Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Die, already!

No, I don't feel this way, but it's the title of a hilarious and thought-provoking article over at Landover Baptist [NB: it's actually the title of the link currently on LB's main page]. Choice quote:

In addition to planning to fete Real Christians celebrating a world with one less Catholic, the death of a pope provides a wonderful opportunity to use a moment of vulnerability to proselytize to people who have embraced a faith that guarantees a certain descent to Hell. “We need to be ready this time,” said Pastor Harry Hardwick. “Whenever a pope dies, tens of thousands of priests become depressed and turn to booze. Since almost all priests are Irish, this means a lot of mean drunks. They are dangerous to be around, but we are really trying to reach out to Catholic priests, so we have to go to them regardless of the risks to the personal safety of the people we hire. This means having witnesses for the True Faith, Baptist, at all the places Catholic priests tend to frequent in times of grief, whether it is at gay bars, gay bathhouses, places of public sodomy or Cher concerts. The very night Pope John Paul II croaks, we want to make sure that we have Baptists stationed at all the gay discos ready to give a Kleenex, a Bible tract and the way back to a religion that God actually likes.”

Later on:

Vatican officials had originally predicted the Pope would defy death and soon be back to hobbling about, drooling down his jeweled vestments, and hacking up blood like a half resurrected Lazarus. Such wistful hopes, however, were dashed when the Pontiff was roundedly snubbed by the Nobel committee for that award he has coveted (almost as much as Mary) for 25 years, leading to a surprising amount of broken papal-crested Limoges china and Waterford stemware, given the Pope’s otherwise frail condition. The Pope, more addicted to fawning adulation than Rush Limbaugh is to hillbilly heroin, was apparently devastated that the committee awarded its Peace Prize to a woman who has risked her life to speak out and work against repression and violence in a country whose government hates and has jailed her, whereas the Pope has for years given long-winded speeches against war before being whisked to his secure, luxury accommodations in the Vatican.

An interesting take on His Holiness. I'd still like to see a Pope versus Dalai Lama cage match-- a no-rosaries-barred throwdown with the Dalai Lama leaping and whirling like Yoda, and the bent-over Pope rearing back, then snapping forward with his patented and deadly Cobra Strike Technique. Interreligious encounter at its most watchable.

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