Headline (The Genesius Times):
Are You a Threat to Democracy? Here Are the Troubling Signs
There’s nothing worse than being a threat to democracy. It’s the greatest of all sins. To ensure you aren’t a threat to democracy, keep an eye out for these troubling signs. If you check off any one of these boxes, get help ASAP:
- You constantly correct people and tell them we’re a constitutional republic, not a democracy. That’s definitely a threat to democracy.
- You question the results of elections when Democrats win. How dare you!
- You eat hot dogs on a bun with ketchup instead of mustard. Disgraceful.
- You eat pizza with a fork. Ditto.
- You believe that streets, which were made for cars, should be reserved only for…cars, not bicycles. You’re definitely of the extremist variety.
- You don’t believe in radical gender theory. Someone should call the gender police ASAP.
- You don’t support the murder of innocent babies in the womb up until birth. Call the FBI!
- Your name is Karen but you don’t harass innocent people. A dereliction of duty!
- You only wear ten masks in public and only got 10 COVID boosters. You’re gonna kill everybody!
- Talking about the dangers of cancel culture. You’re cancelled!
Eating pizza with a fork should definitely be punishable by death.
I've eased up on the fork thing, as there are certain types of pizza out there that are really hard to pick up. One might then question if they are in fact proper pizza, but that is another story.
ReplyDeleteI would also push back against the idea that streets were "made for cars." Streets were originally made for people, and cars are a relatively modern phenomenon. It is true that most of America has been taken over by cars, but I don't see how this is necessarily a good thing.
You should probably turn in your New Yorker card because of the pizza thing, although I admit I'm now curious to see what sort of pizza can't be eaten by hand. Got pics?
ReplyDeleteI think I agree with you re: the car/street issue if for no other reason than that I was taught as a kid that bicycles are technically treated as vehicles when on the road, at least in Virginia (this reference, page 6). But your mileage may vary.