Tuesday, September 28, 2004

ah to' it up!

[Warning: this post is all over the place.]

It's something my little brothers (bruvvaz?) say to describe someone who's thoroughly slaughtered his dinner.

"He tore it up" becomes, in faux-African-American idiom, "He to' it up!"

Yes, as Darth Vader said, "This will be a day long remembered." I went to Outback Steakhouse and hit that Alice Springs Chicken hard. It didn't know what was coming. I was on it like a 350-pound prisoner on his newest D-block bitch. Smacked its skank ass, squeezed dem chicky-cheeks, stuffed a rag in its beak, and ate dat fucka' raw.

Now, like Jeff's lizard, I strike my Dominance Pose.

Dr. Vallicella wrote a congratulatory post to commemorate Dr. KBJ's rise to stardom (he's been blogrolled by right-wing überbabe Michelle Malkin; now we find out whether Dr. KBJ "has a thing for Asian women"). Let me add to Dr. V's comments by saying:

You animal-hugger! You vegetarian wuss-boy! I ate chicken and pig this evening and would gladly-- GLADLY-- go back for seconds!

OK... now that we've got that congratulatory note out of the way, I should also offer congratulations to the winner of Annika's haiku contest, a certain gcotharn. To you, gcotharn, I say:

I hope you wake up to find your scrotum filled with satanic fire-maggots, you fucking hack!

By which I simply mean:

Congratulations and best of luck in the next contest.

In the meantime, Vegetarian Dr. Keith, I'm happy to report that Chicken and Pig are digesting nicely as I type this, their cries long having been extinguished by my ravening stomach acids.

Your defense of these lesser beings is puzzling. You've asserted that animals enjoy some sort of moral status. Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that we live in a theistic cosmos. I ask you: what sort of just and Republican God would allow pathetic creatures so obviously cowed by the victim ideology of the Left (bovine pun intended) into that great Animal Farm in the sky?

Are these little retards in heaven? Assuming a theistic universe, I say Hell, no! These digustingly helpless bastards, droolers and shitters all, unable even to tie their own shoes or wear a decent fucking pair of underwear, are charring into Twice-Cooked Pork on the Devil's gas range for the sin of complacency!

Dr. Keith, you call yourself a conservative? I laugh at your pitiful self-delusion! What real conservative would fail to point out that farm animals, by refusing to fight for their own rights and constantly relying on the handouts and compassion of humans, are the authors of their own destruction and therefore richly deserving of their crispy, cheese-slathered fate? Accept the truth: animals don't deserve the time of day. The proper treatment of animals, cruel as it may sound, has been and always will be the simple, three-step procedure practiced since the days when enormous brow ridges were in fashion: stun, fuck, eat.

You're no conservative, Dr. K; the pink thong of your latent bleeding-heart liberalism is peeking through the Spandex biker pants of your supposed conservatism.

And somehow, you've managed to fool Michelle Malkin into thinking you two are in the same camp. I have to admire the way you work. Slick. Very slick. Congratulations on your slickness.


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