18 defecation haiku

PREFACE: A Korean proverb says, roughly, "Frequent farting leads to shitting." If I knew how to do rotating taglines, this would certainly be one of them. Wisdom for the ages.

Onward with the haiku!

*** *** ***

never force your shit
lest you truly want to make
your asshole explode

no anal fissures
can be found on the surface
of my Mars landscape

push now, goddammit!
like the Death Star, you release
deadly beams of dung

animals take flight
once awakened, rectal wrath
shatters forest peace

pulsing hemorrhoids
form a pattern, telling your
anal horoscope

I took down a bull
with one glop of well-aimed shit
fired from my hole

The next step is more highly evolved shit haiku (shite-ku?). In this exercise, we keep the 5/7/5 syllabic structure, but mold it to an aba rhyme scheme.

lo, my gaping crotch!
spreading deadly brown and green
from the buttock-notch

call it infantile
all the while I bury you
under a shitpile

you cannot evade!
nothing can repulse the vile
spread patterns I've made!

Jacques Derrida screams
tries in vain to deconstruct
diarrhetic memes

like a pachyderm
I shit heavily upon
ALL you puerile worms

thicker than rat snot
dousing you with mountains of
warm, steaming butt-rot

But we're not done. Let's pull an Emeril and kick this up another notch by preserving the aba rhyme scheme AND leaving the letter "e" out of the following haiku, à la Georges Perec's A Void.

on what basis do
you think that I shit so much?
I laugh... and fling poo

you just kiss my ass
right as I'm about to fart
lips blown up by gas

"Stop shitting!" you cry
OK, but you cannot stop
my licking your thighs

rabbit raisins can't
rival grandiosity
of shit in my pants

this is what's so fun:
radiating poo-stink from
rumbling, monstrous buns

taking a big shit
this is almost as cool as
staring at your tits

_