Hominid as nominee: my limp-dick moment of celebrity

I just found out, in reading through Conrad's Gweilo Diaries, that there's some sort of Asiablogger awards/vote/contest going on over at Flying Chair of "Beat You Death Like Chicken" fame. As I read down the categories, I knew I wasn't going to be included with the Koreabloggers, but someone-- I don't know who, but thank you-- nominated me for the "Best Essayist" category, in which I am currently performing quite lamely with only one proud vote to my name [UPDATE: Shameless self-promotion seems to have improved the situation. I recommend that all my competitors engage in that extra bit of narcissism to up their votes! NB: I have no plans to vote for myself.].

So maybe I should make a pitch. Here's why you should vote for the Big Hominid as Best Essayist.

1. I make all the right enemies: idiot fuckheads like lux bearer. I don't rile true conservatives like the Maximum Leader or true liberals like Brainysmurf, Peking Duck, and the Vulture, because these are all intelligent people. I was a high school French teacher in the early 90s. You know what kind of student is most likely to grouse, "This is stupid!"? The stupid kind! Stupid people project their stupidity onto everything else. I risk being lumped with the stupid in saying that, but fuck it.

2. Which leads me to this: I use more goddamn swear words than other essayists. If there were a category for Half-Korean Blogger with the Biggest Linguistic Balls, I'd win hands-down.

3. I cartoon and practice brush art. This has dick to do with essays, but it should be obvious I'm not composing a list in praise of my essay-writing ability.

4. So let's do a 180 and talk essays. I've written a couple I'm proud of. Some are religion-related, like

Violence, Vegetarianism, and Emptiness (posted July 5)
The Question of Religious Pluralism (posted July 13)
Critique of a Holographic Model of Religious Pluralism (posted July 14)
The Hidden Christ of Beliefnet Buddhism (posted August 5)
Right and Wrong: A Nondualist's Perspective (posted August 13)
Buddhist Critique of Islam (posted August 20)

And some apply a religious perspective to cultural topics:

My Metaphysical Bet with the Wachowski Bros (posted July 4)
On Gay Marriage (posted September 8)
Hindu Cosmology and the Matrix (posted September 29)
Speculative Reflections on "Matrix Revolutions" (posted September 28)
"The Matrix Revolutions": One Hominid's Appraisal (posted November 12)

Some other pieces of note:

Sermon on the Mount for Hateful Christians and Other Stupid Dogmatists (posted October 18)
The AC/DC Kong-an (posted August 21)
The Next Korean War??? (posted August 8)
Harry Potter 6: Judgement Day (posted July 17)

So after you spend five days reading all those, you will of course come away convinced that I deserve as many votes as you can finesse into the system, so that I can win the title of Best Essayist of the Asian Weblog Awards-- even though I only just discovered that the contest was going on, and don't truly consider myself a bona fide Koreablogger (and by extension, an Asiablogger). Vote for me just to piss the "real" people off.

On a more serious note, I have to thank whoever is inflating my SiteMeter numbers, which were up this week. As always, many arrivals were searching for shit like "hairy pussy," "hairy gay men," or "Kristanna Loken's ass," but your visits, albeit brief, are nonetheless welcome.

UPDATE: Blogger sucks, and many of the links do not "zap" you straight to where you need to go. My usual strategy in such cases is to hit the link AGAIN through the sidebar (all the above are sidebar links). Failing that, do a search of my archives by the DATE of the post. Be careful-- archive dates are sometimes misleading. Since I often write long posts, expect to do a bit of scrolling.

Should I be moving over to TypePad? Does this mean the sacrifice of my lovely aesthetic minimalism (again, with thanks to Seth for all the coding)? Do I have to start PAYING for blogspace?

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