let there be schlong

Not five minutes ago, as I was about to clear out my email trash folder, I saw a spam mail from "Jesus" with the subject line, "What are you up to" (no punctuation). I don't open spam emails, but Gmail allows you to see the first few words of the email text.

Penis enlargement ad.

I'm not sure what to think about Our Lord and Savior approaching me through email and saying, "Ask and ye shall receive." Was this email an invitation to send back a petitionary prayer on behalf of my penis? How exactly should I phrase such a prayer?

O Holy Jesus H. Christ, Lord of Hosts, God of Abraham and Isaac and John C. Holmes, Thou who didst lead Thy people from Egyptian bondage into S&M bondage, I humbly pray for Thy blessing. While I am thankful for the gift Thou hast already given me, I beseech Thee: grant me a dick the size of a baseball bat. Surely such a gesture is well within Thy power, O Lord-- surely the effort is less taxing than Thy Parting of the Red Sea. I wish merely to perform a version of Thy miracle, O Lord: the Parting of the Red Buttocks. I ask Thee merely for a rod, a staff, to comfort me, a scepter to guide me through the ladies' Valley of the Shadow of Yeast. Grant me this wish, O Lord, and I promise that all women will grind in Thy Name.

Amen!


_