epic poem repost

A random trip through my archives brought me to Charles's 2006 blog post, written in honor of my 37th birthday. (Jesus. Remember 37?) Perhaps inspired by Charles's post, I wrote my own Beowulf-like (okay, not really) epic poem two years later (now with improved em dashes!). Enjoy this 2008 blast from the past. Later that year, I would attempt a walk across America—and fail. Things got even worse in 2009, but instead of dwelling on sad things, enjoy this life-affirming morsel of doggerel:

"Who will slay the beast?"
the regent cried
"And who will lay it low?
Who has the pride?"

But none inside the hall
gave e'en a peep
they stared, they shuffled,
—milled about like sheep

Then flinging wide the doors
with blubb'rous strength
Great Kevin strode inside
and spoke at length

"Lo, traveled far and wide
the world, have I—
I, ponderous of tum
and large of thigh

"I see the men before
me are but fools!
Their fear doth make them shit
and piss and drool!

"Of cowards doth the regent
have no need
But HA! I feel the need—
the need for speed!

"And so with arrow-haste
I take my leave
to slay this maddened beast
before the eve!"

"But soft!" the regent said
to Kevin's back
"You have no weapons in
your leather sack!"

"Fear not," said Kevin, "I
have come equipped
with tools to work my work
that death be swift."

With that, Great Kevin left
the oaken halls
his stride was straight and sure;
he scratched his balls

On exit took he up
his mighty glaive
and thus went into battle
strong and brave

Not far did Kevin walk
ere he did spy
the dwelling of the beast—
"Tis do or die!"

He drew his glaive and charged
with fighting grin
no thought to safety
(or to growing thin)

His gut abounce, he leaped
into the cave
and cried, "Beware! Your pubes
I shall now shave!"

The monster roared! Its fangs
did click and clack
and Kevin's glaive did wheel
and slash and hack

The fight raged on until
the rosy dawn
but in the end, 'twas Kevin's
burl and brawn

that won the day, and saved
the regency
as Kevin danced upon
the corpse with glee

He brought the carcass to
the oaken hall
the people gasped and stared—
they were enthralled

The regent stood, and shaking
toe to head,
he cried, "The beast that plagued
us now is dead!"

And so the land was filled
with drink and song
with farts and sex and women
wearing thongs

And hymns were sung to Kevin,
great of frame
the man who slew the monster—
praise his name!