Wednesday, January 05, 2005

a truly shitty story

The following story is true, but names and some other details have been changed to protect the innocent and the traumatized. The story was sent to me by a buddy who, as you'll see, had a rough holiday.

Dramatis personae:

Marlon = my buddy
MaTrina = Mother-in-law, sanity issues
LaShawn = my friend's diarrhetic baby daughter
Annette = my friend's intrepid wife

MaTrina highlite of the week... On Tuesday or Wednesday, MaTrina's watching LaShawn (baby daughter). LaShawn was sick, and couldn't go to daycare. She was acting happy and normal, but had a pretty severe case of the runs. Background info... MaTrina has a berber carpet in her main room. For some reason, she doesn't like putting LaShawn down on the carpet because she thinks it's too rough on LaShawn. We have the same berber carpet in our living room, and LaShawn's on it a lot. The story takes place at the In-Laws' house.

So LaShawn poops, and MaTrina goes to change the diaper. She takes off the dirty diaper, and is playing with LaShawn's feet, and singing to her. I say, "You might want to get a clean diaper on her, she's probably gonna poop again." MaTrina says, "OK"; I walk into the other room to call Annette.

I'm on the phone for a few minutes and then hear "Oh, my!" from MaTrina. I come back. LaShawn has pooped a little on the blanket she was lying on. MaTrina hadn't changed her yet. So MaTrina is panicking, still doesn't change LaShawn. I hang up with Annette and go to help, when LaShawn projectile poops all over MaTrina. She gets it EVERYWHERE. Pants and shirt. I mean this sprayed out and got some serious distance. Kev, you would have loved it. Just like the vomit in "Meaning of Life," but it comes out of a baby's bottom. Great sound, too... a big juicy "POP." LaShawn is giggling throughout the whole event.

I take LaShawn, tell MaTrina to go change, and clean her up. Then I put her down on the carpet to stick a diaper on her. Then MaTrina, still covered in shit, picks LaShawn up off the carpet and puts her back down on the blanket in the poop that's on the blanket, getting it all over LaShawn. It's like it's better for her to lie in shit than lie on the carpet?

So I pick LaShawn up, tell MaTrina to go change, clean LaShawn off again, take the blanket away, and change her. Then I put her down to throw the nasty diapers away. Then MaTrina picks LaShawn up and sits LaShawn on her lap... Which is still shitty from the projectile poop. Now LaShawn has shit all over her again. I take LaShawn away and tell MaTrina to go change.

I take LaShawn's outfit off, bag it, clean her and change her... Then I go to find MaTrina... She's in the kitchen, still covered in shit, cooking dinner. (We were supposed to come over for dinner.) I tell her that I think it's nasty that she's cooking dinner while covered in shit, and there's now shit on the counter, and on the stove where she was leaning against them. She says "OH," like in a surprised panic, and she starts cleaning the counter and the stove, still covered in shit. I just leave.

We don't go over for dinner.



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