Scary Spasms in Hairy Chasms: Lick the Leprous Pustules for Yourself

UPDATE, February 13, 2014:

A Picasa slide show that lets you look inside the book here!
An old Amazon.com writeup of the book here!

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"Nasty" is one letter away from "tasty."
—Desmond Tutu

So I put together this collection of scatological humor, Scary Spasms in Hairy Chasms: A Panoply of Paeans to Putrescence and a Cornucopia of Corrosive Coprophilia, in the hopes of attracting droves of like-minded scatophiles. I've attracted some, and the book seems to be gaining a quasi-underground following.

What follows is an excerpt from my book-- the entire preface, in fact. I may add some other passages to this, so check back periodically.

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A BARBARA WALTERS EXCLUSIVE:KEVIN KIM, AUTHOR OF SCARY SPASMS IN HAIRY CHASMS

KEVIN KIMBarbara, I'm afraid we have to make this quick. I'm scheduled to scratch my crotch in thirty minutes.

BARBARA WALTERSWell, we wouldn't want you to miss that, so let's begin. You've described yourself as a "born coprological chronicler."

KEVIN KIMYes. My exact words. Other interviewees have complimented you on the thoroughness of your research. Allow me to add my voice to the throng.

BARBARA WALTERSYou're too kind. What exactly is coprology?

KEVIN KIMScatology. Pretty much the same thing.

BARBARA WALTERS...are we talking poop, here?

KEVIN KIMThey say you should write what you know. Like most people, I have an ass. It shits, Barbara. Copiously. I write about my ass.

BARBARA WALTERSYou write about your ass.

KEVIN KIMIndeed. I painstakingly document, in the form of short stories, poetry, and other genres, every glorious, polyp-throbbing moment of peristalsis, when matter in all its possible forms—solid, liquid, gas, or superhot plasma—jets out of my wriggling colon and hurtles headlong into the unknown future. The characters in a given story might not be me, per se, but they represent facets of me and my furry hole.

BARBARA WALTERSOh, my Lord!

KEVIN KIMLet's not deny it: my nasty brown aperture orates thunderously like a moist, toroidal Demosthenes, Barbara.

BARBARA WALTERSThat's really more than I wanted to know.

KEVIN KIMI suspect yours does, too. Are you a loud farter? Do you depilate your ass for your man? Tweeze-tweeze-tweeze, pluck-pluck-pluck?

BARBARA WALTERSTell me about Scary Spasms in Hairy Chasms.

KEVIN KIMThis book is partly my diarrhea diary, my hymn to poop in all its clotted, runny, projectile permutations.

BARBARA WALTERSI see.

KEVIN KIMA famous Zen koan asks, "What is the Buddha?", and the answer comes back, "A shit-wiping stick!" No joke; a venerable spiritual tradition describes its founder as an asswipe. Perhaps I seek the same sort of paradoxical depth when I write about crap in all its myriad forms. Ever thought about that? Perhaps my writing contains a sort of "foolish" or "holy" wisdom. The public ignores me at its peril.

BARBARA WALTERSI didn't ask. But I would like to know: how did all this start?

KEVIN KIMIt all started the first time I heard a strange lapping noise while while sitting on the pot. To my horror, I discovered my anus had extruded a tongue—and was slurping the toilet water. Ever since then, I've accorded my ass a much larger measure of respect, and now wield my anus-tongue with pride.

BARBARA WALTERSAnus-tongue?

KEVIN KIMI fascinate you, don't I. You're not like the others, Barbara. The ladies tend to shy away from a man so gastrically demonstrative. May I fart? (Tsssssssssssssst.) Too late. By the way, I loved the manner in which you cried out "Anus tongue?" just now. Maybe that should be the title, instead of Scary Spasms in Hairy Chasms.

BARBARA WALTERSYour entire book follows a, uh, coprological schema?

KEVIN KIMDung is a prevalent trope, to be sure, but there's some variety. For all its assitude, Scary Spasms in Hairy Chasms contains yet other filth to delight the senses and tongue-tickle the perineum.

BARBARA WALTERSLike what?

KEVIN KIMTake "Decompoesy," for example. That's Book One. It's a compendium of poetry written from the mid-80s to about 1997.

