Wednesday, July 27, 2005

ah, the mystery of BigHominid

Thanks to the Nomad for pointing out this hilarious blog entry (I've made a note of each typo/grammatical error so we have an idea of how careful a mind it is we're dealing with):

There is a chain of blogs on the internet where everyone links to each other and all talk about the news. Its [sic] kinda like a webring which use to popular [sic] back in the day when the web was still young. Now we just link to each other on our own without signing up to some website and trying to get others to join. We talk about each other like old friends, and yet we have never met. I am barely now getting involved, have only had a couple linkbacks.

There are a couple blogs I keep scratching my head about. one [sic] is BigHomid [sic]. I think he is in Korea or some other part of Asia its [sic] hard to tell. His blog is complete gibberish and odd poems I think he wrote himself along with pictures he has drawn. Others point and laugh at what he wrote..., some are shocked that he said it.

I, myself, want to know what the fuck is he [sic] talking about, and how does this have [sic] anything to do with Korea or any tangable [sic] subject? Twisted and perverse, lost and confused..., what the fuck?

Consider this, my linguistically meticulous friend: you're "barely now getting involved," which means you haven't had the chance to read through my archives-- or anyone else's. A bit too soon to be passing judgement, don't you think?

Let's use a sci-fi analogy to understand this properly.

Imagine you're a freshly-made human clone-- a male, and you've spent time in the lab being rapid-educated, without ever once meeting an adult woman. A year passes. The doc says, "Dude, this is your big day. You've seen the pictures of them, you've read the poetry about them, and now, at long last, you're gonna meet your first woman." So you're like, "Fuckin' A, Doc." Your dick grins and drools in agreement.

The doc takes you outside the cloning building and points vaguely to another building across the grounds.

"She's in there, man," he says. "Knock yerself out."

So you walk across the lawn, go into the other building, and start looking around for this lady. Doors are marked with all sorts of letters and symbols you can't read too well (you're only a year old, remember; accelerated education isn't perfect), and you finally barge into one promising-looking room.

The room, you immediately discover, smells like shit. Of course, that's not about to stop a curious clone like you. You see a bunch of stalls in the room, notice a pair of petite feet peeking out from under the door of one of the stalls, and bash the door open.

There's a woman in there, all right, and she was in mid-crap when you burst in. She screams, the muscles of her body reflexively tightening in terror, which serves only to squeeze out more dung and produce a massive, wet fart as well.

You find yourself thoroughly disgusted by the sight and smell of this screaming creature and you stumble out of the restroom, barely able to comprehend how such a thing might be the other half of humanity.

"What the fuck?" you muse, as your dick frowns in sincere, analytical puzzlement. "Women aren't all they're cracked up to be." You decide from then on to stay away from all women, since they're obviously irrational, unsanitary, and smell like shit.

The moral of the story is: Judging a two-year-old blog after superficially reading a handful of posts is a bit like judging all women after watching one take a shit for twenty seconds.

And no extra IQ points for misspelling my handle. BigHomid. Who's the bigger homid, I wonder?

UPDATE: The gent kindly updated the spelling of my handle after reading the comment I placed on his blog. Coolness. All is forgiven. Except for the "gibberish" comment. That cut deep. So deep it abused my childhood. Now I have to go stick a few gerbils up my ass and practice butt-Kegels until I feel better.

If it's true that "I, myself, want to know what the fuck is he [sic] talking about," then I hope he'll write me an email and actually ask. Best way to find something out is through recon, not speculation and divination.


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