Thursday, June 02, 2011

the wonder of feta

When I go to Costco, I usually buy myself a big box of Président brand feta cheese. I have no idea what the best brand of feta is, but I find that Président works just fine for all my feta-related needs. The Président box is transparent, so you can look at the feta crumbs all piled on top of each other in the same way that you can look at an ant farm: it's a cross-section view. Very archaeological.

Here's the thing. Whenever I look at the cross-section, I always see small crumbs. When I stare down into the box from the top, however, I see huge crumbs. That in itself isn't disturbing; I suspect that the larger crumbs somehow end up on the surface through the random jostling that occurs during shipping.

What is disturbing is that, whenever I scoop away that layer of large crumbs, I see more large crumbs! I keep expecting to see the smaller crumbs-- the ones that are visible from the side-- but they never seem to be there when I look at the box from the top. Large crumbs keep appearing, taking the place of the large crumbs I've just scooped out.

I'm beginning to think that the Président brand is blessed by a series of rabbis and priests and monks, all of whom add some sort of fetanic mana to the box, making the large crumbs always appear on top. Maybe this is why feta is white: it can't contain all that holy power without leaking some into the visible electromagnetic spectrum.

I need to take a handful of Président feta, make an unguent, and go find a leper.



SJHoneywell said...

The power of goat milk compels you! The power of goat milk compels you!

hahnak said...

fetanic manna. kevin, youre SO WEIRD! (and no, this isnt news, but its still true)

Kevin Kim said...

Yes, "weird" is my middle name.

I was thinking not so much of biblical manna as of this mana, which is a term often bandied about in religious studies.


Oh, it does compel me. I wake up some mornings covered in feta, with vague memories of blood on walls, children's screams, and the horrible yelping and yowling of pets that got in the way of whatever grim business I had been commanded to perform. Commanded... by the cheese.

By your command.

Charles said...

I vaguely remember some commercials that were run a while back with the tag line: "Behold the power of cheese."

A friend of mine, after a cheese-rich meal, let rip a ripe flatus. He broke the ensuing silence in an imperious tone: "Behold the power of cheese!"

Wait... that wasn't you, was it?

Elisson said...

Costco also sells a real Greek feta (goat + sheep milk) that consists of chunks of cheese in a brine. Great for hacking into cubes... real authentic flavor. But we like the Président feta crumbles, too, for their convenience.

I'll be hitting Costco today. Time to buy the Big Protein.