Tuesday, May 23, 2006

postal scrotum: Jason

Jason emails with an interesting WaPo link about the efflorescence of Korean enterprise. Jason's own post on the subject is here.

The phrase "Korean enterprise" calls to mind a Konglish Star Trek crew. If we do the roll call with a heavy Korean accent, the crew of the Sta-sheep En-ta-p'eu-ra-i-jeu would include: Captain Cock, Mista Spoke, Mista Suru (ilbon-nom-saekgi-ya), Mista Seu-k'ot, Mista Ch'ae-k'o-beu, Dak-t'a Maek-k'o-i, and lastly, Uhura-- whose name would be the only one to survive the transition from English to Korean unscathed.

Given that Sulu is a Japanese bastard, we can expect that, on a Korean Enterprise, he would be a bit like Kenny of "South Park": getting killed in gruesome ways near the end of every episode, with Captain Cock screaming to the heavens, "Why, God!? WHY??" Sulu would then be on the bridge, alive and well, for the following episode, his continued presence aboard the Enterprise forever unexplained.

Where would the Korean Enterprise crew go? What adventures would they have?

Some possible scenarios:

1. The Enterprise encounters a gigantic space squid. The squid gets the better of the Enterprise until Mista Spoke gets the brilliant idea of firing photon torpedoes containing gochu-jang warheads. Sulu, having rushed out to engage the squid in single combat, is killed when one of the squid's tentacles lashes out and smears him against the Enterprise's outer hull.

2. The crew sights a new planet, which turns out to be a fat, bloated American. They land on the American. One or two nameless Red Shirts get killed by the American's living fat rolls. Sulu disappears into the American's hairy navel. Captain Cock gives some speech at the end about how they can't kill the American because, like it or not, they need him.

3. Actually, a truly Korean episode of Star Trek would be like this: the Enterprise crew board the Enterprise, revel in the power of Korean technology, then basically set the Enterprise to do nothing more than orbit the earth because, well, they simply aren't curious about what's out there. Sulu inexplicably commits seppuku with a hand phaser.



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2 comments:

Jason said...

And don't forget about the episode where the Enterprise enters hostile North Klingon territory carrying 500 head of cattle and goodwill, only to return with an agreement that will allow it to ferry tourists around a tightly controlled sector of Uranus.

Bubba said...

The Klingons ships would be painted black. They'd carry around a man-purse and say 'korut' a lot.