Monday, October 15, 2007

postal scrotum: Arn on martial arts

My buddy Arn writes in re: that challenge to a fight I received a while back:

Kevin! I FINALLY got around to reading that whole exchange about Martial Arts, including that cluck inviting you to fight.

Unfortunately, he's indicative of a whole new generation of "kick-punch" fighters. Maybe new isn't the right word. This kind has been around since full-contact karate started up in the 70s, and was probably around before that. They think that ring-fighting is the ultimate "test" and ultimate glory of a fighter. They have no concept of forms, self-discipline, humility, or contributing to the greater good of the world. They want to be ass-kickers, and that's about it.

I've encountered some of these beasties in Martial Arts chats and forums. These seem to consist of endless arguments about who can kick whose ass. In general, they reject the last 3,000 years of philosophical development attached to the martial arts. I frequently read about how Bruce Lee's accomplishments are "outdated" and "useless" in modern fighting. This makes me smile.

In essence, I think leaving them alone while they pummel each other into drooling, brain-dead veggies is probably the best policy. It's not like it will be a long journey for many of them.

I can't remember the name of the Okinawan Karate master of this story, but I'm going to tell you the story anyway. During the siege of Okinawa during WWII, there was, after a while, almost no food left on the island. The American blockade was complete. NOTHING could get in or out. Both the Japanese and the Okinawans were hiding in caves. The students of one of the masters kept smuggling what tiny amounts of food they could to him, begging him to eat and keep his strength up. What they didn't know was that he didn't eat any of the food they worked so hard to get. He gave it all to the children hiding around him, and he starved to death. Now THAT is a Martial Arts master.

I also applaud your decision that, should this poser have actually wanted to fight, you'd do it yourself. I suspect you're hardbodied enough now to take a couple of good shots (or shits, depending...), grab him, and squash him with your bodyweight. While you have a great many friends in the Martial Arts community, including me, who'd happily take your place, the noise-maker would feel betrayed, lied to and put-upon if one of us "ringers" stepped in and "showed him the error of his ways," as my mother used to express it.

Most Karate instructors (can't speak for the others...I have no experience in their venues) will tell you that the most dangerous students are the new ones. The first few times they get in the ring for some gentle sparring, they're charged up with fear, adrenaline, and a desperate desire not to look foolish. Guys bigger than you would stand there facing my 5'6" self, and on command proceed to try to either knock my head completely off, or kick me in the nuts so hard I'd have to shove them out of my sinus cavities with my fingers and hope they'd drop all the way back down again.

Along with many others, I've given you various fighting tips in the past. You already understand the concept of mushin far better than most non-fighters. So let me throw one more in out of the ether, as it were: FART.

Yes. I mean it. Knowing your penchant for on-command and involuntary flatus releases, fill the fighting area with ass-gas. I personally might even forgo bathing for a few days pre-fight if it's possible. Work up a sweat each day, too. Rub your fists in your pits just before fight time. Scratch your scrotum so your fingertips waft a smegmatic essence. That will make him fear your hands. So while he's worrying over those rank hands touching him, kick him in the knee or something.

For your pre-fight breakfast, some boiled eggs, crab salad and a beer will load you up with some truly noxious fumes. I'm sure you know of many other foods to supplement this basic "no-breather," too.

There. Should you manage to piss off another screaming weenie in the future, you're now prepared for battle!


Great insights, Arn. Fortunately or unfortunately, I haven't heard a peep from "william" since that exchange, so unless he suddenly appears in Korea baying for my blood, it's doubtful we'll be making that YouTube video of me getting my ass kicked. Fascinating suggestions, by the way.


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