Tuesday, April 24, 2007

"Polish and 35": the penis story that must be told

Drudge links to a hilarious article about a maniac in downtown London who charged into an Italian restaurant, ran into the resto's kitchen, grabbed a knife, came back out into the main restaurant, brought forth his hairy tackle, then to the amazement and horror of all, cut it off. This needs to be made into a TV movie. Or it should be the template for "Die Hard 5: Die Softer."*

HORRIFIED diners watched in shock as a maniac sliced off his manhood in a crowded pizza restaurant.

The 35-year-old Pole burst into the Zizzi eaterie in central London and grabbed a knife from the kitchen.

He then leapt on a table and dropped his trousers as customers fled screaming.

A witness said: “There was blood everywhere. Everyone ran out of the place.”

Surgeons battling to save the severed willy tried to sew it back on in the first UK op of its kind.

Quick-thinking cops recovered the organ from the restaurant floor after subduing its crazed owner with CS gas.

The manhood was packed in ice and taken with the man to London’s St Thomas’s Hospital.

A spokesman there confirmed doctors had attempted to re-attach it, but the hospital refused to say whether the procedure had been successful.

The 200-seater restaurant on The Strand in central London was packed with runners and spectators from Sunday’s Marathon.

Sales rep Stuart McMahon, who was eating supper with his girlfriend, said: “This guy came running in then charged into the kitchen, got a massive knife and started waving it about.

“Everyone was screaming and running out as he jumped on a table, dropped his trousers and popped his penis out. Then he cut it off. I couldn’t believe it.

“The staff were really upset and there was blood everywhere.”

Police sped to the scene and restrained and handcuffed the man. Several diners were treated for shock by ambulance crews.

A spokesman for the Zizzi restaurant chain said: “It all happened in a matter of seconds and was obviously extremely frightening and distressing. The manager and staff bravely helped evacuate the restaurant.”

Last night cops were trying to establish the Pole’s background. He had left no identification in the clothing he discarded. A source said: “We believe he’s Polish and 35. We don’t know if he has a history of mental illness, but he’s clearly not a well boy.”

A Met Police spokeswoman said: “Officers arrived to find a 35-year-old man with severe self-inflicted injuries.

“No other people were injured and the man was not arrested. He is now stable in hospital.”

The man will be assessed by psychiatrists following treatment for his wounds and is expected to be held under the Mental Health Act for his own safety.

The diner remained shut yesterday for a clean-up operation. It was due to re-open last night.

The Royal College of Surgeons confirmed this was the first time that anyone in the UK had had their penis sewed back on.

After controlling the blood loss, doctors had to repair the blood supply and reanimate the tissue by rejoining the arteries and veins under a microscope.

Top Italian plastic surgeon Dr Nicolo Scuderi said of the operating technique: “We don’t know how much sensitivity and function will be regained.”

Two warning signs:

1. A restaurant named Zizzi. "Zizi" is kiddie-French for "wee-wee," "thingy," "hot dog," or "junk(s)." (Girls can also say "zizi," though they don't do so quite as often as boys.)

2. The maniac was a... Pole.

Not many men can handle the transition from 34 to 35 with grace. I'm 37, and there have been many occasions when I, too, have wanted to stand on a table in a crowded restaurant and hack off my penis. Believe me, after 35, the urge comes with greater and greater frequency.

Heh. I said "comes."

I hope the paper follows this story up, because I'm sure you're as concerned as I am as to whether our Pole will regain the use of that most important of limbs. Me, I would treat such surgery as an opportunity: like most men, I'd rather have an elephant's trunk down there. Before they put me under for surgery, I would demand a trunk-grafting. The ladies would go nuts, my enhancement would give new meaning to the phrase "cock snot," and I'd finally be able to sniff my lover's uterus while staring deeply into her dark brown eyes.

I'm worried about what a failure might mean for the reputation of UK medicine, and hope those doctors won't be so proud as to shun help from us Yanks. As a filthy American wanker, I'm proud to say that we have far more experience with violently liberated sausages than the average nation does.

*"Live Free or Die Hard," a.k.a. "Die Hard 4," is due out this summer. It stars Bruce Willis and that shrimpy, whiny dude who plays "the Mac" in those Apple commercials.



Elisson said...

Heh. You said "Yank."

Watch out. Next week: "Sausage Special." That I gotta see.

Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Stories like this one illustrate why I never read your blog.

But I gotta admit, that Pole's self-de-pole-ization was a ballsy thang to do.

If the reattachment is successful, he could make a career from repeat performances.

Keep us informed on developments...

Jeffery Hodges

* * *

Anonymous said...

I don't know about anyone else... but two things struck me as I read this (and of course, had posted this at my own blog yesterday), great minds think alike:

1. At all costs, AVOID the "house special" aka "Zizzi Parmesan."

2. "Gee, I wonder what ol' "Franken Cock," John Wayne Bobbitt's doing these days...