BARBARA WALTERSHow would you characterize that poetry?

KEVIN KIMUgly, surreal, playful. Think of it this way-- I want you to picture Shel Silverstein. So far, so good?

BARBARA WALTERSGotcha.

KEVIN KIMOkay. Now imagine ole Shel's been fed a huge meal, then beaten with lead pipes, stripped naked, and locked in a crate completely in the dark for three weeks, with no nourishment but his own urine and feces. Unseen assailants randomly assault him with electric cattle prods. Three weeks go by; Shel's crate gets set up on a stage. Blazing spotlights are aimed at the crate, and a microphone stand is placed next to it. Two burly gents with crowbars pry the crate open, drag Shel out, and prop him up by the mike stand. They command him to start reciting poetry under pain of scrotal gnawing by cocaine-jacked house pets. He blinks sightlessly into the spotlights, tries to lick his lips with a parched tongue, weakly clears his throat, and begins to speak. Whatever comes out of his mouth at that moment... that's my poetry.

BARBARA WALTERSShel Silverstein was a kind and wonderful man. How can you say such awful things about him?

KEVIN KIMHave you read any of my poems?

BARBARA WALTERSAs a matter of fact, I've read them all. It's just like you say.

KEVIN KIMActually, you haven't read them all. "Decompoesy" is merely a collection of selected poetic works. That's why the numbering skips around. Barbara, I heard rumors that you periodically shave your pubic hair into an upside-down Starfleet rank insignia. True?

BARBARA WALTERSLook, buster, I'm doing the interview. Back off.

KEVIN KIMOr what? You'll fellate me to death? Oh, don't give me that look. I've done my own research into your skanky predilections. Talked to the sound guy and other ABC News techies on the way here. So, you're "Madame Slutterfly," eh? It's good to see this side of you, though; you usually come off as somewhat stiff and self-important.

BARBARA WALTERSYou have some nerve.

KEVIN KIMEat me. Want to see some of my cartoons?

BARBARA WALTERSWhy?

KEVIN KIMLook, either you see the cartoons, or I pull off these pants and show you the anus-tongue. Your choice.

BARBARA WALTERSOh, you're being serious! You draw?

KEVIN KIMI'm no Charles Schultz or Bill Watterson, but yeah; I doodle. These are from a strip that never was. I wanted to title it "Cosmic Import." The main characters are nameless. One is obviously me. Another is a character whom I simply name The Alien, and a third is this half-Korean fantasy girl.

BARBARA WALTERSYou're half-Korean, aren't you?

KEVIN KIMThe other other white meat, Barbara. Say, "Mmmmmm."

BARBARA WALTERSSo let's see these cartoons of yours.

KEVIN KIMHere they are. Along with some greeting card designs. Enjoy.

[NOTE TO THE READER: You're missing out. The following pages contain a slew of cartoons and greeting card designs that cover topics like French-kissing Sesame Street puppets, "pungent genitals," the eating of children, phosphorescent snot, overly cheerful amputees, the cooking of live mice, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer's fate, and a man with several arms growing out of his head. Once I become more HTML-savvy, I may actually display these pics. But for the moment, you'll just have to imagine them.]

BARBARA WALTERSOh, the Alien looks so cute! I want him. Is there any more of this?

KEVIN KIMSome drawings, here and there. Quite a few card designs. But I doubt anyone would pick "Cosmic Import" up for syndication. Hard to imagine a cartoon with references to child-eating appearing in the Washington Post. Besides, in a "Garfield" world, the phrase "still-pungent genitals" doesn't exactly fly.

BARBARA WALTERSYou're probably right. So what about the rest of Scary Spasms? The poetry you were talking about is only Book One, and that's about 80 pages of a nearly 200-page work. What's the rest?

KEVIN KIMMostly short stories and sundry literary dingleberries written between 1997 and 1999.

BARBARA WALTERSCan you give our viewers a quick tour?

KEVIN KIMI can, but only if you tell me whether this other rumor I heard is true. Did you really use a live squirrel as a dildo?

BARBARA WALTERSGod damn that fucking Hugh Downs! He said that night was "ours alone to treasure." I'll gouge out his scrawny balls with a grapefruit spoon! Fucking hypocrite! Kevin, he had six squirrels up his ass before he even asked if I'd be interested in joining him. Selfish prick.

