Friday, August 15, 2003

Now these are OUR conditions, NK.

If NK expects to receive any benefits from talks, it must agree, publicly, to the following.

1. The NK government must issue a statement renouncing juchae (self-reliance) ideology and affirm its decades-long inability to operate in a condition of self-reliance. If it continues to demand aid without renouncing juchae, there will be no negotiations. Either this, or NK must cease to demand aid from anyone and truly act out its ideology.

2. Kim Jong Il must star in a bukkake porn video, to be broadcast in NK, non-stop, for one year, and sold overseas. The video must be shot and intra-NK broadcasting must begin BEFORE the late-August 6-way talks. Worldwide distribution of the video must begin no later than 7 days after the conclusion of 6-way talks.

3. Kim Jong Il must personally affirm that America possesses the right to demonstrate an equal level of commitment to all US-NK agreements as NK has demonstrated. Should the US choose to back out, for any reason, the mere desire to renege will be considered legitimate grounds for reneging.

4. Kim Jong Il must replace all his generals with losers from American "reality" game shows.

5. NK must cease all South-ward propaganda broadcasts or allow Michael Jackson to establish "Neverland II" on top of Paekdusan.

6. During the 6-way talks, NK must never once utter the word "nuclear."

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