Saturday, January 19, 2008

all hail Tom Cruise!

Tom Cruise gets his face in the papers yet again thanks to the unauthorized release of another video of him going nuts while talking about your favorite religion and mine, Scientology.

Craig Ferguson's video parody is here.

Another, far more hilarious, Cruise tribute is here. (To be honest, it probably wasn't intended as a Cruise tribute.)

And if you've never read the prose stylings of Cintra Wilson, what better way to introduce you to her wacky world than to dig up one of her old pieces mentioning the Cruiser himself? An excerpt from her essay on the 2002 Oscars:

I must warn the world about Tom Cruise. I feel he is an utterly terrifying Superior Life Form, with the power to melt heads and braid spines. His eyes are as hard, shiny and brutally penetrating as diamond drill-bits. The new braces on his teeth suggest that he is erasing all that remained of his tiny imperfections, and he is now metamorphosing into Ultra Super Perfection Man 3000. I fear his intense, mind-beating politeness, his titanium imperviousness to human weakness, his barking power-laugh.

"Movies make a little bit of magic touch our lives," he commanded us to acknowledge, with steely resolve and Mach-5 mega-humorlessness.

People in the audience started laughing, until they realized that Tom was Not Being Funny At All. He was chosen to frankly address the post-Sept. 11 whither-the-Oscars conundrum head-on. "Should we celebrate the magic the movies bring? Now?" Tom asked, his eyes boring into the eyes of the TV multitudes and implanting rays of total domination. "Dare I say it?" He flashed a smirk with his robotically flawless teeth. "More than EVER," he hissed, laying on his most Extreme Scientological Unction. He had been commanded by the Elders to Obi-Wan-Kenobi-ize the audience into rebelieving in the importance of the obscenely superfluous Oscars. Tom Cruise is becoming the Scary Flaming Eye from "The Lord of the Rings," and I fear that nobody can stop him.

Ha ha! I love Cintra Wilson, and will one day mate with her. Our children will be skull-beating morons and we'll collect their drool and sell it to Koreans, claiming it's a soup additive that increases sexual stamina.


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