KEVIN KIMSee, this is why you ABC guys rock. Unless Rather's had sex with transgendered sheep, nothing on CBS beats this. Okay, back to your question. Book One is pretty much an entity that stands alone. It was originally a collection of 125 poems that were to be sold as a book. I found out the hard way that poetry's not an easy sell. I decided it might be better to bundle some selected poems with the more recent writings. So Books Two through Seven are The Later Kevin. They constitute the second half of this compendium.

BARBARA WALTERSOkay, I can see that. The manuscript makes more sense when you put it that way.

KEVIN KIMI took the longer short stories and divided them into two sections that now act as open and closed parentheses: "Stories to Warm the Left Ball" and "Stories to Warm the Right Ball." In between those sections, we've got "The Book of Lists," which is essentially humor that appears in list form. "The Holidays" focuses on Christmas and Thanksgiving; "Short & Sweet" contains a lot of really, well... really brief material. How brief? If you've got just one squirt of runny diarrhea in you, then a single story from this chapter would make for great bathroom reading. "Decompoesy Redux" is simply poetry that I wrote during that '97-'99 period.

BARBARA WALTERSCan you characterize these stories and poems the way you did for the "Decompoesy" chapter?

KEVIN KIMYes, I can.

(long pause as Barbara catches on)

BARBARA WALTERSHar har. So... is a characterization forthcoming?

KEVIN KIMHeh. I'd say the Krapmotif runs through a lot of these stories, but you've also got talking genitals, castration anxiety expressed in various ways, and bestiality. Can't forget bestiality.

BARBARA WALTERSLike in the story where Barney the Dinosaur...?

KEVIN KIMBasically.

BARBARA WALTERSIs it true that you're a student of religion?

KEVIN KIMYes. My interests lie in interreligious dialogue, comparative religion, and comparative theology, with a special interest in Korean Zen Buddhism.

BARBARA WALTERSCare to comment on how and why you lead this double life? How do you reconcile your inner conflict-- these contradictory urges toward the holy and the obscene?

KEVIN KIMIf you start off with the Manichaean assumption that we're bifurcated souls, such as what Nikos Kazantzakis describes in his The Last Temptation of Christ, you're already on the wrong track. Dichotomies, dualism, all that useless, misguided shit... they have no place in my consciousness. Or conscience, for that matter: I'm not particularly ashamed of my sense of humor. Body parts crack me up. So do their excretions. I guess the only thing that really noshes my pecker is that some dim asshole's going to read a story like Interlewd and classify it as porn. That sort of person has a much deeper communion with his or her hemorrhoids than I'll ever have with mine.

BARBARA WALTERSWill we be seeing any religious writing from you in the near future?

KEVIN KIMYou never know. Is anyone interested in my take on Korean Zen?

BARBARA WALTERSOne last question, if you don't mind. I see some anti-Clinton material in here. Now that George W. Bush is in office, are you afraid that some of your Clinton humor will appear dated, along with references to "Tomagotchi" toys and such? You did say that most of this material is from the '97-'99 period, right?

KEVIN KIMYes, and that's a real concern now that we're in the Year of the Kubrick. This is only Scary Spasms' first edition, though; maybe I'll clean things up for the second edition. As for being anti-Clinton, let's not distort matters. I'm apolitical. The greatest measure of my cynicism is reserved for the stupidity and selfishness of all politics and politicians. Mr. Bush, from his family name onward, will provide plenty of comic fodder, but I'd like to take this opportunity to give former President Clinton a special vote of thanks for his sustained, masterful impression of an ambulatory penis over the past eight years. You rocked, Bill, and you did indeed erect a veiny, pulsating, distended purple bridge straight into the sweaty, pink, youthful mount of the 21st century. Long may your hirsute balls drag upon the dusty earth! Just don't get snagged on a cactus.

BARBARA WALTERSKevin, I see our time is almost up, but I wanted to show you something.

(Barbara stands, pulls off her skirt and thong, bends over with her ass pointed at Kevin, and extrudes a long, graceful anus-tongue.)

KEVIN KIMI love you, Barbara Walters. You truly are the best in the business.

©2001 BigHominid.com Publishing

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Buy the book. You know you want to.


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