Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Bible slam!

Previously, Bill Pickford emailed me the following Bible verse:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap - Galatians 6:7

Kind of a theistic version of the law of karma.

The illustrious Joel emails me in apparent reply to Pickford:

Job 21:3 - Suffer me that I may speak; and after that I have spoken, mock on.

I should just sit back and watch the fireworks. But here's my own contribution:

The Lord spoke to Moses, saying: Speak to Aaron and say: No one of your offspring throughout their generations who has a blemish may approach to offer the food of his God. For no one who has a blemish shall draw near, one who is blind or lame, or one who has a mutilated face or a limb too long, or one who has a broken foot or a broken hand, or a hunchback, or a dwarf, or a man with a blemish in his eyes or an itching disease or scabs or crushed testicles.

Sometimes the Bible is plain funny.

"Welcome to McGodMart, 24-7. How can I help you?"

"I'd like a large McBall, please."

"Not too early in the day?"

"Yeah, you know how it is. This heat's a bitch, and nothing says 'cool' quite like a cupful of smashed nads."

"Well, we've got the Leviticus 22:24 special, or our standard Deuteronomy 23:1, which is pretty popular around here."

"What's the Leviticus special?"

"Crushed animal testicles, my friend. We only use the freshly harvested ones."

"What kinda' animal balls're in there?"

"It's a pretty standard blend of ram and bull, but we also throw in some rabbit just to keep people guessing. Oh, and once in a while we surprise everyone with a healthy dose of bear. It varies from week to week."

"OK, hook me up with one a' those."


"Dump 'em on there, baby."

"Chocolate sauce?"

"You got any of that sugared ovary juice left over?"

"To be honest, we're down to the dregs at the bottom of the container. The taste's a little... too rich for some folks."

"Dump it on there, baby."

"OK, that's $1.75."

"Better'n fuckin' Starbucks, man."


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