Sunday, August 05, 2018

John's shitty night: a tale of ink Khan tin Ents

John Mac just had a horrific, double-whammy experience with what the French slangily call la chiasse, i.e., diarrhea. You can read about his travails here. I replied to McCrarey's post; he replied to my reply; I tried replying again, but his blog suddenly decided to forget who I am and to act as if I wasn't trying to reply, so I'm posting my reply to his reply to my reply below:

This'll be a real test of [your housekeeper's] loyalty.

And let me take this opportunity to welcome you to the Continent of Incontinence! Plant your flag proudly!

I'll confess that I almost shit the bed a couple years back. What happened is that I was sick and diarrhetic, and I was alternating between farts and wet shotgun-blasts of the brown stuff. I was either in bed, farting, or on the toilet, like an inverted Old Faithful, for most of that day. Farting was like playing Russian roulette, and on one occasion, I lost: I was lying on my side, trying to squeeze out a fart, but little did I know that there was a shit-plug just on the inside of my anus, and when I tried to push out the fart, the plug came out first, followed by a small burst of diarrhea. I quickly squeezed my asshole shut so as not to release anything more, but the damage had been done. Because I was on my side, I managed to shit my underwear but not the bed. To get off the bed without soiling the mattress, I rolled onto my front and crawled off, Spider-Man-style, before schlepping straight to the toilet. Luckily, the bathroom was all hard, cleanable surfaces, so I was able to strip off the soiled undies and fire the rest of the diarrhea into the bog. I then hand-washed my tainted garments in warm water and bleach (germs cause the odor; bleach kills germs), then running the underpants through a standard cycle, with detergent, in my washing machine.

So you're not exactly alone, and as for me, I've been paranoid ever since. You and I may have to start doing butt-Kegels exercises. Just to be sure.

Some of us have to nuke the site from orbit; for the rest of us, there's butt-Kegels.

1 comment:

  1. I always knew I'd be famous someday. And I don't give two shits about it now...



All comments are subject to approval before they are published, so they will not appear immediately. Comments should be civil, relevant, and substantive. Anonymous comments are not allowed and will be unceremoniously deleted. For more on my comments policy, please see this entry on my other blog.

AND A NEW RULE (per this post): comments critical of Trump's lying must include criticism of Biden's lying on a one-for-one basis! Failure to be balanced means your comment will not be published.