Fatkins

Bowing to universal family pressure (and please keep in mind that we're a "half-Korean" family), I will be starting the dreaded Atkins Diet as of tomorrow. While I have my doubts about the diet, and have devoted most of my reading to understanding the diet's flaws, I have to admit that my brother Sean, who's been on the diet for the better part of a year, looks undeniably skinny now. I don't mean merely thin; I mean Sean's shoulders, only recently as meaty as my own, are now almost bony. No more spare tire. No more man-tits. Sean used to be an XXL-size guy. Many people thought we were twins, but that's no longer possible: Sean easily slips on M-sized shirts that no longer quite fit my father, who's tall but naturally slim.

I'll be plunging into this diet, but I promise not to give you any Bridget Jones-style FatWatch updates with each blogpost. I will, however, try Atkins for about two weeks in what is called the "induction phase" (because it supposedly "induces" your body to begin consuming its own fat). If I see no significant improvement by the end of that period, I'll let you know. If there is radical improvement, I'll show some before/after photos.

Or not: I'm 255 pounds as of yesterday morning; if I lose the predicted 15-20 pounds that Sean promises can be shed before Thanksgiving, a reduction to 235 pounds won't be visible in a photo (my ideal weight is about 185-190 lbs., or 13.2-13.6 stone, or 84.1-86.4 kg). Here's the solution: I'll take "before" and "after" photos and share them if they do show a visible difference.

Many spiders grab their prey in a grip reminiscent of Royce Gracie's Brazilian jujitsu. They inject the prey with venom through their hollow, curved fangs. This venom liquefies the victim's innards, which are then sucked out through the selfsame hollow fangs. The victim's exoskeleton effectively becomes a huge soft drink can with two wicked-looking straws jammed inside it.

This is a beautiful process. I think a diet pill needs to be invented that produces a similar effect: you swallow the pill before you go to bed; the pill's nanotech molecules hunt down, dislodge, and liquefy all extraneous fat cells and suck them toward your colon. In the morning, you sit down to take a dump, and shit out 60 pounds of fat. Very gratifying.

If the pill is well-made, the fat that ends up in your colon might actually be pure enough to be recyclable. A "Fight Club" scenario might have the fat being rendered into soap. The only question at that point is what to call the soap.

Abandon All Soap?
Colony?
Pungenta?
Mai Enos Phaat?
Shatabrik?
Dove Crap?
Pile? (done up with a "Dial" logo)

And if you're a woman, imagine having a ready fat supply for breast implants! Though I imagine you'd have to be careful: stuffing too much ass fat into your tits might turn them into chest-buttocks. Chesticles. Some guys're into that look, but others, like yours truly, go by the "more than a handful is a waste" rule. You don't want to sink your hand (or some other protuberance) into a woman's chest and risk not getting it back.

Whatever your thoughts on T&A, my Atkins travail begins tomorrow. God help us all. I'll give a pre-Thanksgiving progress report. If you want to learn The Rules of Induction, go here.
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