Wednesday, October 20, 2021

via Bill—hilarious response to ecofascism in the home

So your daughter has been skipping school on Fridays as a way to demonstrate her ecological awareness and to protest against the horrible, horrible world created by all those eco-unfriendly adults (this is called FFF, or "Fridays for Future"). Well, two parents have apparently written an open letter to Greta Thunberg, student-eco-activist extraordinaire, thanking her for showing the way. Here's what the parents (in Germany) wrote (slightly edited for form and style):

Thanks, Greta… thanks, Fridays for Future!

Oh, oh... doors slamming, loud screaming...

Our daughter recently got back from more stupid FFF truancy. She was teed off because we didn’t pick her up (climate-friendly) and so she had to tough it out in a bus and train for 3 hours to get home.

After having a chalky vegan soy cake (only for her—we had real cheesecake) there was a surprise. She now has to take the bus to school in the morning. But that’s a drag because the bus only leaves every hour, and she either arrives at school an hour early or arrives too late. We suggested to stop heating the bus because it still uses oil. But she also doesn’t want to go by bicycle because of all the hills and grades—besides, soon it’ll be winter, and it’s too cold and windy. But she says she might consider the option if she gets an e-bike for Christmas.

“Christmas? But that’s totally anti-eco,” I told her. “All those lights and CO2 emissions from candles!” This sparked the first prepubescent protest, which was amazingly similar to her defiant phase between the ages of 2 and 3. "E-bike? Hasn’t our little daughter even seen the devastated areas that result from the extraction of rare earths for the batteries?"

Now, she’s sitting upstairs in her room at 8°C (46°F), moping. We have already turned off the heat there to be ecologically conscious. Maybe she’s keeping her fingers warm typing angry mails about her “shitty parents” to her friends on her iPhone. But here, we’ve announced to her that she will be rid of this iPhone at 7 p.m. After all, it’s irresponsible to keep wasting electricity to have more or less useful conversation and, secondly: again, the lithium extraction and its ecological consequences.

In response to her protests against this expropriation, we assured her in a calm voice that we would either send the iPhone directly to needy children in Africa, or sell it and then donate the financial equivalent to help save the South American rainforest.

But the real fun starts on Monday. That’s when we swap out her trendy clothes for jute, wool, and hemp-fiber-woven stuff. Her Nikes with the cool plastic soles will be replaced by Dutch wooden shoes. And if someone thinks this is satire: No, we are GOING THROUGH WITH IT!

If she then still screeches on, she has two possibilities:

1) recognize what brainless eco-fascists she’s listening to
2) recognize what brainless eco-fascists she’s listening to!

Thank you, Greta. You have inspired us, as no one else would have done in educational matters. Mommy and I have just shouted up to our daughter: "We’re going to McDonald’s; want to come along?" We hope the hysterical screaming will stop by the time we get back.

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