Tuesday, March 29, 2005

where we go from here

Today, we take a deep breath and move forward. I've vented plenty, both in private to friends and family, and on this blog. Although I've tried to respect X's privacy, I have no desire to respect it after she so thoroughly shat on me last week. Does that sound self-righteous? Yeah, it probably does, but so was X. She was self-righteous, vindictive, and cowardly, refusing to meet and talk face-to-face about things.

X doesn't seem capable of admitting mistakes. She made bizarre claims about how "perceptive" she was about people, but the truth is that X knows nothing about them, being even more introverted than I am, hiding all day, cloistered from reality.

People often misperceive each other. This should be easy to admit. At one point X expressed "shock" at my feelings... heh. If X had any real perceptivity, there would have been no surprise. X had gone through a nasty, years-long relationship with a truly bad guy, but her vaunted perceptivity didn't rescue her from that situation, either.

As of today, X knows exactly where I stand. I've performed the amputation X refused to perform. From X's twisted point of view, this merely confirms how "cold" and "cruel" I must be. X will tell her friends what a nasty guy I've been. I don't give a shit. X will conveniently forget to mention her own role in this situation, because she apparently sees herself-- once again-- as the innocent victim of sinister forces beyond her control. And that's how X lives her life: used by her ex, used by her boss, used by everyone. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This is the last piece of bitterness I'll write. I'm sick of the situation and ready to put this behind me. I was tempted to reveal everything about me and X-- a name, a place of work, what exactly she said on Thursday... but I can't. I'm angry, but not that spiteful. (From her over-sensitive point of view, that's not true, of course: I'm plenty spiteful.) Right now, I think her conduct deserves to be exposed to the light. She's got a bizarre mania for secrecy; it's almost creepy. But I'll stop here with the negativity.

What did I see in X? Here's a constructive exercise-- listing her positive qualities.

First, she's beautiful, truly beautiful.

Nice ass. Best ass I've seen in a long while.

She's got a great appreciation for books.

She's a hard worker, no doubt about it.

Quirky fashion sense. Makes her different from the mainstream.


Multi-talented. The woman's a great cook. I watched her make noodles and rescue a bad salad dressing.

She's loyal to her real friends (and I'm not one of them; she made that clear).

She's sensitive to music. She likes light jazz, light rock, movie soundtracks. I suspect she likes some classical.

And somehow, despite my anger, I think she has a gentle, charitable side that many people can't see. She looks at my introversion and sees coldness; I look at hers and see warmth.

Well... there's nothing to be done about it now. My last gesture was pretty final. It was my choice; I own up to it.

As the last line of Sartre's Huis Clos goes:

Eh bien, continuons.

But unlike those characters in hell, I look forward to the future with optimism. I hope X does, too, because she obviously thinks I'm a real shit. She should be glad to be shut of me.

TACKY MEA CULPA: X had some legitimate complaints about my own actions. Yes, I was wrong. I acted selfishly, stupidly, and was also a coward in my own way. Of course... I'd already admitted these things to her, both in writing and verbally. Now I'm doing it publicly.


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