Spock, after Spock's speech about the Klingon situation. Spock uses the phrase near the end of the film to acknowledge the mistakes he'd made over the course of the film.

"Have we not heard the chimes at midnight?"
MOVIE: ST6.
CHARACTER: General Chang, to Kirk, again quoting Shakespeare, which is, we are told, much better in the original Klingon.

"I thought I told you never to call me."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Kirk, over the communicator to Scotty, while having pizza and beer with Gillian. Scotty's interruption confirms to Gillian that Kirk is a crazy man surrounded by crazies. Side note: Catherine Hicks, who plays Gillian, has some incredible nipples. I remember them appearing, perky and alert, during a sex scene in an old HBO movie called "Laguna Heat." Just thought I'd mention that.

"Beautiful day!"
MOVIE: ST7.
CHARACTER: Kirk's greeting to Picard as Kirk is busy chopping wood. ST7 was one long emasculation of the Picard character. This is why ST8 had to happen.

"We have the right to defend our race."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: The "race" issue comes up a lot with Klingons, but this particular quote is from Kamarag, talking to Sarek, during the Federation hearing.

"Nor have you-- as your continued predilection for irrelevancy demonstrates."
MOVIE: ST1.
CHARACTER: Spock, in his first true joust with McCoy. Bones had just told Spock that the latter hadn't changed a bit: Spock was still the same warm, cuddly guy he'd always been.

"I was not attempting to evaluate its moral implications, Doctor."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Spock again, in another joust with the doctor, again in Kirk's ready room, after having watched the Genesis video. Heh. Genesis video. Sounds as if Spock was refraining from a moral evaluation of Phil Collins's oeuvre.

"D. H. Lawrence!"
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Gillian, to Kirk, inside the hold of the Klingon vessel, as they both stare into the makeshift whale tank. Kirk intones, "They say the sea is cold but the sea contains the hottest blood of all." Gillian stares at Kirk in wonder and continues the recitation: "Whales weep not. DH Lawrence!" Kirk knows that, to bed a woman, you've got to whip out the proper quote for the occasion.

"Just because we can do a thing, it does not follow that we must do that thing."
MOVIE: ST6.
CHARACTER: The Federaton president, giving his speech near the end of the film, unaware that people are trying to kill him.

"I sealed the room myself!"
MOVIE: ST3.
CHARACTER: Chekov, to an irritated Kirk, who'd just said, "I ordered Spock's quarters sealed!"

"Aft torpedoes! Fire!"
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Khan, played with gusto by the inimitable Ricardo Montalban. William Shatner is a natural overactor. Ricardo Montalban pulled off the trick of making overacting look poignant. Trivia: Many people noted that Khan either had large breasts, or he had huge, muscular pecs. Leonard Nimoy, in his deutero-autobiography I Am Spock, informs us that Montalban worked out to get those pecs. They were the real thing.

"We are a proud people [race?], and we will go on being proud."
MOVIE: ST6.
CHARACTER: Chancellor Gorkon's daughter Azetbur (Rosanna de Soto), giving her own speech at the Khitomer conference. Khitomer was significant in the Next Generation TV series: it was where Worf's family-- his father in particular-- was disgraced in some incident (Khitomer uprising?).

"Sounds Swedish."
MOVIE: ST8.
CHARACTER: Lily, speaking to herself after Picard fills her in on the 24th-century problem of the Borg.

"Warrior to warrior..."
MOVIE: ST6.
CHARACTER: General Chang, to Kirk, taunting.

"Maybe it's something we can transplant, hm?"
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Captain Terrell, ever hopeful, about to call Regula One to ask permission to explore Ceti Alpha VI (actually Ceti Alpha V).

"You're blended, all right."
MOVIE: ST8.
CHARACTER: Riker, amused, to a drunk Deanna Troi, who's been fending off the advances of Zephram Cochrane, the inventor of human warp drive.

"This is fantasy. You wanted adventure? How's this? The old adrenaline going?"
MOVIE: ST3.
CHARACTER: Uhura, to the young guy at the quiet duty station on Earth. Uhura had requested duty there to help Kirk with his plans to break Dr. McCoy out of the Federation holding cell.

"I would accept that as an axiom."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Spock, to his mother Amanda, after she asks, "Spock, do the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?"

"Belay that phaser order! Fire photon torpedoes!"
MOVIE: ST1.
CHARACTER: Decker (Stephen Collins), moving in slo-mo thanks to goofy inside-the-wormhole special effects, countermanding Kirk's order to blast an asteroid that had been sucked into the wormhole along with the Enterprise. That entire sequence makes me laugh. The other sequence that has me on the floor is when Lieutenant Ilia gets killed by that probe. Persis Khambatta might have been a gorgeous model, but she was a horrible actress. But maybe I shouldn't speak ill of the dead.

"Perfect! Then that is the way it shall be."
MOVIE: ST3.
CHARACTER: Commander Kruge, to Kirk, on the unstable surface of the Genesis planet.

"So much for the little training cruise."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Sulu, under his breath, after Kirk takes command of the Enterprise and gives his speech over the intercom. They then speed off to Regula One.

"We can't just sit here."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: David Marcus, Kirk's son, impatient about being stuck inside the planet Regula while the Enterprise is apparently AWOL.

"One damn minute, Admiral."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: One of Spock's most famous laugh lines in the film. Kirk has just stormed onto the bridge of the Klingon fighter: "Spock! Where's that power you promised?"

"To be... or not to be."
MOVIE: ST6.
CHARACTER: General Chang utters this line three times in the movie: twice during the diplomatic dinner aboard the Enterprise (once in Klingon, once in English); then once more at the end of the film, just before the Enterprise's guided torpedo smashes into his bridge.

"He is a man of deep feelings."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Spock, talking to Scotty about Kirk. Trivia: James Doohan, who plays Scotty, can't stand William Shatner. It's amazing they worked together for so long.

"I'm laughing at the superior intellect."
MOVIE: ST2.
CHARACTER: Kirk, ship-to-ship communication to Khan, goading Khan to pursue the Enterprise into the Mutara Nebula. Khan takes the bait. "I'll say this for him: he's consistent," Kirk quips.

ST2 features the most egregious Star Trek acting mistake of any of the Trek films-- a full-fledged mistake. It happens right at the moment the Enterprise enters the Mutara Nebula. If you think you know what I'm referring to, email me.

"What do you suggest we do, spank it?"
MOVIE: ST1.
CHARACTER: Bones, of course, grousing at Spock, who has described the awesome V'Ger as a child, emotionally speaking.

"They were giving me a sour stomach."
MOVIE: ST4.
CHARACTER: Scotty, telling Kirk over the intercom that he'd replaced the Klingon food packs. Kirk's reply is vaguely scatological: "So that's what it was."

And that's it. All 75 quotes. Many thanks to the people who wrote in with their answers. Good job, all.

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*A glorp is a unit of measure roughly equivalent to the amount of saliva and snot you can hawk out when you have a bad cold.

**The first time I went to Maggiano's I had no clue this was a chain. It didn't act like a chain restaurant. It didn't feel like one. And the portions were frighteningly huge. If you like Italian food in bulk and live close to a Maggiano's, I highly recommend the experience at least once. Immediately afterward, you should probably walk about ten miles.


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